


Though love may be deaf, it hears much

by Lapal



Category: Holby City
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-22
Updated: 2020-04-09
Packaged: 2020-12-28 15:28:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 80,588
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21138944
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lapal/pseuds/Lapal
Summary: This story is set just as Serena learns of the existence of her half-sister. I have played with the timeline, so that Bernie is already working at Holby, although their paths haven't really crossed yet. Parts of it will be canon compliant, but it's mostly canon divergent. I'm bringing Charlotte in, which I've never attempted before, and you'll also find Jason is somewhat changed. Not sure how long it's going to be, but I'm aiming to post every Tuesday to balance the universe, especially for anyone who has now had enough of HC.





	1. Revelations

**Author's Note:**

> After a couple of one-shots, this is my new multi chapter. I'm anticipating a slow burn, but hopefully not too much angst. For those of you who appreciate it, there will be smut later, and I will change the rating when it happens. Let's go on healing broken hearts.

Chapter 1 : Revelations

Serena Campbell was not naïve enough to believe that she had seen so much in her life that nothing could shock her, but at 50 years of age she had been arrogant enough to think that her own life was pretty much under control, and that by and large she was satisfied with what she had achieved thus far. That didn’t mean she would stop striving to be CEO of Holby City Hospital, or that she didn’t still hope that she might one day (soon), find someone she could share the rest of her life with, but using the logical part of her brain she accepted that the chances of both were definitely in decline. What she couldn’t have foreseen was how much her mother’s dementia and even more sudden death would affect her, above and beyond the normal grieving that is to be expected when you suffer the loss of a parent.

When her father had died she had been a young woman, still at medical school, and she was devastated, for a while. But the rigours of her course and the lure of the student bar were enough to deflect any long term mourning, although she couldn’t stop a tear or two falling when she graduated, knowing how happy and proud he would have been.

Her relationship with her mother was always more tempestuous, both were strong willed women who didn’t like showing weakness, so when Adrienne’s mind began to fail her Serena found it very unnerving. She had been used to arguing with her over many things during the course of her life, not least of all her resolve to marry Edward, a decision her mother had never understood or approved. Or that’s how it seemed until Serena learnt of his numerous affairs and decided enough was enough and she needed to divorce him. Only then, in Adrienne’s eyes he suddenly became the person she should forgive and be sticking by, ‘for the sake of Elinor,’ turning a blind eye to his infidelity. She had been expecting a contemptuous ‘I told you so’ with lots of sighs and head shaking, and had been astounded by her mother’s complete about-face. Serena never could make her understand that it was precisely for Elinor that she felt she had to get him away from both of them, but even that hadn’t turned out well, as her now adult daughter frequently chose to spend time with her father rather than her. It didn’t escape her notice either that as a grandmother, Adrienne appeared to have far more time and patience with Elinor than she had ever had with her.

But, as the dementia really took hold, her mother became scared and lost, clinging to Serena as if she were a lifebelt, and it tore her apart to know that in spite of her medical knowledge and skill as a surgeon there was nothing she or anyone else could do to delay the inevitable. She hadn’t been able to appreciate it at the time, but with hindsight the fact that a severe stroke had caused her death, afforded her some small solace, knowing that her mother hadn’t had to experience needing 24 hour care for everything, or being fed through a tube. So as traumatic as it had been, Serena had finally felt able to make peace with her mother _and _herself when she died, a feat she had never managed before in her life. It saddened her that the relationship with her own daughter seemed destined to mirror the one she had endured, and she struggled to know if it could change, especially now that Elinor was in her first year at university. So Serena did what she had always done when faced with something she considered out of her control, she threw herself into her work, where she was confident in her abilities and the boundaries were mainly ones that she set.

She knew her personal life was somewhat lacking in companionship, but felt sure that it was something she could cope with and forced herself to stay reasonably content and accepting of her lot. There had been the occasional dalliance with a couple of men since her mother’s death, but neither of them offered much more than a physical relationship, and she was old enough to know that wouldn’t be sufficient, irrespective of how enjoyable it was at the time. Serena had always enjoyed sex but with the menopause looming she guessed that over the next few years it would probably become less important than previously, and resigned herself to the fact she would work until she dropped and then spend the rest of her days bemoaning why she had never managed to meet someone she could call the ‘love of her life.’

Until one day when a younger woman ended up on her ward, who seemed to know her, and whose address was Serena’s old home address from when she was still studying to be a doctor. The house that her mother sold a few months after her father had died, saying it was too big for just one person. This patient had been a close neighbour and had known Serena’s mother and spoke about her in terms that were totally alien to Serena, describing her as kind and supportive, always ready to listen when she had a problem, or even offer her a bed when her own mother had been struggling with a mental health problem. It annoyed and niggled at Serena constantly to hear that there had been a side to Adrienne that she had rarely, if ever seen, and she was glad when the woman was well enough to be discharged, thinking that she could put all those feelings of frustration back into the box in her mind where they belonged, one that had a very secure lid to it. Little did she know that as a result of that chance meeting there was another box heading her way that would send her world spinning in an unimaginable direction.

Berenice Wolfe, known to friends and family as Bernie, sat in the staff room on Keller ward of Holby City Hospital, and exhaled slowly as she read the letter she had grabbed on her way out of the flat this morning, but had only just got around to opening. She knew it was from her solicitor and therefore what it was going to say, no surprises there, but nevertheless there was a permanence in the written word that had caused her to hold her breath as she read it.

‘_**Decree absolute’**_

She had to blink hard to stop tears falling. Which seemed stupid given the circumstances of the divorce. _She _was the one who had cheated, so she couldn’t blame Marcus for wanting to put an end to their 25 year marriage, and in fairness to him she had been the first to suggest that what they had now, was no longer working. Any tears that did fall were not only because she was sorry for the hurt she had caused her family, or the fact that her relationship with her husband had now _officially _ended, but because she finally had a chance to be the person she needed to be. Had probably always been. She just hoped that it wasn’t too late in life to find someone who would want to be with her, despite what she saw as her many failures. She wiped her cheeks with the back of her hand and took a steadying breath. No matter, being free to admit to her newfound sexuality, didn’t mean that she was about to join a dating site or start hanging around in gay bars looking for someone to go home with; she was simply relieved not to hide anymore through fear of being found out. On the same day that Serena opened the box that would reveal her new life, Bernie folded the goodbye to her old one into the smallest shape she could and put it into her locker, squaring her shoulders back in the military style that came so naturally to her and strode back onto the ward.

Serena was of course aware of Bernie Wolfe, the ex RAMC trauma surgeon. As acting CEO she had reason to be at least superficially acquainted with all personnel, but their paths had never really crossed. She had made comments to Henrik about her undoubted skills in emergency surgery not being perhaps best suited to Keller ward, but he had said that it had been too good an opportunity to miss when Bernie had sent CV’s to all hospitals within a 50 mile radius, indicating her wish to return to civilian life for personal, family reasons. And as the only vacancy available was on Keller, that was where she would have to settle, for now. Serena would have to have been comatose to have missed the jungle drums beating when nearly twelve months ago, a patient with an axe to grind had declared to everyone within hearing distance about Bernie’s affair with a woman whilst she was still in the army and married.

And similarly Bernie knew Serena Campbell, but wasn’t really a fan of her ‘by the book’ management style when the hospital’s board wanted new NHS policies implementing.

They had seen each other in action at meetings, very occasionally in theatre, and it was fair to say that professionally they had a degree of respect for each other’s undoubted abilities, but if asked, they would both have agreed that working in close proximity to each other would probably not be good for the hospital or their own mental health. Little did Serena suspect, as she sifted through the contents of the shoe box that her unwelcome patient had left sitting on her desk, that she would soon find they had more in common that she could have ever imagined.

After tipping the contents out, Serena felt as though she had been gifted her own personal treasure trove when she discovered some letters written by her father at the start of her parent’s relationship, already confessing his love. He had always been the more emotional and demonstrative of them both, definitely ruled by his heart rather than his head. When her mother was cross with her if she’d got upset or worried over boyfriends in her teenage years she always told her she was just like her father, far too needy for her own good. Serena didn’t really regard it as an insult, she always wanted to think that she would rather have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all. It was certainly one of the reasons she and her mother had butted heads so often. The letters had been a wonderful find, giving her a glimpse of how much in love he had been, and that the Adrienne of those days must have been very different to the one she grew up with. She mused about what could have happened to have turned her mother into the the hard, stern figure she remembered from her childhood. Although she had always supported Serena’s career choice, she had wanted her to be the best she could be, and Serena always felt the burden of being an only child in whom her mother had invested all of her own ambition. As she pulled another envelope from out from the bottom of the box, she had no idea that within it lay a clue to what had happened all those years ago. The first thing she noticed was that it had ‘Gone away’ stamped on it, and the original address had been crossed out and her childhood home address written on instead. It had obviously been opened at some point but was now sealed with sellotape. The name on it was a Miss M Wilkinson and it was definitely written by her mother’s hand. She shrugged, supposing it to be a friend, or even some long lost relative that she was not aware of, and intrigued she carefully prized open the envelope. Inside was a birthday card, obviously for a young child, but what made Serena’s breathing falter was the fact that there was a letter that bore the message (again in her mother’s writing),

‘_To my dear Marjorie_,’

It went on..

_I hope that you know I think of you often. I thought, I hope, that when you’re older, that your mother will let you know that you’re adopted and that your birth mom, (me), would like to meet with you, if that’s what you might like as well. I will remember your birthday every year even if I never get a chance to see you again. I should also tell you that you now have a younger sister called Serena and I hope one day you will meet her. Please forgive me that I kept her and not you, but never doubt that I loved you too. Adrienne. x_

She was still sitting at her desk staring into space when there was a rap on the office door, and it opened fractionally to reveal the enquiring gaze of Bernie Wolfe.

“Ms Campbell? I’ve been asked by Mr Hanssen to cover Mr Di Lucca’s absence for the next couple of days, where would you like me to start?”

When there was no response Bernie pushed the door a little wider so she could walk inside, and was concerned when Serena still seemed to be unaware of her presence. She raised her voice and tapped her fingers on the desk.

“Ms Campbell?”

This finally seemed to shake Serena out of her stupor and she started, pushing herself away from the desk and jumping to her feet.

“Yes?” she said somewhat abruptly.

Bernie frowned, and repeated herself, watching her closely, wondering if everything was alright. Serena tried to shake the fog that was surrounding her brain away, whilst explaining to Bernie that Nurse Fletcher, or Fletch, would bring her up to speed with what was happening on the ward. She said she needed to go and speak with Henrik Hanssen, the CEO, but hoped to return to the ward before too long. Perhaps Ms Wolfe could start by doing the ward rounds, maybe with the F2, Morven Digby? Bernie nodded, still confused by a Serena Campbell that bore little resemblance to the woman she had seen take charge of meetings, a woman that she considered to have a sharp mind and wit. But she pushed her concerns to the back of her mind. Everyone had off days and right now there were patients that needed her attention.

Serena was halfway to Hanssen’s office when she remembered that she was still clutching the card, and that she hadn’t actually intended to go and see him, had just used it as an excuse to get away from the scrutiny of Bernie’s eyes. She paused on the stairs for a minute or two, and then decided to continue. As well as being the CEO of the hospital she regarded Henrik as a friend, one who would listen without offering platitudes or advice unless she specifically asked, and who would definitely not gossip.

It was nearly an hour later that she emerged from his office, feeling marginally better that before, and with the rest of the week off to adjust to the bombshell that she apparently had a sister..or half sister, that she had known nothing about. She headed back to AAU to speak to the staff, arrange the cancellations of her electives and with Hanssen’s say so, ask Ms Wolfe if she would be willing to remain on AAU for the next three days, covering her shifts. When she walked onto the ward everything appeared to be under control, and Fletch quickly brought her up to date, telling her that Bernie was currently in theatre dealing with a ruptured duodenal ulcer.

Just over 40 minutes later Bernie barged through the door of her office, coming to a halt and apologising profusely when she saw Serena sitting there.

“Sorry, I wasn’t aware you were back. Hope I didn’t startle you.”

Serena smiled.

“Not at all Ms Wolfe. I trust your surgery went well?”

“Oh yes, absolutely textbook. Erm..could you call me Bernie, please? I had enough of the strictures of rank in the army where there was a distinct hierarchy, and as I now have the dubious honour of working in the NHS I’d like to think that we can get along without too much formality.”

She took a long breath as if she wasn’t used to saying quite so much in one go, and Serena nodded her understanding.

“Of course, and you must call me Serena,” she said as she flashed another quick smile at Bernie, who was relieved to see that the woman seemed a lot more like her normal self. “Although if I were you, I can think of a few people here I would insist that they called me Major.”

Quite taken with the twinkle that had suddenly appeared in Serena’s eye, Bernie burst out laughing making the other woman jump at the loud braying sound that issued from her. Bernie apologised.

“Sorry, I know it’s a bit much…my children say I’ve embarrassed them all their lives. They describe it as a mixture between a donkey and a goose”

She shrugged her shoulders and Serena suddenly felt lighter than she had all morning, in spite of the jumbled thoughts still whirling around her brain. She gestured for Bernie to sit down in the chair opposite her.

“I need to explain that for personal reasons, I’ve asked our illustrious leader if I can take the rest of the week off as compassionate leave and he’s agreed, as long as you would be willing to fill in for me on AAU. What do you say?”

Bernie was a little surprised but not displeased with the idea. She acted as if the decision was a hard one, pursing her lips and looking up towards the ceiling.

“Well, I suppose this morning has been a little more challenging than what I normally experience on Keller…. and I’ve loved it. I’m happy to work anywhere that pushes me a little harder than the usual electives I deal with, so yes, I’d be pleased to lend a hand. I have to say I’m impressed by your team here, all of them know their limitations _and_ their strengths, and they work well together.”

Serena felt a little more tension leave her body and decided that Henrik had made a wise choice.

“That’s good to hear. I’ll be here for the rest of the day to try and clear as much paperwork as I can, so if you have any other questions or concerns just let me know.”

She reached around the desk to shake Bernie’s hand as she stood up, and felt a warm strong hand grip hers, as she also got to her feet.

“I’ll do my best to run a tight ship for you,” Bernie assured her, “and I hope that whatever is troubling you, is soon sorted out.”

Serena looked at Bernie and felt almost tearful at the obvious compassion that was showing in her soft brown eyes, and for a few moments she felt as if some of the worries of the day had melted away.

“Thank you,” she said, and was a little surprised to realise that their hands were still joined. She smiled as she relinquished her hold and Bernie shook herself out of her own reverie.

“Well, I’ll just check on a couple of patients and then, as you’re staying for a little longer, I should pop upstairs and bring Sacha up to date on what’s happening.”

And with a brief nod Bernie went back out onto the ward. As Serena watched her leave it crossed her mind that she rather hoped their paths might cross again soon. She sighed as she turned back to the files on her desk. ‘_Really,’ _she thought,_ ‘today must be the most bewildering one of my life so far. I dread to think what’s going happen next.’ _


	2. The start of something new?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> `We learn a little more of Bernie's reasons for leaving her beloved RAMC, and the start of a new friendship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who has left comments and kudos, they are as always, very much appreciated. Not very much further forward in this chapter, but perhaps a glimmer of possibilities

Chapter 2 : The start of something new?

Bernie had meant what she had said about having enjoyed her morning on AAU, and the prospect of a few more days there had left her feeling more energised than she had for a while. The list of electives that she had on Keller never really excited her, and she missed the adrenaline surge she was used to when serving in war torn areas of the globe with the RAMC. Not that she wanted people to have to work and exist under those terrible conditions, but she couldn’t deny that she thrived on being thrown into the deep end, having to rely on her skill and gut instinct to treat and hopefully save lives. AAU wasn’t exactly front-line surgery, but the unpredictability of what she was going to be faced with hour by hour appealed to her. She was sorry that something significant (and probably unwelcome) seemed to have occurred in Serena’s personal life to allow her this opportunity but she couldn’t deny the thrill she felt to be given this chance to hopefully convince Hanssen and the board that her skills in trauma surgery had a place in the civilian world of Holby as well.

Without knowing what had happened that necessitated Serena’s sudden decision to take some time off, she could certainly empathise with the way Serena must be feeling. It was just over 4 years since an IED had nearly put an end to her career as a surgeon in the RAMC. Having injured her spine and in danger from a pseudo aneurysm she had been flown back to Britain to undergo lifesaving surgery. Two days previously she had been on the verge of accepting a further 10 year commission with the army, and the fear that she would be invalided out was almost worse than the fear that she might die in the operating theatre. Her then husband, Marcus, and both of her children, had pleaded with her to take this as a sign that she should stay home and give up her military career, but she knew that if she did make it through she would almost certainly go back. Marcus hadn’t been able to hide his disgust and frustration at her decision to put her family through the agonies of worrying that next time she returned home it could be in a body bag, and the intial cracks in their marriage seemed to stem from that moment in time. It was ironic to think that she’d now ended up exactly where she would have been if she’d stayed at home when he asked.

But it had not been fear for her own life that had brought her back to Holby just two years down the line, but that of her daughter’s. When Marcus contacted her to say that Charlotte was fighting for her life having contracted bacterial meningitis shortly after starting her fresher year at university she had flown back to the U.K. on the first available flight. Sitting at her bedside in the ITU ward of the Q.E. Hospital in Birmingham still in her fatigues, she had promised a god that she didn’t really believe in, that if Charlie survived she would resign her commission and try to make a go of things with Marcus and _both _of her children. Her daughter survived, and although she never asked her mom to stay she clung to her sobbing when Bernie told her she was leaving the Army to stay in Holby. Because when Bernie learned that the disease had robbed her Charlotte of her hearing, she silently pledged she would be there to help her through, however long it took. Two years later and with Charlotte due to return to university, having made some incredible adjustments to her ‘new’ life, Bernie never regretted the decision she had made and couldn’t have been more proud of her daughter. She had walked alongside her during her recovery offering as much support as she could, and in spite of the unfortunate but ultimately inevitable divorce (and the reasons for it), their relationship had never been better. It was only now that she was considering the possibility of returning to active duty, but determined that she should wait at least 6 – 12 months to see how things were going and then talk it over with Charlotte and Cameron. Her son was in his 4th year of medical school and very independent of her, but this was a decision Bernie would no longer make without taking their feelings into account. Something she knew she should have considered long before this stage in her life.

But for now, the prospect of a few days on AAU had given her a bounce in her step, and she just hoped that Serena’s problems were not as difficult or life threatening as hers had been. Bernie had been surprised at how vulnerable Serena had appeared when they were talking in the office, and she couldn’t deny that she had felt a familiar attraction when they had gazed at each other while shaking hands.

‘_Maybe brunettes are a weakness of mine,’ _she thought, as images of Alex flooded her mind. It was hard not to feel regret over the way things had ended between them. Apart from the guilt that was lurking at the back of her mind when they had started their affair in war-torn Afghanistan, she had always known, deep down, that their relationship could not survive away from the desert. Bernie had already had begun to question her relationship with Marcus after she had returned to duty, but it had been a revelation to her when she began to realise she was attracted to the slim dark-haired anaesthetist. An allure that it seemed was shared, and because it wasn’t another man she even kidded herself, after their first kiss, that she wasn’t really cheating. But as the desire between them grew, she couldn’t deny that this was who she had always been, and that as much as she still cared for Marcus and desperately didn’t want to hurt him, she couldn’t pretend to herself that this wouldn’t forever change things. When she flew back to Holby and her daughter she knew that she and Marcus no longer had a future together as man and wife, and as soon as Charlotte was out of danger she had asked him for a divorce. In spite of many pleas from Alex to return to Kandahar she told her their relationship had run it's course and, along with her army career, she drew a veil over it, having to swallow the bitter pill that there were now two people (not counting her children) that she had hurt. Since then she had been a solitary figure not wanting to complicate her renewed (but still fragile) relationship with her children, so the slight stirrings she felt both in body and mind when she had chatted to Serena Campbell had piqued her interest. It certainly made her want to keep AAU running like clockwork, in the hope that when Serena returned both she and Hanssen would see that this was using her surgery skills in a much better way than the electives on Keller. And where she tentatively hoped she might also find a friend.

It was the following Tuesday, before Serena returned to work. She was standing in her office looking at the untidy pile of files on her desk, not to mention a couple of apples and a half eaten bag of crisps, when Bernie came barrelling in through the door holding two cups of coffee from Pulses. She took in Serena’s hostile glare and came to an abrupt halt.

“Oops! Sorry. I did mean to have tidied that up before you arrived. Housekeeping not my strongest point I’m afraid.”

She held out one of the coffees in a conciliatory gesture.

“Welcome back?”

Serena arched an eyebrow but didn’t soften the look.

“I trust my ward is in better shape than my desk?”

Bernie gave a small nod as she took a sip from her coffee, watching Serena do the same.

“Running like a well-oiled machine. You’ve trained your team well.”

Serena’s face softened at those words.

“Glad to hear it.” She took another mouthful of coffee and gave an appreciative sigh before looking vaguely surprised.

“Can I just ask, how did you manage to get exactly the right coffee for me? Should I be worried that you’ve been stalking me?”

Bernie felt her cheeks get a little warm and she ducked her head away from Serena’s gaze.

“Um, no, nothing that sinister. Simply asked the girl there if she knew what you normally ordered. I’m glad she got it right.”

Serena rolled her eyes in self mockery.

“Didn’t realise I was that predictable, although to be fair, on some days as long as it’s strong and hot, that’s all I really care about. And I have a feeling this is going to be one of those days.”

Serena sat down suddenly on her chair and sighed, and Bernie paused for a moment before putting her drink on the other side of the desk and moving round to sit on the spare chair next to the door.

“Does that mean that you haven’t managed to get things sorted since last week?” She suddenly felt as if she had no right to be asking and her voice dropped lower.

“I mean, I’m not prying…just..wondered if there’s any way I could help?”

She shrugged her shoulders and risked a glance in Serena’s direction, and was relieved to see that her expression hadn’t hardened as she thought it might, if anything it had softened..

“I rather think you’ve already helped quite a lot, keeping things on an even keel here. And my… situation isn’t going to be sorted in a few days I’m afraid.” There was a resigned tone to her voice that made Bernie stomach clench, and what came out of her mouth next was as much of a shock to herself as to Serena.

“Serena, working here on your ward has been a delight if I’m honest, and doing my job is exactly what I’m paid for, so I don’t really need any thanks for that….I..I’m told that I’m a good listener if that’s any use. If you’d like to talk things over, or just want some way to take your mind off things, I’d be happy to go for a drink later, if that would be any good?”

Bernie’s voice had got a little squeaky towards the end as she saw Serena’s eyes widen in surprise.

‘_What the hell are you thinking you fool. No wonder she looks vaguely scared, she barely knows you. Oh god, I hope she doesn’t think I’m suggesting a date.’ _

The churning in Bernie’s stomach was getting stronger by the second, and she desperately tried to backtrack.

“But don’t worry, you know, if you’d rather not share your problems with someone who is virtually a stranger..I won’t be offended. I..I should probably get back to work.”

And Bernie stood up abruptly and strode out of the door leaving a very bemused Serena sitting at her desk wondering what had made her rush out like that.

It was nearly four hours later that their paths crossed again. After an urgent appendectomy had taken Bernie into theatre almost immediately after she had left the office, when she had returned to the ward she found that Serena was nowhere to be seen, and she couldn’t deny she was grateful for that. She was feeling a little embarrassed at the way she had rushed off when she thought her offer of help was going to be rejected. She couldn’t even understand what had made her say anything, it bothered her that Serena might think she was trying to curry favour for some reason, because she was quite sure that Serena would have plenty of friends she could call upon if she needed to. When Fletcher told her that Ms Campbell had gone to see Hanssen, and had asked if she could please finish the ward rounds for her, she was actually relieved. It didn’t take long as she rarely spent time in what she saw as idle chit-chat with patients. It had taken a day or so for the AAU staff to get used to the way she did things and a few of the nurses thought her brusque and uncaring, but Fletch had pointed out she was kind, patient and listened when necessary, even sometimes smiled, but the fact she didn’t engage with them in the way Serena did, didn’t mean she was uncaring. And she was certainly efficient. No one could deny that beds were cleared a little faster than usual, and when Ms Campbell had asked him earlier how they had all coped under Ms Wolfe’s lead, he could honestly say that they had got on pretty well together.

After completing the rounds, Bernie handed off the files of those ready to be discharged, ordered some fresh bloods to be taken from a couple of others and headed to the office to sit down for a moment, thinking that she ought to find time to have a bite to eat. She was startled out of her thoughts at the sight of Hanssen and Serena already there, talking quietly. Bernie stopped and put her hand up by way of an apology.

“Sorry, I didn’t know you were in here…I’ll pop and get myself a coffee and come back later.”

“That won’t be necessary Ms Wolfe, I was waiting to speak to you anyway.” Hanssen turned to Serena. “If you wouldn’t mind leaving us alone for a few minutes Ms Campbell, I won’t commandeer your office for long.”

For a split second Serena looked a little put out, and then nodded her head as she stood up and walked past Bernie, giving her a small smile as she did.

“I tell you what, I’ll go and get you a coffee and perhaps a Danish pastry? I’m sure you need something inside you, you’ve had a full morning from what I hear.”

Bernie managed to utter a quiet ‘thank you’ as Serena closed the door behind her and then warily turned towards the CEO.

“Please sit down Ms Wolfe, this shouldn’t take long.”

Bernie didn’t move. She had learnt long ago that people in charge often liked to put their subordinates at a disadvantage by insisting they sat whilst they themselves remained standing. She had never associated this type of ploy with Hanssen, but decided not to chance it.

“I’ll sit if you do Mr Hanssen, otherwise I’ll stay on my feet, if it’s all the same to you?”

He inclined his head in acknowledgment of her choice and then proceeded to tell her that after talking with Sacha Levy and with the staff here, he felt it would best serve the interests of the hospital if she would transfer her undoubted skills from Keller to AAU, as co-lead, starting next week.

“That way, you can complete any other electives you have booked in this week, and work with Mr Levy to hand off any other patients that are still receiving treatment. Would that be agreeable to you, Ms Wolfe?”

Bernie’s mouth had dropped open more or less the moment that Henrik had started speaking, and she rather wished she had chosen to sit. She suddenly became aware that he was waiting for her to reply.

“Oh, erm..well that rather depends on whether Ms Campbell is happy with the arrangement. I mean…co-lead? I can’t imagine that she would give up half of her ward and responsibilities as easily as that. I wouldn’t want to be the cause of any more stress for her.”

Henrik studied her carefully.

“And if I were to tell you that she came to me with the idea in the first place?”

Bernie’s eyes widened in surprise, but she soon schooled her features back into the neutral expression she normally wore.

“In that case, I would very much like to accept the offer.” She gave Henrik a small smile. “Thank you.”

“I think that someone else should be the true recipient of your thanks.”

As he was speaking there was a soft knock at the door and it opened to show the lady in question clutching two coffees and a paper bag.

“Ah, Ms Campbell, perfect timing as always. I will leave you two ladies to talk. Please let me know if there are any questions.” And with a brief nod of the head, he left them alone.

“Coffee and croissant alright for you?” Serena knew she was sounding a bit too bright and cheery but was suddenly feeling uncertain and she hated that she didn’t know how Bernie had reacted to her suggestion.

Bernie looked at Serena bashfully.

“I understand that it’s you I’m to thank for offering me the key to my freedom from Keller?”

She paused for a moment and then continued.

“I’m honestly very grateful, but somewhat puzzled that you would go to the extent of offering me the co-lead position. I barely know you.”

Serena handed Bernie her drink and put the bag on the table before she sat thankfully onto her chair, pointing to the other seat on the opposite side of the desk for Bernie. Her hand tapped softly on the desktop as she tried to gather her thoughts.

“ I’m not sure exactly what Henrik has said to you regarding the reasons behind my request that he offers you the opportunity to work on AAU. The fact is my personal life has suddenly become….well, quite complicated and I can’t see the situation improving much in the short term…maybe not for quite some time. I was going to resign as deputy CEO, but Hanssen has convinced me that he relies heavily on my managerial experience, and that if I suddenly need to be working from home, at short notice, I can still be useful by dealing with the mountains of paperwork a hospital generates. Especially if he has to step in to cover me in theatre.”

She sighed.

“I’m not as convinced as he is because I’m certainly not ready to give up the surgery or care of patients completely, but I am prepared to share that responsibility. I’ve seen you in theatre, and my staff here have vouched for the fact that you work well under stress, in fact Nurse Fletcher seems to think that that’s when you shine. Which I suppose is understandable given your trauma and military background. I know we haven’t really worked _together_, but we’re both adults and I have no doubt we will find a way to do just that. I have my way of doing things, as I’m sure you have yours but as long as we agree to talk over our differences I’m as positive as I can be that we can make this work.” She took a deep breath. “So, what do you say?”

Bernie was pleasantly pleased by the straight-forward no nonsense attitude that Serena was showing, but she wasn’t entirely satisfied that things would be quite as simple as Serena was suggesting.

“What, erm, would be the case if we, say, disagreed over a surgical procedure or course of treatment. Would either of us have autonomy over the other?”

Serena raised an eyebrow. She was sure Bernie was trying to find out, as a longer serving member of staff and with her management credentials, that she would consider that she ought to have the final say. She huffed impatiently.

“I think it’s fair to say that we are, to all intents and purposes, equals. So perhaps we should agree that in trauma cases I will mainly defer to you, and in the case of a vascular injury, or the ongoing care of a patient you need to listen to my side o things. In all other cases, if there is a huge gap in the way we wish to treat someone, then we ask for a second opinion. Can we shake on that?”

Bernie looked Serena in the eye and held her gaze. She stood up and moved around to where Serena was and extended her hand.

“Equals?” she asked. “Equals,” replied Serena firmly as they grasped each other’s hands.

Bernie gave her a small smile.

“I think I now need to go and make my peace with Sacha. We’ve had our differences but he’s a great surgeon, and I know however supportive and nice he may be about my moving down here, it’s definitely going to cause a few problems for him. I won’t blame him if he gives me the worst or most boring cases this week.”

Serena shook her head.

“Not his style. Unlike me he doesn’t hold grudges.”

Bernie gave her a look of mock outrage.

“And you didn’t think to mention that _before_ I shook your hand?”

They both grinned, and Bernie walked to the door, turning as she opened it. She wanted Serena to know just how much this chance meant to her.

“And I meant what I said before, if you need to talk..about anything, just let me know. I’d be happy to help, if I can.”


	3. Getting to know you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bernie and Serena bond over a surprising revelation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No fireworks in this chapter in spite of today's date. But they are getting closer.

Chapter 3 : Getting to know you

It was Friday, Bernie’s last day on Keller, and she had been invited over to Albies by Sacha to have a farewell drink. Some of the other members of team Keller had also said they would be there, so Bernie threw caution to the winds and acting entirely out of character, made the decision to socialise with work colleagues outside of the hospital. She normally preferred to keep her working life and private life separate, and she was aware that she wasn’t too proficient (or even interested) in the gossip and small talk that seemed to go on, without adding alcohol into the mix to loosen tongues.

‘_God knows, I remember what it felt like to be on the receiving end of it, when my relationship with Alex and therefore my infidelity was the hot topic of the day.’_

But she did like and respect Sacha and knew he would be hurt if she said no, so she agreed to meet them there when her shift finished. And, barring any last minute emergencies it looked as if she would get away on time.

She was just about to hand over to the evening shift, when she saw Serena appear on the ward, and her heart sank. She felt sure that it must mean that she had an urgent case that needed looking at, which would delay her exit, so she was surprised when she was ushered into the office, rather than having the patient file that Serena was holding thrust into her hand.

“You’ve only just caught me,” she said. “I was about to head off in the next 10 minutes, but never mind.” She shrugged her shoulders and held out her hand for the file. “Something interesting?”

For a split second Serena looked puzzled and then realisation dawned on her.

“Oh, no, no. This was merely to make my visit up here look official.” Serena blushed slightly and looked vaguely embarrassed.

Bernie was even more confused.

“You’re the deputy CEO, I’m sure you don’t need a _reason_ to turn up on any ward, do you?”

Serena shuffled her feet and then gave a small sigh.

“You’re right of course, I’m not thinking clearly at the moment. Because my reason for coming up to see you wasn’t work related, well, not directly, I got it into my head I should make it look as if it was..”

She grimaced and pushed her hand through her short dark hair, making her normal, very groomed look disappear in a trice.

“I, um.. I was hoping that we could possibly go for that drink you were talking about, this evening? I thought that it's only fair that you know a little more about the recent developments in my life that have prompted my decision to offload some of my responsibilities on to you.”

Bernie was quick to respond.

“Serena, please don’t feel you have to explain anything to me, unless you want to. In which case I would be happy to listen to whatever you wish to share….. but, just not this evening. Sacha and some of the team have arranged a small celebration in Albie’s, no doubt to show their joy in getting rid of me, and I don’t feel it would go down too well if I pulled out now. I’m sorry.”

Serena’s face fell slightly but she quickly recovered.

“No, I understand perfectly. Another time.” She turned to go when she felt a hand grab her arm.

“Look, why don’t you come as well?” Bernie blurted out. “I doubt it will last long and we could go somewhere else after I’ve put in an appearance and observed the niceties.”

Serena smiled and shook her head.

“Thank you, but no. I fear I would dampen the mood as I’m not really in the right frame of mind to be jolly. And I know some junior doctors there that might feel a bit inhibited by my presence amongst them.”

Bernie still held onto Serena’s arm, unwilling to let her go, especially as she appeared so dispirited.

“Okay, okay..well how about tomorrow then? We could meet for a coffee in the morning, or grab a light lunch somewhere….would that be any help?”

Bernie couldn’t quite quantify in her own mind why she felt that she didn’t want to let Serena down, but right now the best she could come up with was that she simply wanted to help. And if doing so meant that she would see that rather bewitching smile that was currently spreading over her face, then so much the better.

“Are you sure? I mean, I wouldn’t want you to change any plans you might have already made.”

Bernie gave a short sharp bark of a laugh which she quickly brought under control.

“You will soon learn I’m not someone who really has a social life. Apart from the occasional catch-up with my children, most of my days off are spent reading medical journals and slouching around in my rather small but perfectly functional flat. You’d be doing _me_ a favour if I’m honest.”

Serena didn’t really believe her but accepted her offer thankfully, and they hastily made plans to meet at a local coffee shop around 11.00, with the possibility of going on to have lunch elsewhere.

As Bernie changed out of her scrubs to head across to the bar, she found herself smiling, and the smile lasted all the way over to where her former colleagues were waiting.

“Blimey Ms Wolfe,” said Dominic Copeland, the young F2 that she had been mentoring, “you must be really glad to be going to AAU. I haven’t seen you look this happy since Mr Levy told you that I was to be your pain in the ass.”

Bernie laughed and swatted him on the arm.

“Right,” she said, “let’s get started, the first two rounds are on me. After that it’s all down to Mr Levy.”

The whoops, protests and laughter that followed her announcement lifted her spirits even more, but she made a mental note not to drink too much. She didn’t want to meet up with Serena the next day nursing a hangover.

In spite of having imbibed a little more whiskey than she intended, Saturday morning found Bernie up in time to put a load of washing on, and do a quick tidy of her flat. Not that there was much to tidy, years of army living meant she was used to keeping personal belongings to a minimum. Her son, Cameron, always said that it looked like she was preparing to up sticks and leave at a moments notice and she reflected that this was probably true. Even though this was the longest she had ever stayed in one place since her medical and army training, she couldn’t quite rid herself of the need to be able to close the door behind her and know that she could carry everything that was important and essential to her in one hold-all slung over her shoulder. As she pottered about she couldn’t quite rationalise the underlying nervousness she was feeling over meeting up with Serena out of work, or how important it felt to be doing so. Possibly the knowledge that she needed this move to AAU to work in her favour was the root cause of her anxiety, so having Serena as a friend rather than just a colleague somehow seemed significant. And she was aware that to be taken into the confidence of her co-lead was a big thing, so she didn’t want to let her down before their working relationship had even started. She had planned to get to the coffee shop well before their arranged time as she didn’t want Serena to think she wasn’t going to turn up, so she couldn’t understand how she ended up running from the multi-storey car park to even get there for 11.00am, praying as she did that she would still be the first to arrive. As she burst through the café doors she realised her prayers had gone unanswered, spying Serena at a table in the corner, her head having shot up as the door had banged open with the force she had come through it.

“Bugger,” Bernie muttered under her breath as she walked a little more sedately over to Serena, pushing her hand through her hair in an effort to tame the waves that had become ruffled by her mad-cap dash along the High St.

“Good morning,” said Serena, a slightly bemused look on her face. “Do you make a habit of coming through doors at speed? Because if so, we might need to put some sort of padding on the filing cabinet that’s behind the door in the office. It’s already got a small dent in it after your entrance the other day.”

Then she gave a genuine smile to show she was only teasing.

Bernie groaned with embarrassment .

“I’m so sorry, I’d been running so I wouldn’t be late, and I guess my legs didn’t halt when my brain told them too.”

Serena patted the chair next to her for Bernie to sit and she signalled to the waitress they were ready for their drinks.

“I hope you don’t mind, I already ordered two coffees so that they could bring them over as soon as you got here.”

Scarcely had she finished speaking when the drinks were placed in front of them.

“If you’re hungry, do order some food. They do a very nice range of brunch items, as well as rather indulgent cakes.”

Bernie shook her head.

“I’m not that bothered about breakfast to be honest, a piece of fruit or an energy bar is usually all I can manage.”

She didn’t explain further that she’d been rather tense about their meeting, so putting anything into her stomach didn’t appeal right now.

Serena arched an eyebrow.

“I hope that doesn’t go for work days as well, I don’t want to be informed my co-lead has fainted in theatre due to low blood sugar.”

Bernie felt herself go a little pink, and was irritated to think that Serena was attempting to give advice to her as if she was a ‘wet behind the ears’ F1, on what she still obviously saw as _her_ ward.

“I can assure you that wouldn’t happen. I have operated under far more difficult conditions than any that exist on AAU, and even after having performed many hours of gruelling surgery in ridiculously hot climates, I have managed to stay on my feet, no matter how hungry I am.”

Serena’s eyes widened at the clipped response and she tipped her head to one side with a small smirk on her lips.

“Oh, big macho army medic are we?”

Bernie was about to fly off the handle and say that perhaps this wasn’t going to work if Serena insisted on making fun of her or belittling her, when she felt Serena’s hand on her shoulder pressing her back down onto her seat. She hadn’t even realised that, in her anger. she had started to stand, ready to storm out of the café in a similar manner to how she had entered.

“I’m sorry, really sorry, please stay. That was out of order, and I wasn’t trying to needle you, I was actually attempting to make a joke so that this feels… less formal. My emotions and the ability to judge a situation are a bit out of wack at the moment.” She took a deep breath. “Can we start again?”

She stretched out her hand and Bernie instinctively met it halfway with her own.

“I’m sorry too. I’m not usually so sensitive.”

They both relaxed back into their seats with a small smile, and nothing was said for a couple of minutes while they drank their coffee, each waiting for the other to speak. Serena was the first to break the silence.

“Look, I’m not sure exactly what to tell you, or if you really want to know the ins and outs of my personal life, but I do think I need to give you an idea of what has happened, so that you can appreciate how unlike myself I feel at the moment. However I think I was wrong to imagine that I can talk about it in a public place, so…would you mind coming back to mine? I can make us a snack if you want and then at least if I start to cry or rant then you won’t feel quite so embarrassed if I break down while we’re having lunch in the local pub.”

There was an air of bravado in the way she was talking, but Bernie could hear the uncertainty and hesitation in her voice, and although part of her wanted to run a mile from anyone who would burden her with secrets, (she’d had enough of her own to last her a lifetime) she could see that the woman in front of her needed to give voice to whatever was troubling her. So she nodded reassuringly.

“Of course, I’ll follow you in my car. Where are you parked?”

Serena shook her head.

“Oh, I’m not in my car. I only live a thirty minute walk away and I needed the time in the fresh air to try and calm myself. I haven’t been sleeping too well, and…look, if you don’t object to giving me a lift, let’s just go, okay? I’ll direct you.”

Even taking in the walk to the car park and Bernie driving a little slower than she normally did waiting on verbal instructions of when to turn left or right, they were still pulling onto Serena’s drive less than 20 minutes after leaving the café.

As Serena opened the door to her home and invited her in, Bernie began to feel nervous all over again. This suddenly seemed a whole lot more intimate than meeting in a café, especially knowing that she had an underlying attraction to Serena. She mentally shook herself as she stepped inside, deciding to focus on how she might be able to help her colleague through what was obviously a difficult patch. Even if it was only to be available to listen when she needed to vent. She followed Serena into the kitchen and perched on one of the tall stools at the breakfast bar, watching her open numerous cupboards and the fridge before turning to her with an apologetic look on her face.

“Seems as if I was unprepared for entertaining as well. I can offer cheese on toast, beans on toast or a tuna sandwich.”

Her face suddenly crumpled.

“This is just a mistake, I’m an emotional wreck and my life feels like it’s falling to pieces, I’m sorry to have dragged you into it.”

Bernie stood and walked over to Serena, guiding her to a seat at a small table. She felt awkward, but wanted her to know she was here to help if she could.

“Hey, it’s okay. If you point me in the direction of where you keep your tea and sugar, I’ll make us a brew, and perhaps just some toast? I think I’ve spotted the bread bin and the fridge, I’m no chef but I can operate a toaster.”

Serena gave a sort of strangled laugh as she tried to compose herself, and pointed to the relevant cupboard. By the time Bernie put two mugs of tea and a plate of buttered toast in front of her she was a little more in control, even if her smile was tentative.

“Thank you. I don’t expect you imagined you’d signed up to co-lead with a crazy lady.”

Bernie shrugged her shoulders.

“Believe me, I’m no stranger to dealing with a personal crisis, although it has to be said I’m more at home with the sort that needs me wielding a scalpel rather than patting people on the back and saying ‘there, there’. But I stand by what I said in the office, I _am_ a good listener. As long as you bear in mind that any advice I may offer will most likely be crap.”

She smiled and was relieved to see Serena give a genuine smile in return. There was a small silence as Serena took a deep breath, and then she started to talk in a quiet voice about her mother’s illness and the toll it had had on her, and the guilt at the underlying relief she had felt when she died. Bernie took notice of how she played with the necklace she always seemed to wear, her fingers twisting it back and forth in agitation. When Serena seemed to falter she reached across the table and gently covered Serena’s other hand with her own in an effort to offer her some of her strength to carry on, and when she reached the bit about discovering the existence of a sister she had never known, Bernie gasped and lightly squeezed her fingers. Serena raised her eyes then, and gave her a resigned look.

“If you think that’s difficult, imagine how I felt when I found out a couple of days ago, that I’m never going to meet her, because she died just a few months before my mother. How’s that for a kick in the teeth?”

She gave a small sob and Bernie swiftly stood to stand behind her putting a hand on her shoulder, rubbing gently.

“Would you like a glass of water?”

Serena shook her head and Bernie pulled her chair round so she could sit next to her, her arm resting against Serena’s back.

“I don’t normally wallow in self pity, especially not over someone I never knew but I keep asking myself why my mother never felt she could tell me. From what she wrote in the card I found, she had wanted my sister to know about me, so why didn’t she want me to know as well? Was she that disappointed in me that she felt she couldn’t trust me?”

Bernie tightened her grip around Serena and pulled her jerkily towards her.

“How could she be disappointed in you? You are an outstanding surgeon _and_ deputy CEO of a prestigious hospital in the NHS. As a woman herself she must have known how hard you’d worked to achieve that.”

Serena gave a huff as she buried her head momentarily into Bernie’s neck, which made Bernie’s stomach give a little flip, and then she pulled away to sit upright, propping her head up with a hand under her chin. She gave a wry smile.

“Oh, I’m sure professionally she was proud of me, I think it was the personal side of my life that she found wanting. And I can’t argue with that....divorced, with a daughter I barely see and a string of some very short-lived or failed relationships behind me. I imagine she considered me somewhat lacking in emotional stability.”

Not knowing exactly how to respond, Bernie tried to steer the conversation away from Serena’s character assassination of herself.

“So, erm, was it difficult to find out about your sister? Did you hire a private investigator?”

“Nothing quite so cloak and dagger or romantic I’m afraid. One of my recent relationships was with a police detective and as we’d parted on fairly equitable terms I felt able to contact him and ask the best way to go about tracking her down. He was very sweet in fact, and said that he had a mate who might be able to help.”

She sighed.

“Even managed to find out where she was buried. And it’s fairly local. It seems we’d been living in the same area for most of my life as far as I know.”

Bernie raised an eyebrow.

“Have you been there…to see the grave?”

“No. Haven’t felt strong enough yet. And I don’t want to go alone.”

“What about Elinor, wouldn’t she go with you?”

This elicited another deep sigh that was nearly a groan.

“I haven’t told her yet, not sure how to explain something I don’t really understand myself. And besides, she adored her grandmother, so I’m sure she’d find a way to make this all my fault.”

Bernie stood up and grasped a metaphorical nettle.

“I’ll go with you, if you want? I mean, I know we don’t know each other very well but I’d like to help.”

Serena looked up at her in surprise.

“Why would you do that? It’s a lovely thing to say but I couldn’t ask that of you.”

“You’re not asking, I’m offering. And..and I can remember how much I would have appreciated someone to lean on when my little secret became the focus of the ‘rumour mill’ at Holby. It’s different to your situation but I believe in the saying ‘a trouble shared…’”

Serena looked at her and gave her a shy smile which made Bernie’s heart beat just a little bit faster.

“Well, if you’re sure, that would be very kind. I’ll check the rota on Monday and see when we’re both off.”

“Why not now? Sometimes it's best to bite the bullet, and if you think about it for too long there will always be a reason to put it off.”

Serena started to protest but stopped, mulling over Bernie’s words. She pushed herself up from the table with a determined look on her face.

“You know, you’re right. Let’s do this before I change my mind. I’ll just get my car keys.”

As she strode into the hall, Bernie swiftly followed and pulled gently on Serena’s arm.

“I think it’s best if I drive. You can sort out google maps on your phone to give me directions. Then if you get a little overwhelmed by it all you can give in to your emotions on the way back without endangering our lives. Okay?”

Surprisingly Serena _was_ okay with the suggestion, despite the fact that normally she didn’t take kindly to being told what to do, even when it was for her own good. She nodded and grabbing her bag and house keys she followed Bernie down to her car.

It took forty minutes to reach the cemetery, and another ten minutes of gathering her courage together before Serena was able to get out of the car. Bernie had sensibly suggested that they work backwards from the most recently dug graves, and if that wasn’t successful they could go to the crematorium office where she was confident someone would have the means to locate the site. Bernie also warned her that there may not yet be a proper headstone, as there was always at least 6 months before the ground would settle enough. Then there was always the possibility that the family might not have got around to ordering one, some people take a long time before they can face the reality of what has happened. Serena had gasped when Bernie had mentioned ‘family’, stupidly not having given a thought about there being a possibility she had a family of her own. In the end they didn’t have to spend too long on their search and there _was_ a headstone. Serena felt her legs tremble as she read the newly engraved words.

**Marjorie Haynes**

**Much loved mother of Jason**

She had a nephew?!


	4. Caring and Sharing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The bond between Serena and Bernie is getting stronger.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who has left such lovely comments and kudos.  
Please remember that I have skewed the timeline and ages of most of the characters, so don't worry that some bits of narrative don't tie in exactly with canon.

Chapter 4 : Caring and sharing.

Bernie had stayed back as Serena stopped in front of the grave, and therefore saw the sway of her body as she read the words and moved quickly to snake an arm around her waist to support her. Serena sagged gratefully against her and allowed herself to be helped to a nearby bench to sit down. Bernie pushed against her back so that while her head wasn’t exactly between her knees it was hopefully low enough to prevent her from fainting. Always uncomfortable in situations where she felt she should offer words of comfort, she instead gently patted between Serena’s shoulder blades, in what she hoped was in a soothing manner, but in fact reminded her more of how she would ‘wind’ a baby, so she stopped abruptly.

“You okay?” she said quietly as Serena slowly pushed herself upright.

“I’m an Auntie,” she said rather flatly, all her excitement at learning that fact having momentarily dissipated with shock. She turned to look at Bernie and tears came into her eyes as the emotions flooded back.

“Oh my god, there’s no mention of a husband, or other siblings. Perhaps as she was adopted it’s likely she was on only child too. Does that mean he’s all alone now? How old is he? Should I try to find him?”

Bernie found she was struggling to interrupt the flow of thoughts that were now pouring out of Serena’s mouth, and without thinking she slipped into her Major persona and grabbed Serena by the shoulder, turning her so they were face to face and said rather forcefully, “**Stop this**.”

Serena’s eyes blazed with fury for a split second at being spoken to as if she were a child having a tantrum, but almost immediately the anger faded away, and she slumped back against the seat, exhausted.

After a couple of minutes she turned her gaze from the grave back to Bernie.

“Bet you’re beginning to regret having got mixed up in all this now,” she observed. “If you’ll drop me back I’ll release you from your duties and you can go home and put all this behind you, and spend what’s left of the weekend trying not to freak out about working with me on Monday.”

Bernie cocked her head to one side, trying to work out if Serena really wanted her gone or was just voicing what she thought Bernie wanted to hear.

“What about you, when I’ve dropped you home? Will you speak to Elinor about what’s happened, or maybe that detective? I think you could do with having someone there to talk it through or to simply take your mind off things.”

Serena shook her head.

“No to Elinor, she’d either simply tell me to get a grip or come flying over here to insist that I should leave well alone, that this Jason probably wouldn’t want me messing his life up as I have hers.”

She looked at the shocked expression on Bernie’s face and shrugged.

“Maybe I am exaggerating a little, but one thing I do know is that she would make it all about her. She already thinks I don’t pay her enough attention so she wouldn’t be happy to think that my focus was once again elsewhere.”

Bernie stood up and gently pulled Serena to her feet.

“Come on, let’s get you home and then we’ll discuss what happens next. It’s a bit chilly to sit here and try to make sense of it all.”

Serena gave a slight nod of her head and followed Bernie back to the car. The journey home was made in silence and Serena was grateful for that. She was more glad than ever that she had asked Hanssen to transfer Bernie to AAU, as she was considering working from home on Monday, not sure she would be in a fit state to run a ward. She glanced across at her co-lead wondering if for once the universe was actually on her side, sending this woman to support her, but didn't want to ask for her support or give the impression of being weak, more than she already had, that is.

Once inside the house Bernie set about making them yet another hot drink, shushing Serena when she said she was quite capable of doing that herself. She ushered her through to the lounge and sat down on the chair facing the sofa, where Serena was tucked into the corner.

“Look, I know you want me to go, or at least, you will say you do, but I’m concerned. You’ve had quite a shock and apart from anything else I’m not convinced you’ll make any attempt to eat anything. We’ve already established that you have very few ingredients to work with, so why don’t we get a take-out? I need to eat too, and to be honest, I’d much rather have company when I do. What do you say?”

Serena mulled it over. Bernie was right about her not bothering with food, she’d planned on a few glasses of wine and then bed, which she acknowledged might not be the best idea she’d ever had. And the thought of Bernie’s company for a little longer was definitely a more appealing option, as long as wine was still part of the equation.

“Okay, you’ve convinced me. Thank you.” She smiled briefly. “But I insist that we don’t talk anymore about my problems. I want to push everything about this situation to the back of my mind for a couple of hours if I can, and I’m telling you in advance that alcohol will be involved. In fact, I’m going to get a bottle of Shiraz uncorked right now while you decide what you fancy to eat. I’ll go along with whatever you decide, I’m not fussy.”

It turns out that Serena _is_ fussy about pineapple on pizza, but luckily Bernie had had the forethought to order two medium-sized pizzas with differing toppings, rather than one large one to share. When Serena glared at her upon opening the boxes, Bernie had spluttered in indignation.

“What?! You said you weren’t fussy?”

Serena huffed.

“That’s not being fussy, that’s just plain wrong.”

Bernie rolled her eyes and removed the offending item from Serena’s hands.

“All the more for me then,” she observed, and catching Serena’s eye they both started to giggle at the absurdity of it and Serena felt a little bit of the tension in her melt away.

Keeping the topic of conversation away from Serena’s problems prompted Bernie to share a little bit about her life and what had caused her to leave the army and Serena had been astounded to hear about the IED that had nearly ended her army career, and felt quite upset as Bernie relived the panic she had felt over Charlotte’s illness and the challenge that had been faced as a result. She also touched briefly on the divorce but only in reference to how they had both agreed, no matter what, that they would always pull together when it came to wanting the best for both of their children. Serena felt a touch of envy when she heard that.

“Couldn’t be more different than my own acrimonious divorce then. I tried very hard to keep my feelings about Edward hidden from Elinor, but given that currently she often chooses to spend her spare time with her father rather than me, suggests I didn’t quite succeed.” She shook her head in frustration. “It’s very difficult to get past the fact, even all these years later, that he was a drunken, cheating, lying bastard.”

There was a strained silence as Serena remembered rather too late that infidelity had played a part in Bernie’s marriage breakdown.

“I’m sorry, I never meant to imply anything..you know, I mean he could never admit that he’d done anything, and I’m sure that you...” Serena ran out of words, “sorry” she repeated.

Bernie gave a slight shrug, but Serena didn’t miss the slight tension in her body or the momentary flash of hurt in her eyes.

“It’s fine. Yes, I did the cheating and Marcus and the children paid the price. I’m simply grateful that after 22 years of marriage he knew me well enough to accept it wasn’t something I had planned.”

They finished off their food and wine in silence, but it didn’t feel awkward. Not long after, Bernie stood up and reached for Serena’s phone.

“Is it okay if I put my number in here? I mean, it would be useful just for work purposes, but I want you to be able to contact me easily if you need to…about anything.”

Serena nodded and a warmth flooded through her at the care Bernie was showing.

“I’ll text you in a bit so you have my number too. And the same thing applies, if you want?”

Bernie gave Serena a shy smile as she handed the phone back.

“I’d like that, thank you. And now I really should leave you in peace, now that I’m confident that if you drink anymore tonight, it won’t leave you with alcoholic poisoning because you had nothing in your stomach.”

Serena rolled her eyes and followed Bernie to the front door.

“Well, if I don’t receive an S.O.S from you tomorrow, I hope I’ll see you on Monday?”

Bernie gave her a small wink and smile, but as she started to walk out of the door she felt Serena’s hand rest on her shoulder, causing her to turn her head. Serena seemed to be struggling to say something and in the end it was a simple but heartfelt “thank you” that escaped her lips. Bernie suddenly felt bashful, and ducked her head to avoid looking Serena in the eyes, and with a murmured “you’re welcome” continued down the drive to her car, her heart skipping a beat as she did.

Serena walked back into the lounge and gathered up the remnants of their pizzas, the bottle of wine and glasses and headed into the kitchen. She had intended to finish off the wine, but realised that a lot of the tension she had harboured all day was no longer there and she thought that tonight, sleep might come without the effect of alcohol numbing her senses. So a little earlier than normal she made sure all was secure downstairs, and grabbing her laptop and phone she headed upstairs. Once ready for bed she slipped between her very luxurious 600 thread cotton sheets and settled back against the pillows. The first thing she did was send a text to her daughter, something she knew she should do more often, regardless of whether she got a reply or not. She asked how she was and told her how she would love to see her again soon, which was true. Seeing her sister’s grave earlier had brought home to her that she should let her daughter know just how much she meant to her. But knowing Elinor as well as she did she threw in the added incentive of promising to take her on a shopping trip when she chose to visit. She knew it was bribery, but she needed to speak to her face to face before dropping the bombshell of a cousin she had never met. She finished with a simple _I love you Ellie,_ and imagined the eye roll that it would prompt with a small smile. She held the phone for a few moments before starting another message, her smile unconsciously growing wider as she did.

Bernie was sitting staring at the documentary on her TV with unseeing eyes. In spite of the unsettling feelings that today had provoked, she had enjoyed the time she had spent in Serena’s company. There was something about the woman that made Bernie feel warm inside, and she was now ready to admit that in different circumstances she might be testing the waters around a slightly closer relationship than the one that Serena would imagine. She had been surprised at how quickly they seemed to have bonded and in spite of being aware that Serena was heterosexual through and through, there had been a couple of occasions when she’d seen something in her eyes that made her wonder. However she was a realist and could accept that she would simply have to settle for a good friend, someone she could trust to have her back, and she hoped today she had shown Serena that she was more than ready to return the favour.

A sudden wolf-whistle interrupted her thoughts as she heard the message received tone from her phone, courtesy of Charlotte who thought it was funny, her surname being Wolfe. Both her children had always been curious as to why she had never taken Marcus’s surname of Dunn, or even made it double-barrelled with her own, but in her head it had never been an option. Going into the army she had been proud of her own family’s legacy and getting married had never changed that, she had clung to it as if it was the last remnant of her own independent self. She picked up her phone expecting to see a message from Charlotte and was momentarily puzzled when it showed an unrecognised number. When she opened she felt blush suffuse her cheeks as she read the message.

**I thought I should let you know that I am safely tucked up in bed without having consumed any more alcohol, and feeling a lot less stressed than I was 24 hours ago, which is quite an achievement considering the emotional ride I have been through. I wanted to say a proper thank you for how you’ve supported me today, it was most unexpected and very much appreciated. I’m really looking forward to us working together. Serena x**

Bernie saved the number under Serena’s name and smiled happily before dashing off a quick reply.

**As I said before, you are more than welcome. I did tell you I was a good listener, and I’m an even better surgeon, as you’ll see on Monday. B   
**

Deciding to follow Serena’s example of having an early night she switched off the TV and lights and headed for her bedroom.

Monday morning dawned, cloudy but at least dry. Bernie got up earlier than necessary unable to squash the excitement at the thought of starting the week in her new role of co-lead of AAU. She couldn’t deny that the prospect of working alongside Serena was in itself the cause of a few of the butterflies in her stomach, and she was hoping that the friendship between them that had started on Saturday, would continue. But she was not blind to the fact that a friendship in one’s personal life may not translate that well into the work environment, especially when they undoubtedly had very different ways of approaching things. Seeing that it was dry outside she nearly opted to go for a short run to burn off some of the adrenaline pumping through her body, but was too anxious about being late on her ‘first’ day, so decided against it. She didn’t want Serena to think that she couldn’t be relied on, and also wanted her to know that if she was finding things hard then she could take more time off, and that she would look after the ward.

Serena also had mixed feelings about today. Thanks to Bernie’s presence and support on Saturday, she had found Sunday less of an ordeal than she had feared. She had desperately wanted to call Bernie and feel the comfort that her measured tones might bring, but had fought against it, not wanting push their growing friendship too far, too quickly. When she walked into AAU she was relieved to see a fairly calm state of affairs, and nodding at a couple of nurses she walked into the office, momentarily surprised (and pleased) to see Bernie sitting at the desk they now shared.

“You’re an early bird. Eager for the fray are you?”

Bernie smiled and and the friendliness that shone from her eyes made Serena’s stomach flutter a little. She pointed to the patient files in front of her.

“Thought it might be an idea to get up to speed with things as quickly as I could. Didn’t want my co-lead to think I would shirk my duties when it came to paperwork.” She pulled a face and sighed.

“Although for future reference…I detest this aspect of the job and you should know that this won’t be repeated very often.”

Serena had hung up her coat and she sank into her seat, clutching the coffee from Pulses that she had collected on the way to the ward.

“Well as long as _you_ know that I will not be picking up your slack in that department we should manage just fine.”

They both grinned at each other and Bernie couldn’t help but feel grateful to the gods that had conspired to get her transferred down here. She hesitated for a moment before speaking.

“How are you? I mean.. have you decided what you’re going to do about Jason? If..if you want to tell me that is, I mean..you don’t have to, obviously.”

Serena was amused by Bernie’s question, or rather by the manner in which it was asked, but was still stressed by the whole situation so her face remained blank. Her hand flew to her neck, tugging gently at the necklace she always wore.

“I’ve come to the conclusion that I owe it to my mother and my sister to at least ascertain whether or not Jason might benefit from knowing that he has an aunt. So I spoke to Robbie yesterday, the detective I told you about, to see if his friend could find out how old he is, or if there are any other family members that I should approach first.”

“She raised an eyebrow as she recalled their conversation.

“Robbie did point out that now that her birth and death are in the system, I could probably find out the information I want for myself by simply ordering a copy of the death certificate and taking it from there. I’m ashamed to admit that I did play on the idea that I’m in such a state of shock that I couldn’t possibly cope with the pressure that would bring. He eventually said he would pursue it for me and send whatever they find to my email address.”

She took a deep breath and then released it slowly.

“So for the time being I simply have to wait, and depending on what they find, take my time to look at the information before I make a decision. I also may have agreed to take him out for a meal by way of saying thank you.”

Bernie had listened with interest until the last comment, and was surprised to feel her teeth clench as she heard about Robbie and Serena renewing their relationship. There was a small bubble of anger building in her chest to think that Robbie would offer help in return for a date, and she was just about to voice her disgust at this ploy, when there was a knock at the door and Fletcher poked his head around it.

“Sorry to disturb you ladies, but we’ve just been informed of a RTC on the ring road, and 6 casualties are on their way to the ED, a couple likely to need urgent surgery. So…”

They both pushed their chairs away from the desk and followed him out of the office. Serena turned to Bernie.

“As you’re already in scrubs, could you head down to the ED and offer your skills in determining who will be in most need of critical care? I’ll go and get changed so that I can join you in surgery as quickly as possible.”

Bernie nodded and headed out of the doors, running down the one flight of stairs rather than wait for the lift. She could feel her heart pounding and felt guilty at the smile that was tugging at her lips as adrenaline coursed through her body.

‘_God I have missed this so much.’_

It was after 2 o’clock in the afternoon before Serena changed out of her scrubs again to join Bernie in their office. They were both tired from back to back surgery, but feeling elated that all of their patients had survived surgery. They had worked together on one young woman whose leg had been severely crushed, but with Serena’s vascular skills she had managed to restore blood flow to the lower leg and foot and Bernie had then used her ‘toolkit’ to reconstruct the limb. There were so many nuts and bolts and metal frames surrounding it Serena had commented that it looked as if the patient had been inside a garage rather than an operating theatre, but had secretly been awed by the skill shown by her co-lead.

Bernie pushed a coffee and sandwich she had bought from Pulses across the desk to her and Serena smiled in gratitude. Bernie was already halfway through hers and had to swallow a large mouthful before she could speak, nearly choking in the process, and Serena couldn’t resist a small dig.

“If you got into the habit of eating a decent breakfast, you wouldn’t feel the need to inhale food quite so fast and put yourself in danger of asphyxiation.”

Bernie’s eyebrows shot up, a look of indignation on her face until she saw the teasing smile Serena was giving her, and chose to parry with a dig of her own.

“Why did you bother getting changed out of scrubs? Another case could come in at any moment and you’d have to repeat the process all over again which could waste valuable time.”

A flash of irritation crossed Serena’s face.

“I _hate _my fucking scrubs,” she spat out, startling Bernie with the ferocity of her words and immediately felt stupid in reacting so intensely.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to sound so angry. It’s just…well, you look..fine in yours. Hell, you’d look good in anything with your fantastic figure. Whereas I…how did Edward put it? Oh yes, I look as appealing as a sack of potatoes in mine. Why he thought that might prompt me to lose a bit of weight I have no idea.”

Serena couldn’t help the bitterness that had crept into her voice and Bernie felt a surge of anger at this idiot of a man.

“Well he obviously needs his eyes testing, I think your figure is fabulous just as it is..”

Bernie’s voice tailed off slightly as she realised what she’d said and her face felt hot all of a sudden. If Serena noticed her discomfort she chose to ignore it so Bernie quickly tried to change the subject.

“So, have you arranged when you’re going on a date with Robbie? Or are you waiting to see if he provides you with more information first?”

Serena gave Bernie a slightly scornful look.

“Firstly..it’s _not_ a date, not in my eyes. I do not want to go back down a path that has already come to a dead end. Secondly, I am not quite that shallow as to make our dinner hinge on whether or not he finds out the information I need. He might not be partner material but he has shown himself to be a good friend and he has helped me tremendously already. So, in answer to your question, yes. We are going for a meal on Friday evening.”

Bernie winced internally as she realised she had once again inadvertently annoyed Serena. She was also trying to hide the stab of what could only be described as jealousy upon hearing about Serena’s dinner plans. She quickly swallowed the rest of her sandwich and stood up, grabbing her coffee as she did.

“I’m just going to grab a breath of fresh air if that’s okay?”

Serena nodded.

“Of course. We’ve both earned a bit more of a break than simply shovelling food into our mouths in the office. I’ll make a start on the admin side of things and then when you get back, I’ll go for a walk.”

“Sounds like a plan,” Bernie agreed as she headed out of the door. “I’ll be back in about 15 minutes, but page me if you need me.”

After she’d gone Serena sank back in her chair. Bernie thinking that the meal on Friday was a date had perturbed her. What if Robbie was thinking the same thing?

‘_Good grief, I really hadn’t thought this through. ‘_

She was annoyed with herself and tutted as she reached for the first patient file on the desk. She felt her face grow warm as she recalled telling Bernie that she had a ‘fantastic figure’, and was glad no one else had heard her or that Bernie hadn’t seemed to notice. A small smile spread across her face when she remembered Bernie insisting she had a ‘fabulous figure’ and then rolled her eyes and chuckled. They’d have to watch their banter when they were in front of others or they’d soon become the butt of the porter’s gossip. She, for one did not want to be discussed in staff rooms as going through a mid-life crisis brought about by the menopause.

‘_Maybe dinner with Robbie isn’t such a bad thing after all.’ _she thought to herself. ‘_There’d scarcely be a raised eyebrow about my going out with an old flame.’_

When she left the office Bernie had headed straight for the roof. She wanted time to get her thoughts in order and didn’t want to be seen pacing around the hospital grounds like a mad woman by all and sundry. She took out the pack of cigarettes from her hoodie and turned them round and round in her hands trying to resist the urge to light one. A voice from the corner by the air conditioning vent made her jump.

“You do know, as a doctor, that those are really bad for you, don’t you?”

She turned swiftly to see her former mentee from Keller, Dominic Copeland seated on a small ledge leaning against the unit, and gave a small laugh.

“Hence the reason I haven’t yet succumbed. But I really, really want to.”

Dom patted the ledge next to him and Bernie walked over and sat down. He cocked his head to one side and grinned.

“Don’t tell me that the first day on AAU has you regretting leaving the peace and quiet on Keller? Or have you already locked horns with the formidable Ms Campbell and needed to vent your feelings?”

Bernie gave a wry smile.

“Something like that.”

Dom’s eyes sparkled.

“Ooh, do tell. What did she do, override you in theatre or bawl you out in front of the whole ward? Or did you tell her that you weren’t the sort of person who needed to ask her permission to perform risky surgery, and she sent you to Hanssen to be reprimanded?”

Bernie spluttered indignantly at his suggestion.

“Dr Copeland, need I remind you that although we no longer work together, I am still your senior senior and I do not want you spreading rumours around the hospital based on your overactive imagination. Even if any of that were true..which it is _not, _I’m damn sure that Ms Campbell is more than capable of reprimanding me herself, without sending me to the CEO.”

Bernie’s cheeks suddenly flamed red at the thought of Serena reprimanding her and Dominic’s eyes widened in surprise.

“Oh…. ohh, you fancy her don’t you? Is it something she’s said or done that’s got you hot under the collar? Or..have you said or done the wrong thing?”

Bernie stood up and walked a few paces before turning back to face him, doing her best not to glare.

“Look, I remember how..supportive you were towards me when the whole Alex debacle became known and if I failed to say it then, I did appreciate it. But that doesn’t mean that you have a right to speculate about my life and that of my work colleagues. If I hear one word of gossip about me or Serena I will come down on you like a ton of bricks..do you understand?”

The grin that had adorned Dom’s face faded fast and he nodded repeatedly before muttering ‘sorry’ as he walked towards the exit. Bernie winced as the door clanged shut behind him.

‘_Way to go Berenice, that was really well done. Couldn’t be any more obvious that you find your co-lead attractive could it?”_

She pulled a cigarette from the packet and lit it, breathing deeply in the hope of calming herself down. She’d be fine, she argued with herself. She was a mature woman not some hormonal teenager, and as long as she started to employ her brain before blurting things out then no one, least of all Serena, would be any the wiser.


	5. Stressful Times

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Serena learns more about Jason, and needs Bernie to help her out. It's time Bernie was honest with herself.

Chapter 5 : Stressful Times

Things calmed down a bit for a few days, and Bernie and Serena settled into the daily routine of working together. There had been a few raised eyebrows from both ladies, but nothing that could be termed as conflict, and the rest of the AAU team began to adapt to having two bosses. They still tended to approach Serena first about queries over patient care and Bernie was willing to overlook that for the time being, as she understood that their allegiance would inevitably favour her co-lead. But that didn’t mean that she would stay back if she thought that she knew better, especially in trauma cases. The rest of the week unfolded with no further news about Jason Haynes. And by the time Friday arrived, the day of Serena’s _‘_date’ with Robbie, they were both feeling a little twitchy but for very different reasons.

Bernie was managing her attraction to her colleague quite well she thought, and accepted without question that Serena was a ‘dyed in the wool’ heterosexual. What she had failed to anticipate was that whenever men paid her a lot of attention or when she spotted Serena flirting with all and sundry, the stab of jealousy she felt was as sharp as any knife. She still kept up her mask of indifference but her ability to control her internal feelings sometimes led to the unflappable Ms Wolfe becoming a little tetchy. On this particular morning Dr Digby was already in trouble for not having spotted that Mr Palmer in Bed 8 was flushed and in more pain than yesterday because some agency nurse had forgotten to report that the surgery site was slightly inflamed when she changed his dressing. Morven was in the staff room moaning to Fletch about it when Serena walked in.

“What appears to be the problem?” Serena asked, as her entrance had coincided with Morven saying that she was sick of being picked on by Ms Wolfe.

“Oh, erm, nothing really,” Morven replied, panicking. “I’m just being silly.”

Serena raised an eyebrow but said nothing further and waited for the young doctor to leave before turning her unwavering gaze onto Nurse Fletcher.

“Well?”

Fletcher sighed, knowing that he wasn’t going to be leaving the room until he’d given Serena an explanation.

“It’s like Morven said, it’s nothing to make a fuss about. Major Wolfe pulled her up over something that she should have noticed, however it was more the way she did it. She made her go over to Mr Palmer and apologise and was very snippy about it too. Not her usual style at all in my opinion.”

Serena kept herself very non-committal in her reply, telling Fletch that she would speak with Bernie but that Morven needed to develop a tougher skinl if she wanted to progress past junior doctor status. Especially when she'd made a mistake.

It was nearly an hour later before they were both in the office taking a ten minute break. Serena cleared her throat and looked across the desk as Bernie raised her head from her phone.

“I gather that you had to have a few words with Dr Digby this morning. She seemed a little upset about it when I bumped into her earlier.”

Bernie sniffed disdainfully.

“So she came running to you to complain did she? She needed pulling up on something she’d missed, so I pointed out her error. Something I’m sure you would have done in the circumstances.”

Bernie felt irritated that she was being criticised for doing what was part of her job, and didn’t appreciate that Serena appeared to be siding with Morven. Serena felt the hackles rise on the back of her neck as she heard the sarcastic tone in Bernie’s voice and her eyes flashed with anger.

“She did not ‘come running to me’, I wormed it out of Nurse Fletcher after I overheard a conversation. But from what I was told I was surprised she didn’t. Do you really think the way to get the best out of a young doctor is to humiliate them?”

“It’s the way you and I learnt,” retorted Bernie, “and it never did us any harm.”

Serena gave an exasperated sigh.

“Maybe we were the exceptions. How many doctors that you trained with never even got to graduate, or who gave up the fight in their first year of working in a hospital? I know some of them probably weren’t good enough, but you do understand I hope, that some, like Dr Digby need a little nurturing. She’s a good doctor and she could be a _very_ good one if she’s given half a chance. What she doesn’t need her superior belittling her in front of a patient, making her feel like something you’ve just found on the sole of your shoe. It might have worked in the army, but I won’t have it happening on _my _ward.”

And there it was, just as Bernie had suspected, Serena’s admission that in her mind AAU was still hers. She grabbed a packet of cigarettes and lighter out of her desk drawer and stormed out of the office and the ward.

Serena put her head into her hands and groaned in frustration and annoyance. She wasn’t sorry for what she had said, well except the ‘_my ward_’ bit, that had slipped out unintentionally, but she was regretting the way she had expressed herself. She was also surprised at Bernie’s attitude, she’d never struck her as being unhelpful or uncaring when it came to junior doctors.

‘_She seems to be as jittery as I am today,’ _she mused. ‘_Perhaps she’s got something on her mind like I have, thinking of my dinner with Robbie.’_

Fletch poked his head around the door, looking a bit sheepish.

“Everything okay? Ms Wolfe just flew through the doors and didn’t say where she was going, and well..there did seem to be a few heated words going on in here.”

Serena gave him a stern look.

“Nothing for you to concern yourself about, thank you. And Fletcher? I do not expect to hear any gossip around the hospital about two consultants having words…do I make myself clear?”

Fletch nodded and made a swift exit, thankful to escape with all his body parts intact.

“Looks like the honeymoon period is over,” he muttered to himself as he returned to the nurses station.

When Bernie hadn’t returned after thirty minutes, Serena began to fret slightly. Annoyed as Bernie had been, abandoning her post was not the sort of behaviour that Serena would have thought her capable of. Taking advantage of a quiet morning she decided to slip up to see Sacha to find out if this was a habit of Bernie’s that he had witnessed. When she arrived on Keller she found out that he was in theatre, so was about to leave when she caught sight of Dominic Copeland, whom she recalled had been Bernie’s mentee. Commandeering the office, she ushered him inside and proceeded to ask questions about how he had got on with Ms Wolfe especially as a mentor. He was a bit uncomfortable talking about her to Ms Campbell, but in her role as deputy CEO knew that he couldn’t refuse to answer.

“Ms Wolfe is a hard taskmaster,” he said with a wry smile, “but she’s very fair and she gives praise where praise is due. Although she never says much. More likely to be done with a small smile or a gentle pat on the shoulder or arm.”

“Has she ever bawled you out in front of anyone?”

Dr Copeland looked shocked.

“God no!” he said emphatically. “I mean, she’s looked angry or displeased occasionally, but always took me away from the ward to have a word. She’s a bit scary but I guess that’s because she has high standards. If she’s really mad with anyone she normally takes herself up to the roof to calm down before she deals with it.”

Serena nodded thoughtfully.

“Thank you Dr Copeland, you’ve been very helpful.”

Serena popped back to AAU to check that things were still under control, and that Bernie still hadn’t returned, before she headed for the stairs that led to the roof. She knew a number of staff chose to go up there on their breaks, mainly to have a smoke, and she was keeping her fingers crossed that if Bernie was up there she would be alone.

Bernie was looking out over the hospital grounds when she heard the door to her sanctuary open, and felt a little peeved at being disturbed, but turning her head she was surprised to see Serena walking towards her. Expecting some sort of tirade to issue forth from Serena’s mouth she leapt right in with an apology.

“I’m sorry.”

Serena expelled a breath she hadn’t realised she had been holding at those two words, and relief washed over her.

“Me too, I never meant to imply that AAU isn’t your ward as much as mine. I think we’re both a bit on edge today. Beginning to wish I could wriggle out of this evening with Robbie. Ever since you mentioned he might be viewing it in a different light to me, I’ve been vaguely worried.”

Bernie felt a lightening of the band around her chest as she heard Serena admit she’s wasn’t exactly overjoyed to be spending time with her ex boyfriend, but tried hard not to show on her face what comfort those words had brought.

“The thing is, he indicated he had some information for me, and I really need to know what it is. I think he’s probably known something for a couple of days but has withheld it so that I don’t cancel on him…which I wouldn’t, but you know, makes me feel perhaps I should be careful what I drink tonight.”

Bernie’s breathing hitched at what Serena seemed to be implying and her eyes widened with concern.

“Do you mean that he might try something, if he thinks you’re drunk enough?”

Her hands tightened on the rail she was still grasping, but she kept her eyes fixed on Serena.

“Oh, god, no.._no,_ I don’t believe that at all, it’s just that…” Serena found herself blushing as she continued, “well, _my _judgement isn’t always as good as it should be when I’m..tipsy.”

Bernie felt her jealousy build again and she had to swallow back a sharp retort. She turned her head away to look over the rail and tried to remind herself that she had no right to advise Serena to be careful.

Serena saw the tension in Bernie and took another step towards her, gently placing her hand over Bernie’s, which was now gripping the rail so tightly her fingers were nearly white.

“Look, don’t worry, I’m not going to do anything to make him think that I want us to get back together. I’m done with falling haphazardly into bed with someone just because I want to feel desirable or safe in their arms.”

She couldn’t quite understand why Bernie seemed so upset or worried over her but was anxious to put her mind at rest. She assumed, given her behaviour earlier, that there was something else going on in her life at the moment that was causing her distress. Bernie was doing her best to keep her breathing normal, as she felt Serena’s thumb stroking softly across the back of her wrist, wanting to say something to reassure her, but was worried her voice might wobble if she did. Serena was watching her closely.

“I’m due to finish in an hour, but if you need to be somewhere else, or just want to take a walk I can stay longer.”

Bernie took a deep breath and pushed herself away from the railings, making her face relax into a smile before she looked at Serena.

“It’s fine, I’m fine. Didn’t sleep too well last night if I’m honest, but I’ve managed on a lot less before this. I think I’m still adjusting to the change of pace on AAU as well. Sorry to have worried you…and thank you for checking up on me.” She gave a little grimace. “I’m not used to anyone doing that… but right now I believe I need to go and make an apology to Dr Digby.”

With a brief nod and another fleeting smile Bernie exited the roof, leaving Serena pondering over her behaviour. There was no way that Bernie would be stressed by life on AAU, even though it was in stark contrast to the more sedate working day on Keller. The woman had spent most of her life operating in war zones for goodness sake, so she knew that Bernie was hiding something and she could only hope in time, that she would trust her enough to share whatever was troubling her.

At 2.00pm, Serena gathered her stuff together ready to leave for the day. When she had returned to the ward she had been relieved to see Morven smiling again and Bernie chatting to Fletch at the nurses station with no sign of the tension she had witnessed on the roof. As she waited for the lift Bernie ran over, reaching her just as the lift door opened.

“Serena, I really am sorry about today. It won’t happen again, I promise. I…I hope that you enjoy your evening, and that you get the news you’re wanting..about Jason.”

Serena shrugged her shoulders.

“I’m not sure what I want to hear if I’m honest. But regardless, I won’t do anything foolish, so don’t worry. Actually, as I’m planning on being home no later than 10.30pm, would it be okay if I texted you then? That way you’ll know I’m safe and _alone_, and there is a chance I might need someone to offload to, if you think you can cope with a possible emotional wreck on the end of the line.”

Bernie nodded as the lift doors closed and she turned on her heel to go back onto the ward, her eyes shining brightly at the thought that Serena would choose her to confide in.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

It was 10.50pm and Bernie had been staring at the article in the Lancet for over half an hour without taking a word of it into her brain, her hand wrapped around her phone in readiness, just in case Serena did contact her. Which she knew was utterly juvenile, because in spite of what Serena had said before about not hooking up with Robbie again, she was a grown woman and a free agent, so why shouldn’t she spend the night with him, if that’s what she wanted. When the phone buzzed and the wolf whistle blared out she nearly dropped it her haste to read the text.

‘**Hi. It’s me. Are you awake? Enough to talk for a bit?**’

Bernie was about text back when she thought ‘_sod it’ _and simply rang Serena instead. There was only a couple of rings before she heard Serena’s breathy “Hello?”

“Hi, I just thought this was the quickest way to let you know I’m still awake.” She glanced at her iPad lying discarded on the bed beside her. “ I’ve been trying to take in the article on ‘Alcohol use Disorders’ from the Lancet in the hope it might make me sleepy, but it hasn’t worked. Just made me want a good malt whisky.”

She rolled her eyes at herself.

“Sorry, did you want to talk? You okay?”

There was a sigh and Bernie could hear a tremor in Serena’s voice as she answered.

“I guess. Just a bit..you know. Look, I’m next in line for a taxi, can I ring you when I get back?”

“Why are you waiting for a taxi? Didn’t Robbie offer to take you home, I don’t understand.”

There was another sigh.

“Yes, yes of course he did, I just wanted to have time to think and…you were right, he was obviously hoping that we might re-kindle our relationship…. but he didn’t get heavy about it. I simply thought it best to go our separate ways after the meal so he was aware of where I stood. Easier than having words at my front door. So, do you mind if I ring you back when I’m home or shall I wait until tomorrow?”

Bernie didn’t think at all as she blurted out her reply.

“Come here. Tell the driver to bring you here. It’ll be easier to talk face to face, and I can drive you back when you’re ready.”

There was silence and Bernie wondered if either of their phones had lost connection.

“Serena?”

“Sorry, just climbing into the taxi….um..where is here? He’s waiting for an address.”

Bernie told Serena to pass her phone to the driver and she told him where he was headed. When he passed it back to Serena she suddenly had a moment of doubt.

“Sorry, I hope that was okay, we don’t live that far away from each other and I just thought…”

“It’s fine. Just give me the details as well so I know where I’m headed after I get out. I’ll see you shortly.”

Bernie was pacing up and down in her flat, waiting for the buzzer to go so she could let Serena in as soon as she arrived. For the first time since she had moved there she was cursing that the view from her windows didn’t overlook the main road so that she could look out for the taxi. She jumped when she heard a knock on her front door and in less than five seconds she was opening it to reveal Serena, looking tense.

“How did..” Bernie started but Serena put up her hand to cut her off as she walked inside.

“The usual..I arrived just as someone was leaving and they held the door open for me.”

Bernie took Serena’s coat and hung it up, pointing to the door in front of her for Serena to go on through.

“Makes me mad when people do that, we pay extra for a security system that only works if everyone follows the rules…”

Bernie followed her into the lounge but stopped speaking as she saw Serena still standing in front of a chair looking lost.

“Sorry, ignore me, it’s a sore point. Sit down. Would you like a drink? Tea, hot chocolate or..something stronger?”

Serena still hadn’t moved and Bernie went and stood next to her and was horrified to realise she was trembling. Scared she might collapse she put her hands onto Serena’s shoulders and gently pushed her down onto a chair. She grabbed a footstool and sat beside her, waiting to see if she would speak. After a few moments Serena seemed to gather herself and she looked down at Bernie.

“Why did you tell me to come here? And why are you sitting on that? I feel like you’re a child waiting for me to tell you a story.”

Bernie gave a huff and a small smile as she pushed the stool away and sat on the sofa opposite.

“Okay, first things first. I asked if you would come here because…. well..you sounded so shaky when I spoke to you and I didn’t like to think of you being on your own. Did you, I mean..was it bad news about..?”

Serena put her hand to her throat.

“Jason? No, not bad news exactly, just..unexpected and possibly difficult..for me I mean. Robbie said that if I’d left it any longer there might have been problems tracking him down. He is an only child, and as far as they can tell he has no contact with his father. Apparently there is no name on his birth certificate, although that’s not conclusive.”

She stopped for a moment to take a ragged breath and Bernie wanted nothing more than to go and take hold of one of her hands, but resisted.

“I don’t suppose I could change my mind about a drink could I?”

Bernie shot up from the sofa.

“Of course..what’s it to be?”

“Just a glass of water…well, and perhaps a small wine if you have some.”

Bernie went into her small kitchen, and poured them both some water, and a glass of red for Serena. It wasn’t Shiraz, but was quite decent so she hoped it would get a vote of approval. When she went back into the lounge Serena was leaning back into the chair and had her eyes closed. Bernie carefully put the drinks on a small side table and when Serena didn’t move she took a moment to stare at her, thinking that in spite of her resolve to not let things go past friendship, she still made Bernie’s heart feel as if it was being gently squeezed.

“Serena,” she said softly and was relieved to see her eyes open instantly, she hadn’t wanted to startle her.

Serena pushed herself upright and picked up her water taking a few small sips, before smiling her thanks. Bernie settled herself back down onto the sofa and waited until Serena was ready to continue.

“Right. Well, basically because when his mother died Jason was still only 17 years of age he was assigned a social worker and placed, temporarily, in a unit for young people who have grown up in local authority care. It’s somewhere they try to teach them about managing money, looking for jobs and how to look after themselves when they’re out in the big wide world. Normally once 18, which he is now, they would have helped him find some social housing and after a short transition period he would now be fending for himself. But he’s still there, in this unit because there is an additional…Robbie called it a problem..I prefer to say a concern.”

She looked at Bernie for a second and then continued.

“Something I’m rather hoping you might be able to help me with, if he agrees to meet me. He, Jason, was born profoundly deaf.”

Bernie expelled her breath with a sort of whoosh.

“Wow, erm…that is, as you say something you need to consider carefully. Not that I think you would use that knowledge as a reason not to contact him, just that it will need a lot more forethought if you do. How did they manage to find that out? I mean I know it was the police inquiring but unless it was pertinent to something they were investigating, surely no one would divulge that sort of information?”

Serena nodded.

“I asked Robbie the same thing and he explained that once they found out he’d been assigned a social worker they got in touch with him, to explain that they thought they might have located a living relative. So this man thought it was only fair to explain Jason’s situation and asked that initially I speak directly with him.”

She patted her handbag.

“I’ve got the details here of his carer, a chap called Alan Jones. I also know where Jason is living but have promised not to contact him direct. I’m thinking that Alan is someone trained to work with the deaf community, presumably because he can sign. Is... is that something you decided to learn, with Charlotte?”

Bernie shrugged her shoulders.

“Well, a little bit. We both attended sign language classes together as soon as she realised that her hearing loss was permanent and it was thought that it might help her integrate more with the deaf community. And then we used to visit the local Deaf Cultural Centre for coffee and chats, and to learn about the help she could access. They were great when she decided to return to university, putting her in touch with support groups there.”

Serena picked up her wine and drank it down in one go, then crossed the space to sit next to Bernie on the sofa.

“It almost feels like kismet that you arrived in my life at just this time. Would you, I mean…will you help me to navigate this…if I decide to take it further?”

“Of course I will,” Bernie assured her. “Whenever you need.”

Serena leant her head briefly against Bernie’s shoulder and yawned.

“Okay, time for me to head home I think. I’ll just call for a cab and hope they don’t take too long.”

Bernie stood up.

“Don’t worry about that, give me a few minutes to change and I’ll drive you back.”

Serena gave Bernie a puzzled look before taking in that what she had thought was a t-shirt and lounge pants were in fact pyjamas.

“Oh my god Bernie, I was so wrapped up in my thoughts I never noticed that you were ready for bed.” She slapped the palm of her hand against her forehead. “You were _in_ bed when I texted weren’t you? I’m sorry. Oh lord are you working tomorrow?”

“I’m on call from 7.00am, but it’s fine, it won’t take long. And besides, your chances of getting a taxi in under an hour at..12.30am are highly unlikely.”

Serena set her mouth into a thin line.

“Then I’ll walk. You said yourself that it’s not that far.”

Bernie looked sceptically at Serena’s heels and raised an eyebrow, causing a frustrated sigh from her friend.

“Well surely you have a pair of trainers I could borrow. We can’t be that much difference in shoe size, we’re virtually the same height. I’m _not _letting you drive me home and that’s that. I’ll order a taxi and you can go back to bed and I’ll let myself out when they arrive.”

She pulled out her phone and opened the cab company app, only for Bernie to put her hand over the screen. There was a small hesitation before she spoke.

“Stay here for the night. If I don’t get called in I’ll drop you home in the morning. Or you can order a cab then. I’ve got a single camp bed in the corner of the hall that I keep in case Cameron or Charlotte want to stay over. I can set it up in here, it won’t take a moment.”

Serena was about to protest but she was tired and stressed and when she looked at Bernie, she could see how much Bernie seemed to want to help. She nodded in agreement and within ten minutes the bed was ready to climb into. Bernie had found an old RAMC t-shirt many sizes too big for herself, for Serena to use as a makeshift nightie if she wished, and while Bernie went to make them both a hot water bottle, Serena slipped into the bathroom to change. When Bernie returned she was already in bed ready to lie down.

“If you need a drink help yourself, and well, to anything you want. If I get paged I’ll try not to wake you and if I do then perhaps we can talk more later on or on Sunday maybe.”

She was crouching by the side of Serena and as she said goodnight she felt Serena’s hand grasp her shoulder close to her neck pulling her close and Bernie felt Serena's lips pressed briefly to her cheek as a whispered “thank you” echoed in her ear.

Blushing slightly Bernie pulled gently away before her feelings got the better of her and she did something she might regret. Smiling softly at Serena she walked into her bedroom and flung herself onto the bed.

‘_Bloody hell,’ _she thought, feeling her heart hammering in her chest. _‘I hope she gets a better sleep than I’m going to.’_


	6. Jason

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Serena finally meets her nephew.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for missing a week. By way of compensation, a slightly longer chapter that is a day early. :-)

Chapter 6 : Jason.

As luck would have it, Bernie was paged at 6.30am and when she rang in, Fletcher explained that there were reports coming in of a helicopter crash, with two of the worst injured being brought to Holby, specifically because of her trauma skills. She was showered and dressed in 15 mins, only stopping briefly to look in on Serena first. She was sleeping and Bernie took a couple of moments to gaze at her strong beautiful face when there was no chance of being caught staring by her or anyone. Shaking her head to clear her mind, she quickly left a note on the table next to Serena explaining she had been called in, and it was unlikely she’d get away before the afternoon, even if surgery went well. Repeated what she had said last night about helping herself to anything she wanted and that she would be in touch later. Her hand hovered over Serena’s head as she fought the urge to stroke her hair, and then turning quickly on her heel she grabbed her keys and bag and left for the hospital, closing the door as quietly as she could.

It was nearly 90 minutes later when Serena roused up, confused by the fact that the sunlight streaming into the room seemed to be coming from the wrong direction. She blinked a few times as the memory of staying over at Bernie’s came flooding back, along with all the information she had learnt about Jason, crowding her mind. She sighed and pushed herself upright, listening intently for any sound of Bernie moving around. She didn’t really want to bump into her as she headed to the bathroom clad only in a t-shirt (which was a little on the short side for her) and a pair of lacy knickers. They might both be doctors and very used to seeing the human body in all states of undress, but she was nowhere near as confident about her own body when clad only in underwear, especially as Bernie seemed to devoid of extra lumps and bumps, just curves in all the right places. She noticed the scrap of paper on the table, and squinted at the handwriting that she instantly recognised as Bernie’s rather spidery scrawl. She frowned at the news that her trauma skills were required and realised (not for the first time) how lucky the hospital, and her patients, were to have someone of her calibre on the staff. So with no fear of meeting her colleague she headed straight to the bathroom, and within half an hour she was sitting at a small table drinking a strong coffee and devouring a slice of toast. She had booked a cab for 9.30am to take her home, intending to fold up the camp bed, and do the spot of washing up that there was, before she left. She anticipated that Bernie would be exhausted when she finally got back and didn’t want her overnight presence to cause her anymore work. But after all that she found she had nearly fifteen minutes to wait before the taxi would arrive, so passed the time looking more closely at the photographs that were dotted around the room. There was a family one of Bernie and Marcus with Cameron and Charlotte, who looked to be around 8 and 10 years of age, and then another more recent shot of just the two children. Cam had dark swarthy features and his stature was reminiscent of Marcus, so that he and his younger sister were virtually the same height. Charlotte definitely had her mother’s build, tall, slight (but still shapely), and the small shy smile on her lips was very similar to Bernie’s. There was a picture of Bernie in her camouflage gear, obviously in the desert, (Afghanistan she assumed) standing in front of a tank with four other soldiers. Serena's eyes focused particularly on the only other woman who was standing next to Bernie. She was young and slim, short dark hair with laughter in her eyes and on her lips, her head inclined towards Bernie’s shoulder and Serena sighed.

‘_That must be Alex,’ _she thought, even though there was no indication on Bernie’s face that this person meant anything to her. It was rather more telling, that the other 3 people in the photo were smiling, their arms around each other’s shoulders, whereas Bernie was standing just slightly apart, her body ramrod straight, as if she was scared of relaxing in case she betrayed any of the feeling she had for the brunette at her side.

Serena was startled out of her reverie by a text alert on her phone announcing the arrival of her taxi, and she quickly gathered up her belongings before leaving the flat, her subconscious thankful for the distraction that stopped her questioning the pang she had felt on seeing Bernie’s former lover. Whilst in the taxi, Serena sent a brief message to Bernie, thanking her for her hospitality the previous evening, and hoped that her summons to Holby had resulted in a positive outcome for all concerned, promising to ring later that evening.

Bernie finally returned home just after 5.00pm, glad in the knowledge that she had been removed from the on call rota for the rest of the weekend. The day had been a hard one, both patients surviving the surgery, but one of them later arrested in ITU and despite the efforts of the crash team he had died, his heart unable to cope with the massive shock to his system that the accident had caused. She was weary, and really only fit for collapsing into bed, but acknowledged with a wry smile that her co-lead would have plenty to say if she knew that the most she had consumed all day was a tuna sandwich and half a bar of chocolate, washed down with copious amounts of coffee and water. She managed to rustle up a plate of baked beans on toast with a couple of grilled bacon rashers on the top, and a rather stale flapjack for desert. She poured herself a glass of cold beer and settled onto her sofa to watch the latest series of The Crown, with the rather delectable (in her opinion) Olivia Colman playing the Queen. She awoke nearly an hour and a half later to the trilling of her phone, and blinking furiously she reached out to answer it, her voice sounding strange to her own ears.

“Hello?”she rasped, and then coughed slightly trying to work out what time it was, her eyes still unable to focus.

“Bernie? Oh god, I’m sorry, were you asleep? I’m an idiot, of course you were, you must have been up at the crack of dawn. Good god I sometimes wonder where my brain goes when I’m not at work. Are you okay? I mean, don’t bother answering I’ll ring you in the morning if that’s alright?”

Bernie had listened with a growing smile on her face to Serena’s ramblings, and when she took in that she was about to hang up she almost shouted down the phone to stop her.

“Serena…Serena! It’s fine, I’d just dozed off in front of the TV…um, what time is it?”

“Oh, about half nine. Are you sure you want to talk? I don’t really have anything to say, I just wanted to know you were back home and…that you’re okay.”

Serena felt a little foolish now. She sounded like a mom checking up on a teenage daughter rather than a fully grown woman who was infinitely more capable than herself at coping with emergencies. But Bernie’s voice was warm when she assured her she was fine, in spite of knowing that only one of her patients had survived, and Serena relaxed as she listened to Bernie’s melodious tone describe her day. She suddenly realised that Bernie had stopped speaking and tried to recall whether she had been asked a question.

“Serena? Have you had any further thoughts about contacting Jason?”

“Ah…well, yes and no. I mean yes, I do want to meet him but have decided it’s best to speak with Alan to see if he thinks that it would be what Jason would want. He’s agreed to meet tomorrow for a coffee and a chat, and then I’ll take it from there.”

“That’s good. I understand your trepidation but I think you’d only regret it if you didn’t give Jason a chance. And I’m sure his life will only get richer by meeting you.”

Bernie’s voice wavered slightly as she realised that she definitely felt that way about having Serena in _her_ life. Serena felt a warmth suffuse her chest at Bernie’s words and she audibly sighed.

“I hope you’re right. Anyway, what plans do you have for tomorrow?”

Bernie explained about being removed from on-call duty for the rest of the weekend, and had decided to take advantage of it by travelling to Birmingham to spend the day with her daughter, just to satisfy herself that things were going okay, and to treat her to a decent meal somewhere. Maybe even one of the five Michelin starred restaurants they have. Serena commented that she would certainly have been impressed and thankful if her mom had done the same for her.

“I shall have to try and speak to Elinor tomorrow too. I don’t think I can leave it any longer to tell her she has a cousin. The last thing I’d want is for her to feel I haven’t kept her in the loop.”

They spent another few minutes chatting until Serena heard Bernie try to stifle a yawn, at which point she said goodnight. She headed up to bed smiling to herself at the ease she found in talking with Bernie, and how reassuring it felt to know that someone was interested in her life.

Waking up the next morning she felt butterflies already gathering in her stomach at the prospect of meeting Alan, anxious at what he would have to say and worried that at the end of their meeting he would be advising a social worker that it wouldn’t be in Jason’s interests to be told about her. Stupid she knew, but when she arrived at the arranged café, she had to summon up every bit of courage she had to walk through the door.

As it often turns out the thought of their meeting was nowhere near as traumatic as she had feared. Alan was a friendly chap who did his best to put her at ease. He told her that he wasn’t there to find any reason to stop her meeting her nephew, he just felt that she should understand a little more about his background.

“So you won’t be reporting back to anyone regarding my…suitability?”

Alan chuckled.

“I’m not sure quite what power you think I wield Ms Campbell, but I can assure you that very little I have to say will have any bearing on whether or not you see Jason. He’s an adult and is already aware of his relationship to you. He’s told me in no uncertain terms that you’re all the family he has now, and there is no way that I could, or would want to prevent you both meeting. I managed to convince him that this was for your benefit, not his and that I needed to prepare you for the stroppy teenager he can be.”

Serena rolled her eyes.

“God spare me another..I already have one of those, although in fact she’s just come out of her teens. Not that I can tell by her behaviour you understand, still treats my home as a hotel, when she deigns to visit.”

Alan explains that Jason is bright, funny but can be difficult to handle.

“It’s not because he’s out to cause trouble,” he clarified. “He’s not bothered by being deaf, he’s never known any different, but he does get frustrated when the people he has to deal with don’t appear to try and understand. He was rather sheltered by his mother, Marjorie, she used to educate him at home in his primary years but the shock of being thrown into the secondary school environment was just that..a shock. Caused him to go a little off the rails for a while in an attempt to fit in, but he got his act together and has come away with some pretty good A level results, but he’s floundering a bit again now.”

Alan went on to say that his best friends had all gone off to university, but that Jason wasn’t sure if it was for him, so had decided to take a year out to try and discover exactly what he wants to be aiming for.

They chatted for another hour, and then Alan explained he had to go act as a translator for a young deaf girl who was attending an interview at the local shopping mall. He promised to give her a ring by the end of the day to suggest a time and place when she and Jason could meet. Serena found herself telling all of this later to Bernie, over the phone.

“He told me about how many things I may have to do, so that my head is reeling. I mean, I _know_ that I won’t need to put any in place before I see him…and who knows, he may decide that one meeting is enough. But…”

Bernie interrupted.

“But you just want it to be perfect?”

Serena nodded, even though Bernie couldn’t see her.

“Yes..stupid I know. I somehow feel as if all this…separation from a family I didn’t even know I had is my fault. No, not my fault..but my responsibility, now that my mother isn’t around to answer the questions he’s bound to have. I feel .. lost, scared..”

Serena took a deep shuddering breath and did her best not to make their conversation just about her.

“Anyway, did you get to meet up with Charlotte? How is she coping?”

“Pretty well I think. I met a couple of her friends and she showed me around the campus..which is huge, and we went for a meal and… oh, I hated saying goodbye when it was time to go. She amazes me, she’s so strong in a quiet unassuming way, but I know it can’t be easy and..she’ll always be my baby girl.”

Bernie’s swallowed the lump in her throat, but Serena heard it anyway.

“Hey, she’s simply following her mother’s example you know.” Serena’s voice was soft. “You are exactly the same. You’re brave, and a fantastic surgeon who meets life head on and doesn’t let anything stop you from doing what you need to do.”

Bernie could feel herself getting tearful so she tried to turn the conversation back to Serena.

“So, has Alan rung you to settle on a day for meeting Jason?”

“This Wednesday. I’m on an early shift, finishing at 12.00, hopefully. There’s a small café near to the cemetery where Marjorie is buried, and apparently he goes to leave fresh flowers at least once a month. So I have told them I should be there about 2.00pm. and I’ve promised to let Alan know if I’m delayed. I’m already feeling both terrified and excited.” She paused for a moment. “I wish… it would be good to have someone else there, with me,” she said wistfully, “someone like you.”

“I do understand your nervousness, but honestly, I think you’ll be fine. And even if I could go, I’m sure Jason will be jumpy enough about meeting _you_, without having to face me as well.”

They chatted for a few more minutes before hanging up, and as Serena settled down for the night, she thought, not for the first time, how lucky she was to have found a friend like Bernie at this point in her life.

The couple of days leading up to Wednesday passed fairly uneventfully, but were busy enough to stop Serena from dwelling too much on the forthcoming encounter. She and Bernie seemed to pass like ships in the night, with one of them going into surgery as the other one was coming out, with her deputy CEO duties seeming to be pulling her in yet another direction. So on Wednesday morning she was definitely keeping her fingers crossed that nothing untoward would occur over the next few hours. She had been in work for about two hours, sitting in her office ploughing through the paperwork in an effort to occupy her mind until she finished, when the door opened and Bernie walked in.

“What are you doing here?” Serena asked with a frown on her face. “You aren’t due in for another two hours at least.” Her face fell.

“Oh, don’t tell me there’s a been a trauma call that I’ve missed.” She scrambled for her phone in her bag, cursing that she hadn’t put it on her desk as usual. “Bloody typical!”

“No, Serena, no.”

Bernie moved swiftly and perched on the side of the desk next to Serena, putting her hand onto her arm to try and calm her down.

“It’s fine, as far as I know. I simply thought I’d come in early to cover every eventuality, so that you wouldn’t panic… about being able to leave on time.”

She pulled a face and stared at the ceiling for a second.

“When in fact I’ve just caused the very situation I was trying to avoid. Sorry.”

Serena rolled her eyes and smiled.

“No harm done, and it’s very sweet of you to try to help.”

Her eyes drifted down to where Bernie’s hand was still resting on her arm, and she gently covered it with her own, squeezing her fingers lightly before letting go.

“Whatever have done to deserve you?”

Their eyes met briefly and Bernie felt herself blush as she stood up to move round to her own seat..

“It’s what anyone would do if they were aware of your situation,” she murmured.

Sensing, but not quite understanding, Bernie’s embarrassment, Serena laughed.

“Well, you’d like to think so wouldn’t you? But can you honestly imagine Jac Naylor giving up any of her hard earned time off?”

They both laughed at that and the slight tension dissipated as quickly as it had arrived.

“Anyway,” continued Bernie, “if you want to make your escape a little earlier than planned, I’m here.”

Serena stood up and gathered some files into her arms.

“I’ll just take these up to Hanssen, he wanted me to cast an eye over some funding proposals before the end of my shift, and then, well, if you’re sure, I will take advantage of your offer. I’ll catch you before I go, okay?”

Bernie nodded but couldn’t quite meet Serena’s eyes and instead gave a smile in her direction, even if her eyes were focussed somewhere to the left of her computer. As Serena left the office Bernie exhaled slowly, trying to calm herself, her hand still feeling the pressure of Serena’s fingers.

‘_Crisis averted,’ _she thought. ‘_God, if this doesn’t feel as traumatic as any front line I’ve been on.’_

As luck would have it, by the time Serena returned from meeting with Hanssen, Bernie was in theatre performing an emergency appendectomy. She scribbled a hasty note, promising to ring Bernie later to let her know how things had gone and thanking her once again for looking out for her. As she walked to her car she was struck by how unusual it felt, to have someone who seemed to really care about her life outside of the hospital, and the feeling of gratitude spread a warmth throughout her chest.

At 2.00pm Serena was already sitting in the small café, had been for nearly thirty minutes, her anxiety building with every passing second. She had a coffee in front of her that she had only taken a few sips from and was now cold. Just as she thought the tension in her body couldn’t get any higher the door opened and in walked Alan, followed by a very handsome young man who wore the most beaming smile she thought she had ever seen. Standing quickly as they approached her table she shook hands with Alan and turned to do the same with Jason, and was completely caught off balance as she found herself enveloped in a crushing hug. As he let go Serena stumbled forward catching the edge of the table to stop herself from falling, and the startled look in her eyes made the smile on his face disappear. He stepped back and rubbed his hand in a circular motion over his chest as he sat down. As Serena moved to do the same, Alan spoke to her, signing at the same time so that Jason could understand what was being said.

“Jason is sorry,” he repeated the motion that Jason had done after the hug, “I should have warned you that deaf people are much more demonstrative than many other people you meet, and physical contact is very important to them.”

He turned to Jason with a smile.

“I think you might have realised just how pleased he is to meet you.”

Jason nodded enthusiastically and Serena’s heart warmed to him immediately. She remembered what Bernie had told her, that looking directly at the person you are addressing rather than the interpreter, was very important, so she made sure to keep eye contact as she stretched out her hand to touch his arm.

“I am very, very pleased to meet you too.”

The ice now well and truly broken, with a few hesitations on both sides, a sort of dialogue ensued. Serena couldn’t deny that she found it distracting that everything she was saying was having to be translated into what was essentially another language, and it felt odd to describe how she came to find out about his existence, with a third person. But she plowed on, slowing her speech from time to time to try and accommodate the signs being relayed to Jason, and endeavoured to keep her attention focused on him as he asked questions of her. She became fascinated by the faces he made whilst signing, so much so she occasionally lost track of the conversation, but she gradually began to get a sense of the different shapes he was making with both his hands and face that made her realise how complex the language actually was. She didn’t understand most of it, but there were one or two gestures that were repeated several times that she was able to recognise and take a guess at. But after about 40 minutes she was lagging slightly with the effort of it all, and turning to Alan she asked if they could take a break. Alan nodded his agreement, and turned to explain to Jason and was surprised to see a look of impatience cross his features as he gave what could only be a huff of annoyance and a series of signs (without once looking at Serena) before standing up and marching over to the men’s toilet, which he entered and then slammed the door. Serena was astounded and looked at Alan for clarification.

“What’s happened? I seem to have offended him but have no idea why. Do you know what has upset him? God, I feel such an idiot.”

Alan hastened to allay her fears.

“It’s okay, honestly. Firstly you have to remember that he’s still a teenager, prone to sudden outbursts, but he’s not angry. The slamming of doors and banging against chairs or tables makes it sound as if he is but remember, he can’t hear the noise he’s making. His attitude stems from frustration, he has so many questions, and perhaps he’s worried that you don’t want to answer them, or are bored of him already.”

Alan looked at her quizzically.

“Are you? Regretting meeting him?”

Serena eyes widened with shock.

“No, of course not! Up until the last of couple of minutes I’ve thought how bright and engaging he is, it’s just that some of the questions I don’t really have the answers to myself, which is why I wanted a break…time to gather my thoughts. I have spent the morning at work as well, so I’m feeling a little tired.”

When Jason returned he gave a small apologetic smile in Serena’s direction, and Serena sat and waited for Alan to explain why she’d needed a few moments quiet and was rewarded by another ‘sorry’ gesture. She apologised too, and attempted the ‘sorry’ sign which brought another huge grin to Jason’s face. Alan told her that Jason was pleased to see she was a fast learner and she suddenly felt rather emotional again. After another fifteen minutes, Alan put up his hand and suggested that perhaps it might be a good idea to bring this initial meeting to a close as he was beginning to feel quite strained himself…translating was a demanding job and he didn’t want to risk making any mistakes. Jason looked as if he might be about to create another scene and Serena leaned forward and gently placed her hand on his arm, trying to convey that maybe it was for the best, they could meet again very soon. Jason sighed heavily, but nodded as he signed something to Alan and then started to laugh. Alan smiled too and explained to Serena that Jason was setting her some homework. She was to learn the sign language alphabet before they met again, and he had invited her to a meeting at the deaf cultural centre on Sunday afternoon. She accepted, before realising that Alan wouldn’t be able to make it and then panicked, but Alan explained that it was a get together for deaf families, and that there would be plenty of hearing people there, that most deaf babies were born to hearing parents so there would be others to help her out.

“Jason thinks you’ll be fine and you should take comfort in that.” Alan paused for a moment watching what Jason was signing. “He says that it’s great you have such an expressive face because deaf people watch faces very closely. He also said if you learn the alphabet, you could at least spell something out if you’re really stuck.”

Serena smiled at his attempt to calm her down and suddenly found herself enveloped in another bear hug as they left, Alan promising to get in touch soon to talk over things before the weekend. Serena sat back down abruptly at the table, her legs shaking and took a deep breath. The tension of the day had caught up with her and she wasn’t certain there was enough strength left in her to even get her back to her car. She got her phone out, scrolling through the names, feeling as if she needed to take a few minutes to talk to someone. She had told Elinor a little of the story, of her having discovered a sister and nephew that she had never known about, but hadn’t gone into much more detail, not wanting to cause her to coming flying back to Holby. But she had been surprised that the impression she had got was that her daughter didn’t view it as anything that really needed to concern her right now. So trying to speak to her about meeting Jason probably wouldn’t offer her the level of support she wanted, and the chances of her answering her phone anyway were pretty slim. She groaned in frustration as she acknowledged that the only person she really felt that would listen to her was Bernie.

‘_I’m becoming far too reliant on her,’ _she thought. _‘She’ll be sick of the sight and sound of me soon…but if I’m honest there’s no one else I can think of who has an inkling of how difficult this whole mess is.’_

She sighed and put the phone away resolving to get home first and try to take stock of how she was feeling, and then, and _only_ then, would she decide whether or not to burden Bernie with her overactive imagination.

She arrived back at her leafy detached and decided to take a quick shower while some soup she had in the freezer was heating gently on the hob. She was just towelling her hair dry in the en-suite when she heard her phone ringing from the bedroom, and grabbing her towelling robe she dashed to answer it before they rang off. She was both surprised and pleased to see that it was Bernie calling.

“Hi, sorry, I was just out of the shower,” she gasped breathlessly as she struggled to slip her arms into her dressing gown.

Bernie was silent as she pictured Serena stepping out of a steam filled bathroom with the smallest of towels wrapped around her, protecting her modesty….

“Bernie? Bernie are you there?” Serena pulled her phone away from her ear to check they were still connected. She raised her voice. “Bernie!”

Startled out of her inappropriate musings Bernie blushed profusely.

“Serena..yes, I’m here, sorry. I was distracted by an ambulance pulling up outside the ED, blue lights flashing,” she lied.

“Don’t you even think of going back inside,” Serena admonished. “So, to what do I owe the pleasure?”

“Oh yes..well, I was wondering how it had gone and thought you might want to go for a drink? But, I’m guessing if you’ve already showered you’re probably looking for an early night, so don’t worry, I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“No, wait,” Serena almost shouted down the phone. “I mean, yes, I was thinking of just trying to relax but if I’m honest, I did want to talk it over with someone. I can’t offer you much but I do have some soup and a crusty French stick I’d be willing to share with you, if you fancied popping in on your way home?”

“Well, that would be..nice, thank you. Is twenty minutes going to give you enough time to..?”

Bernie words stuck in her throat as she recalled Serena’s state of undress and Serena snorted with laughter thinking that Bernie meant enough time to get glammed up to her usual standards.

“Heavens yes. You’ll be seeing a very different side to me this evening Ms Wolfe, sweatpants and a hoodie is the only dressing I’ll be doing so prepare yourself. See you soon.”

Bernie, still feeling a little dazed, sank into the drivers seat, arms stretched out gripping the steering wheel, eyes unfocused. Before setting off she decided to give her a little more time and went to purchase a bottle of wine first.

When Serena answered the door Bernie was taken aback by the sight of Serena with a face devoid of any make-up and hair that was barely dry, hastily combed into submission, but with none of the styling that she was used to. Once again Bernie’s mouth went dry and her bottom lip dropped leaving her mouth hanging open. A twinkle came into Serena’s eyes as Bernie made no move to step inside the house.

“What’s the matter Major? I hope my real self isn’t too much of a shock, although judging from the look on your face I fear it might be.” She cocked her head to one side. “Are you going to risk entering?”

Bernie felt her face flush and she finally took some steps forward into the hall.

“Yes, of course. And I’m not shocked, I was surprised that’s all. I think you look lovely ‘au naturel’.”

Bernie waved her hand in the direction of her head and was quietly pleased to see Serena’s cheeks turn a little pink at the compliment. She was ushered into the kitchen where Serena dished up two delicious bowls of a hearty vegetable soup with a mound of fresh bread and a butter dish set between them.

“Tuck in,” Serena said, “and then we’ll move into the lounge where we can converse in a little more comfort.”

Over food they discussed Bernie’s day on AAU, and then Serena made them both a cup of tea, deciding to forgo the wine as they were both working tomorrow, and Bernie would be driving home in a short while. Bernie settled onto the sofa and a few minutes later Serena walked in with two mugs and Bernie’s eyes travelled up and down her body with (it has to be said) a significant degree of lust shining from them. Serena squirmed a little as she sat down next to her handing her a mug as she did.

“Look, I know that the impression I give at the hospital is that I step out of bed as immaculately groomed as I am all day, but the fact that I do not, is something I would prefer to keep between us. So please don’t go blabbing at how the first thing I do when I’m home alone is remove my make-up and let these ladies free from their cage.”

To accompany her words, Serena cupped her free hand around one of her breasts and jiggled it slightly, nearly causing Bernie to spit out the mouthful of tea she had just taken. Serena looked at her with ill-disguised scepticism .

“Oh come on, don’t tell me that stripping off your bra isn’t the first thing you do as well?”

When Bernie shook her head, Serena rolled her eyes and chuckled.

“Great, now I’ve revealed my uncouth habits only to find you don’t have any. Which is something I refuse to believe given that you occasionally arrive on the ward looking as if you’ve been dragged through a hedge backwards.”

Bernie tried to look offended, but instead her face broke out into a grin.

“Well, I’ll have you know that this” (and she shook her head) “takes quite a lot of styling. But if you want to redress the balance, if the fact that if I’m in a rush I sometimes don’t wear a bra at all helps …well there you have it.”

It was Serena’s turn to nearly choke.

“You’ve got to be kidding me?" Serena raised an eyebrow in disbelief. "I shall be paying very close attention to your chest in future Ms Wolfe, so you may want to rethink the next time you’re tempted to leave your sling at home.”

She playfully reached out with her hand as if to check right now and Bernie attempted to wriggle out of her way. The tips of Serena’s fingers caught the curve of her breast and the tingle Bernie felt at the touch, resonated throughout her body. Recovering quickly she gave Serena a glare that would have rocked a new squaddie on their heels.

“No cheating Campbell,” she ordered. “And I don’t want to hear tomorrow that Fletch is running a book about it.”

They both laughed at the thought of that and gradually the atmosphere returned to normal. After finishing their tea Serena began to talk, hesitantly at first, about her meeting with Jason. She stressed what a delightful young man he appeared to be, but confessed to Bernie that the thought of being with him, on her own, on Sunday absolutely terrified her.

“It’s not like I haven’t dealt with deaf patients before, I do know the basics of making sure they can see your face especially your mouth at all times. And I know that at work, within those narrow parameters, I could probably make myself understood, up to a point anyway.”

She bought her knees up putting her feet onto the sofa, and curled her arms around them trying to make herself small, and began to rock gently.

“But I’m heading to the deaf centre, on my own. Haven’t even arranged where exactly to meet or what we’ll be doing there. He might want to introduce me to his friends and then they’ll all be signing to one another and I won’t have a clue what’s going on or what they’re saying.”

Serena could feel herself getting emotional when suddenly she felt Bernie’s hand rest between her shoulder blades, and felt her rub in small circular motions that instantly started to calm her. Without thinking she pushed herself towards Bernie and rested her head on her shoulder, forcing Bernie to slide her hand up and onto her shoulder.

“You know,” said Bernie softly, “you do realise that if you need someone to go with, I’d be happy to accompany you.”

Serena’s head shot up, a hopeful look on her face, and Bernie continued.

“It’s scary, believe me I understand that. As long as you understand that I’m no great shakes at this signing. I can do it a lot easier that I can understand it, if that makes sense.”

Serena gave Bernie a watery smile.

“I would appreciate that very much, as long as you’re sure?”

Bernie smiled back.

“I’m sure.”

Serena ducked her head and nestled back against Bernie, feeling quite overwhelmed. The stress of the day started to catch up with her as she relaxed slightly and she felt her body grow heavy and her breathing deepened. Within two minutes Bernie realised that Serena had drifted off to sleep and she gave a quiet sigh. The temptation to rest her cheek against the top of Serena’s head was very strong, as was the desire to press a kiss into her short dark hair, but she managed to steel herself against doing either. No matter how much the attraction to her co-lead grew, she knew that more than anything else she wanted her as a friend. She kept as still as she could, trying to afford her the luxury of some stress free slumber, but found it anything but stress free for herself. Bernie’s hand had slipped from Serena’s shoulder when she had fallen asleep and her right hand was resting just above her waist so that even the slightest shift in their positions meant that a couple of her fingers were pushing against the underside of Serena’s breast. The knowledge that she was braless did nothing for the growing warmth between her thighs and she realised that she needed to shift slightly to relieve the pressure of the seam of her jeans against a very sensitive part of her body. The ensuing wriggling was enough to stir Serena, and as Bernie began to ease herself away from her friend, Serena’s hand reached upwards to stroke along her cheek as she murmured, still half asleep, “darling, don’t go yet..”

Bernie froze, her eyes wide in shock, at the same moment that Serena’s eyes also flew open and she pushed herself instantly upright.

“Oh god, I’m sorry..I…I was dreaming and I thought you were..”

Serena had turned scarlet and she was mortified by her actions and words. Bernie recovered much more quickly.

“Don’t be silly. It was my fault for disturbing you so soon after you’d fallen into a deep sleep. I imagine that the last time you had snuggled up like that had been with Robbie, so it’s understandable that your subconscious imagined I was him." She patted Serena's knee, briefly. "But in fact it’s probably time I was leaving anyway.”

She pushed herself up from the sofa.

“Thanks for the soup, and the company. See you tomorrow?”

Serena nodded and managed a small smile, her embarrassment waning slightly as she saw that Bernie seemed okay. She walked with her to the door and gave a small wave as Bernie climbed into her car. By the time she returned to the sofa her face was flaming once again. She was glad that Bernie had jumped to the wrong conclusion over her words.

‘_Not sure how she would have reacted if she’d realised that it wasn’t Robbie I had been dreaming of, but her.’_


	7. And so the feelings grow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Serena meets Charlotte and Bernie meets Jason.   
And they both realise that this is more than friendship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My apologies for falling even further behind with the posting schedule I had set myself. I'm hoping that the Christmas break will afford me a little more time to catch up, but I have to be honest, I'm not holding my breath.  
Thank you once again for the all kudos, and some absolutely lovely comments.

Chapter 7 : And so the feelings grow

Rather surprisingly Serena slept quite well given her embarrassment, and fortunately there was no reoccurrence of her dream. She was a little apprehensive over seeing her co-lead today but was fairly confident that Bernie was completely satisfied with the explanation that she had readily jumped to, and so with any luck, any further conversation about it wouldn’t be necessary. Serena had even managed to rationalise it in her own head, convincing herself that the only reason she had Bernie in the forefront of her mind was because she was the one supporting her through this family predicament. It was easy to believe that the words she had used were a result of being held in someone’s arms, and of course the last person to do that had been Robbie, so her subconscious had put the phrase into her mind as something she would probably have said to Robbie, in the past.

She knew underneath it all that her brain was trying to make sense of something she really didn't want to address, but quickly pushed aside any thoughts that she might have wanted to call Bernie 'darling'. And however much she knew, deep down, that this was a more plausible explanation, she had enough on her plate at the moment without exploring more unsettling avenues.

Bernie hadn’t slept quite so well. Not because she thought that Serena had been dreaming of her rather than by Robbie, but because there had been a split second when she had nearly acted on her feelings. She was driving herself crazy trying to work out whether she would have kissed her or whether she would have merely gathered her into her arms and murmured ‘okay, I’ll stay’ but either way would have been mortifying to her. Luckily there was one thing that Bernie Wolfe excelled in and that was burying disturbing feelings deep inside, so as she got ready to go to work she too was able to focus on the mundane. She hadn’t done anything untoward and Serena was still none the wiser so today would be like every other day since she had started working on AAU. She arrived at Holby and decided to treat Serena to a coffee and a pain au chocolat as she had on at least one previous occasion, hoping that Serena was in the mood for an indulgent snack. She had spotted her car already in its allotted space, so only bought the one coffee just in case Serena already had one. If she didn’t, then she was prepared to forgo her own caffeine boost until later.

She pushed open the door to their office, where Serena was already working her way through the emails that always seemed to multiply tenfold when she had been absent from her desk for more than an hour. When she looked at the time some of them had been sent she sighed in frustration.

‘_If people are awake at stupid o’clock in the morning, what is the likelihood that any thought they have is going to be in any way coherent’_ she muttered to herself as she deleted yet another missive not worthy of her attention.

So Serena was already feeling grumpy, and when Bernie appeared in the doorway she could feel the tension between them stretch just that little bit tighter. They both looked and felt awkward, in spite of them being able to rationalise their feelings when alone, it was quite another thing when they were face to face.

“Cutting it a bit fine this morning Ms Wolfe?”

Serena had intended her remark to be teasing, but there was a sharpness in her voice that made it sound critical.

Bernie looked momentarily taken aback, but swallowed her annoyance and simply waived the bag containing the pastry in the air.

“The queue was a little longer than I anticipated, but thought you might fancy some carbohydrates, you look as if you’ve been here for a while already.”

And she placed the pain au chocolat next to Serena’s empty cup, a small streak of spite making her decide to keep the coffee for herself. Serena felt a wave of embarrassment flood over her and she cleared her throat hoping that she hadn’t turned too red.

“That’s, er.. very kind of you, and yes..very welcome.” She raised her eyes to look properly at Bernie and smiled gratefully.

“Thank you.”

Bernie smiled back, and in an instant the strain between them disappeared as she sat down into her seat.

“So, what’s the plan for today then?”

The plan was, as they both discovered, to be in and out of theatre for much of the day, most of which was caused by a flood of emergency admissions from the ED, and not from the electives that were already scheduled. The emergencies were mostly handled by Bernie, with Serena taking on the electives, often in a supervisory role over Dr Digby, for as many of them as they could still handle. By the end of the day they were both exhausted and very thankful that nothing prevented them from leaving on time. As they slowly walked back to their cars, Bernie decided to ask Serena if she wanted to go for a drink before heading home, but she shook her head with regret.

“Sounds lovely,” she said, “but I think that I’d have trouble stopping at just one, and I have so much on my mind at the moment, I need to keep it as clear as possible.”

Bernie tilted her head in acknowledgment and gave a small smile, even though she wasn’t certain that was the real reason for her refusal.

“See you tomorrow then.”

She started to move away, and was startled when Serena’s hand shot out and grabbed her arm, pulling her back.

“Another time, perhaps?” Serena said quietly, wanting to know that they were still okay, that she hadn’t upset her.

At Serena’s words, Bernie relaxed and grasped her hand, briefly squeezing it.

“I’ll hold you to that, Campbell,” she said lightly with another more genuine smile. They both turned away from one another to make their own way home, but somehow the bond between them felt fractionally stronger as if neither had really taken leave of the other.

On Saturday morning Bernie was surprised to get a text message from Charlotte, asking if she had time to Skype for a few minutes. She agreed and moments later her laptop screen was filled with the face of her beautiful daughter, and she gave a small wave.

“Hi,” she said, making sure that her face was clear on the screen so that Charlotte could read her lips, but also signing at the same time. “Is everything okay?”

Charlotte nodded.

“Fine thanks, I was just wondering if I could come down and stay at yours tonight to give us chance to spend some time together on Sunday? I, um. also have some washing I could bring with me, if you didn’t mind?”

Charlotte, having been hearing all her life until 2 years ago was confident in using her voice, knowing she spoke clearly even if she could no longer hear herself. But like her mother she used signs automatically now. Bernie laughed loudly at her words and Charlotte felt a pang that she could no longer actually hear that wonderful, startling sound that used to embarrass her when she was younger.

Bernie said that of course it would be fine and that she looked forward to seeing her, but in the next instant she remembered her promise to Serena and her face fell. Charlotte picked up on the change of expression and asked what was wrong. The conversation that followed was not the easiest she had conducted with her daughter, as she didn’t want to give away too much of Serena’s situation without her consent. When she’d explained her promise to a friend to attend a family activity at the deaf centre as support, Charlotte shrugged.

“I don’t really see there needs to be a problem. I’d be quite happy to come with you if you think your friend won’t mind. It’d be good to catch up with one or two people there anyway.”

Bernie hesitatingly agreed, but knew she needed to speak to Serena first, to make sure she didn’t object, so she arranged to pick Charlotte up at 7.30pm that evening and finished the call.

She toyed with the idea of ringing Serena, but felt it would be better to speak face to face so she hurriedly sent her a text.

‘**Hi. Hope you don’t mind but I have something to discuss with you about tomorrow. Could I stop by, or meet you somewhere for a coffee? B**

It was about 15 minutes before Serena responded.

‘**I was heading into town anyway, so how about we meet up at Coffee#1 in about half an hour? I could do with something to eat, and they have wonderful cakes and pastries. S x**

Bernie replied in the affirmative, noting with a small flip of the stomach the kiss after her initial.

When Serena received the text from Bernie, she had been tempted to ask her over, but then thought that the memory and subsequent embarrassment of just a few days ago, didn’t need being brought to mind again, so chose a neutral location. She was a little concerned that Bernie might be about to retract her offer of accompanying her tomorrow and felt that in a public place she was less likely to beg her to change her mind. So it was with a little trepidation that she walked into the coffee shop, not overly surprised to find Bernie wasn’t there already so she took a seat and waited. Ten minutes later Bernie burst through the door, apologising profusely on her way over to the table.

“Sorry, I did mean to be here before this but Charlotte’s coming to stay overnight and I suddenly realised I needed to make a shopping list, as she can be incredibly fussy with what she’ll eat.”

They quickly ordered a couple of cappuccinos with an extra coffee shot and a selection of mini Danish pastries, and when Serena returned to the table with their drinks she could see Bernie’s leg jumping up and down and as she slid back onto her seat she reached out a hand to briefly pat Bernie’s knee.

“I’m not so sure that extra shot was a good idea in your case,” she observed. “Surely a visit from your daughter doesn’t normally get you into such a state?”

Bernie had nearly crashed her knee into the underside of the table at the feel of Serena’s fingers pressing onto her leg, but had contained herself in time. She shrugged her shoulders and gave a rueful little smile.

“Well, no..you’re right. It’s just that..I have something to ask or tell you, about tomorrow.”

Serena’s heart sank. It was as she’d thought, Bernie wanted an out and the arrival of her daughter had given her the perfect excuse. Part of her wondered if she’d even engineered the whole thing so that she could pretend she was still concerned but had a valid reason to excuse herself .

Bernie watched as Serena’s lips set into a thin line and winced internally as she realised that she thought she was letting her down. Bernie leant forwards as she hastened to explain.

“Serena, I’m not saying I can’t come with you, but when I told Charlie what we had planned she asked if you’d mind if she tagged along too. I wanted to check that you’d be alright with that.”

Bernie was still speaking, something about Charlotte being able to catch up with one or two people, but Serena was no longer listening properly. The reassurance of Bernie saying she still intended to be there, overwhelmed her, and her body sagged forward as a gasp of relief escaped her lips. Her hands grasped the edge of the table in an effort to stay upright and she became aware that Bernie was watching her in alarm.

“Serena, are you okay? You’ve gone very pale.”

She managed to nod, and marvelled at the fact that she could reach for one of the pastries without her hand shaking.

“My blood sugar must be a little low, so it’s time to polish off a couple of these I think,” she said trying to sound as lighthearted as she could. “And of course I don’t mind if Charlotte comes as well. You’re coming to give me a much needed confidence boost…. and she is your daughter, so I’m not going to put any conditions onto our arrangement am I? I’m simply grateful you’re still willing to sacrifice some of your time together in support of little old me.”

Bernie could still see some panic in Serena’s eyes in spite of her words, and without thinking she reached across the table to grasp her hand.

“I would never let a friend down, especially you,” she said softly, not caring in that moment how her words and gestures might be viewed.

Serena took a deep calming breath and smiled back, neither of them moving, their eyes locked onto each other for what seemed like minutes. Then gradually the noise of the coffee machine and the clink of mugs and the hubbub of conversation slowly filtered back into their brains, causing Bernie to relinquish her hold on Serena’s hand as she leaned back into her chair.

“Come on then, finish up and I’ll walk back to your car with you while we arrange when and where to meet.”

Within twenty minutes they were both standing by Serena’s car, having worked out the finer details on the short walk and Serena was feeling much more like her old self.

“Thank you,” she said quietly, “you are really good at this friendship thing you know.”

She leaned in and pressed a kiss to Bernie’s cheek as she slid into the car. “I’m already looking forward to tomorrow…and to meeting your daughter.”

Bernie watched and waved as she drove away, her heart feeling lighter than it had for quite a while. Contrary to her normal state of mind she found herself believing that for once in her life maybe she had said and done the right thing.

Serena kept herself as busy as she could on Sunday morning, trying not to overthink the rest of the day, with varying degrees of success. Even so, by the time she pulled onto the car park of the Deaf Centre her jaw was clenched so hard she was in danger of giving herself toothache by severely restricting the blood flow to her front teeth. She was feeling nearly as nervous about seeing Charlotte as meeting Jason again, so she and Bernie had arranged to meet a few minutes early in a small park about five minutes walk from the Centre. That way she could deal with one thing at a time. She spotted them sitting on a bench and walked over, smiling as Bernie noticed her approaching. She was momentarily startled to see an almost perfect replica (but younger version) of Bernie turn her head to look in her direction, a big grin on her face as she leapt to her feet her hand outstretched in greeting.

“You must be Serena,” she said, “I’ve been looking forward to meeting the woman that my mother never stops talking about.”

As she shook her hand, Serena raised an eyebrow in Bernie’s direction, amused to see that she appeared to have turned a deep shade of red. She quickly turned her attention back to Bernie’s daughter to reply.

“And you must be Charlotte,” and to show off her newly acquired skill, she fingerspelt her name, which made Bernie forget her embarrassment to grin in delight. They all sat down on the bench for a few minutes, with Bernie acting as an interpreter where necessary. Serena couldn’t help commenting on how easily she could understand Charlotte because she was using her voice as well as signing, mentioning her disappointment that so far Jason had not attempted to vocalise at all. Charlotte rested her hand on Serena’s arm to try and reassure her.

“Please don’t think it’s because he doesn’t want to help you. Many deaf people have never been able to ‘hear’ their own voice and it can make them very self-conscious about using it in public places, especially if they’ve been treated with odd looks when they tried. And BSL has a different structure to spoken English, so the order of words is different. It’s why I still get confused with my signing, because I’m trying to make it fit with what I've spent my life using.”

Serena was so grateful to this young lady taking the time to explain things to her, she pulled her into an awkward hug, catching Bernie’s eye as she mouthed the words ‘she’s lovely’ over her shoulder, and was delighted to see a warm proud smile spread over her face. After a few more minutes chatting they started to make their way back to the Deaf Centre, and Serena could feel the tension rising again with every step she took. Bernie took hold of her arm and pulled her ever so slightly into her side to speak quietly in her ear.

“You’ll be fine. You’ve got this, okay?”

Serena sighed slightly before answering.

“You promise?”

“I promise..”

The rest of the afternoon was a bit like a whirlwind. Jason had obviously been waiting for her and grabbed her by the shoulders and hugged her as soon as she set a foot inside. Serena had done her best to introduce Bernie and Charlotte, signing their names carefully which had earned her another bear hug. He grabbed her hand and pulled her along in his wake, proudly introducing her to a few of his friends and their families, many of whom as Alan had promised, were hearing. Serena felt her anxiety dampen down as she was welcomed by them all, and was moved to see how happy and confident Jason was as they worked their way around the room. After a short while of being escorted from one group to the next she had learnt the sign for ‘aunt or auntie’ which was two fingers stroking down from one’s chin in a short sort of double tap. At first she had thought Jason was showing everyone that they both had a dimple in their chin but quickly realised her mistake. As she was whisked around she found her eyes flicking away occasionally, trying to pinpoint where Bernie was and felt a strange sort of warmth when more often than not she realised that Bernie’s eyes were fixed on her too. The first couple of times they had both slid their gaze away in embarrassment at being caught out, but when it continued to happen they began to take comfort from it, smiling secretively on occasion. Charlotte had obviously met up with some old friends, and Serena was fascinated to watch Bernie joining in with some of the signed conversations, feeling unable to tear her eyes away from those skilled surgeon’s hands making patterns in the air. Jason had to tap her on the shoulder to bring her focus back to whom she was with, and she apologised as best she could, determined not to offend anyone, wanting to make him feel proud of her. It was a little while later before they all met up again, by which time Serena was feeling mentally exhausted, and Charlotte signed to Jason that perhaps they should go and get them both a cup of tea to give them a bit of a break. Serena rubbed her hand over her face and gave a small chuckle.

“Lord, I feel as if I’ve spent 4 hours in surgery trying to close up, but every time I do I spot another small bleed. I’m exhausted.” She opened one eye and smiled. “But happy. How about you?”

Bernie tilted her head, and made a small humming noise.

“Bit the same really. We were up talking until quite late last night but I’m finally feeling as if she’s where she wants to be, and that I don’t have to spend every day wondering if she’s okay.”

Serena turned her head to see Charlotte and Jason walking back towards them.

“She’s very striking to look at, and combined with what seems to be a very gentle, kind disposition I think whatever she chooses to do you don’t need to worry _too_ much about her. She’s the sort to have people eating out of her hand very quickly.”

Bernie laughed loudly at that.

“Remind me to invite you over the next time we have an argument…gentle is hardly the word I’d use. And now she can swear like a trooper with her hands she doesn’t always contain her frustration or anger for when we’re alone.”

By the time Jason and Charlotte returned with their drinks Bernie was discreetly trying to show Serena the sign for ‘fuck off home’ and they were both giggling at the thought of using it at work if Ric was being too overbearing.

“Mother!” said Charlie in mock outrage. “I’m sure that is not the most helpful sign to be showing Serena.”

Bernie and Serena both raised an eyebrow at that comment and Bernie signed that it was clear that she hadn’t met some of the people they worked with.

They spent another half an hour chatting, with Charlotte and Bernie helping out with translations between Serena and Jason, but before much longer Serena held her hand up in mock surrender.

Looking at Jason she said how sorry she was but she was very tired and quite emotional, so thought it was about time she headed home. Bernie also chipped in saying that she needed to get her daughter to the train station, so they would have to be leaving too.

Walking across the car park together they were so close that their shoulders were bumping against one another and Serena tried to tell Bernie how much her support meant to her but was struggling to find the right words. As they arrived at Serena’s car, Bernie turned to Charlie and handed over her car keys and told her to go and wait for her, she wouldn’t be long. Charlotte looked at her mom and then Serena with a knowing look in her eye and gave Serena a peck on the cheek as she said goodbye. Bernie waited until she saw her climb into the car before she turned back to look at Serena and gave her a soft smile.

“You don’t have to say anything, you know. I’m not a saint by any means, I’m just trying to be a good friend. Something I’ve failed miserably at, over the years.”

She was surprised she managed to sound so eloquent, when her heart was beating so hard in her chest that she felt as though it must be visibly pushing her rib cage outwards. Unable to look at her directly she felt rather than saw Serena move her head close to hers as her fingers grasped her own.

“Bernie?” Serena’s voice cracked slightly and part of her brain seemed to crackle and fizz at what she was about to say.

“It’s…it’s not just me is it? I mean, this feels..…I’ve never been..oh god, I’m sorry.” Her nerve failed her and she blushed with discomfort. “You know, forget it. I’m not exactly making any sense, I’ll..I’ll see you tomorrow.”

She started to move away, but Bernie’s hand held on tight.

“No…it’s definitely not just you.” Taking a deep breath and all the courage she could muster she moved her face even closer to Serena’s, and when she spoke again her lips were brushing her cheek.

“I think you’re one hell of a woman Serena Campbell, and I think we need to talk soon about …whatever _this_ is.”

There was a large pause as Serena attempted to find the right words, _any _words.

“Perhaps, if you want to you could come back to mine, after you’ve taken Charlotte to the station…?” Serena could hear how high pitched her voice had become and thought how ironic it was that at the ripe old age of 50, she was feeling and acting more like an angst ridden teenager than she ever had in her youth. Bernie gave a small nuzzle into Serena’s neck before ghosting her lips across Serena’s jaw, scarcely believing what was happening.

“I’ll be there in about an hour,” she whispered, and with a final squeeze of her fingers she pulled away and almost ran over to her car without looking back. Serena sagged slightly as she fumbled with her keys to open the door and sank thankfully into her seat, all manner of emotions washing over her.

‘_My god, what have I started? Where on earth do we go from here?’_

Her hands trembled as she turned on the ignition and she stared ahead of her watching Bernie’s car pull away. The one thing she did know for sure, was whatever happened later, their relationship would never be quite the same again.


	8. Where do we go from here?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emotions and feelings are running high in this chapter. But who is the one in control?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I sincerely wish that everyone had at least a satisfactory Christmas, and hopefully someone to share it with. Here we are at the start of a New Year, so could think of no better way to start it than with the next chapter.

Chapter 8 : Where _do_ we go from here?

Serena was pacing back and forth, not knowing exactly when Bernie would arrive. As much as her brain was trying to tell her that they were adults, that people (in general) were a lot more accepting of same sex relationships, and that since when had she ever cared that much about what others thought of her…she was still nervous. What scared her the most was that if they both agree to take this next step, to explore the attraction between them, then how would they work together if things didn’t go they way they hoped? And possibly more importantly, how would they manage to work together if they did? She didn’t want to lose the only person she could imagine sharing a ward with, and she was fairly certain that Bernie would not be happy if she was asked to move back to Keller, or worse still, orthopaedics. It wasn’t that Holby had any cut and dried policy about partners working together, but she knew that the board would have to be as certain as they could be that any sort of relationship would not impact on patient care or result in conflict for other members of staff. By the time she saw Bernie’s car pull onto her drive she felt like she wanted to hide and pretend she wasn’t in.

She was walking very slowly towards the front door when the doorbell rang, making her jump. She paused long enough to take a couple of deep breaths before she pulled it open, and then the sight of Bernie standing there with an anxious look on her face followed by a shy smile, robbed her of the ability to speak or even move. After a few seconds Bernie cleared her throat,

“S’rena?” she almost whispered. “Is it okay? I mean, did you still want me to come?”

Serena’s eyes widened in shock as she registered that she was simply standing there, mesmerised by the woman in front of her.

“Gosh…yes, yes of course,” and she stepped backwards opening the door wider before turning on her heel to walk into the kitchen, leaving Bernie to close it.

Bernie followed her, a little uncertain as to what to say and more than a little worried that Serena was now wishing she hadn’t come.

“Would you like a drink? Tea, coffee or something stronger? And did Charlotte get off okay?”

Serena was doing her best to keep her voice light and neutral, which she found she could do as long as she didn’t look directly at her.

Bernie decided to respond in the same manner.

“Tea would be fine, thank you.” She gave a small sigh. “I hate it when I have to say goodbye in a public place, she gets embarrassed if I look as if I’m going to hug her for the millionth time, and then when she gets on the train, all my worries for her come crowding back.”

Serena shrugged her shoulders.

“It’s a hard balance isn’t it? Between wanting to protect them from things that might hurt them, but knowing that ultimately they need to stand on their own two feet. I sometimes think I’ve pushed Elinor away too quickly in my effort to make her a strong independent woman.”

She turned around to hand Bernie her mug and felt her legs tremble slightly as she saw her peering at her from underneath that unruly fringe.

“You mean like her mother?” Bernie said softly. “Well, I can easily think of worse people she could turn out to be.”

Serena allowed a small smile to flit across her face and moved towards the lounge with Bernie once again trailing behind, and then had a moment of panic wondering where she should sit.

‘_If I choose the sofa and she sits right next to me I’m not sure I could cope, but if I sit in the single chair she may think I’m regretting what I said, that I’ve changed my mind.’_

Serena nearly groaned out loud in frustration at her inability to think or make any decision at all when she was close to this woman, and came to a halt. Bernie was sensing more and more that this had been a huge mistake and was desperate to find a way to let Serena know that whatever had been said could be put to one side. She moved around Serena and took the tea out of her hands and put both their drinks down on the coffee table.

“Serena..I can see that you’re feeling very uncomfortable right now. We don’t have to make this more than it is…we were both rather emotional back there. You were overwhelmed with your feelings for Jason, and I was…thinking about saying goodbye to my little girl. Perhaps we just got caught up in the moment?”

Serena wasn’t stupid, she knew that Bernie was giving her an ‘out’, a way of moving past this moment without making her look like an absolute fool, and she was incredibly tempted to take it. To be able to agree that they had both said things that they wished they hadn’t.

“You’d be happier pretending that we’re just good friends who got a little carried away?”

Bernie inclined her head and gave a small shrug.

“It would be for the best, don’t you think? We make a great team at work, it would be a pity to spoil that.”

Serena was in a turmoil. It would be so easy to go along with it. But….since when did Serena Campbell ever take the easy route? She’d tried it before when Edward had cheated for the first time and she’d believed him when he had told her it would never happen again, giving him a second chance by pushing all her doubts and fears to one side. And look how that had turned out. She took a deep breath and forced herself to look at Bernie.

“Is that really what you want? Because…because I don’t think it’s what I want.”

Steeling herself she moved towards the sofa and sat down, patting the seat beside her to indicate she wanted Bernie to join her which, after a small hesitation, she did. Seizing the moment and not wasting any more time she continued.

“I can’t pretend that I’m not confused, and well, terrified really. But I do know that if you had been a man I would not be feeling so conflicted. And that’s very little to do with _you,_ and mostly all to do with me.”

Bernie shifted uncomfortably and made as if she was going to speak, but Serena raised her hand to forestall her words.

“Please, let me continue. I don’t know how shocked or unnerved you were when you realised your attraction to women…I don’t know whether it was sudden or whether you’d always known It, deep down. I know I’ve always admired women, their resilience, their strength, their beauty even. But you…you’ve got under my skin in a way I’d never anticipated and you’ve become important to me…I miss you when I don’t see you…and I..”

At this point Serena ran out of words and spread her hands wide and gave a small shrug, looking sideways at Bernie as she did, fearful that she had said too much or not enough. She knew she could probably pretend that there was no spark between them, that they were just good friends, maybe _best _friends, but before she accepted that she had to know what Bernie was feeling, what she wanted. The silence between them grew until it felt like a chasm that was growing wider and wider with every passing second. She closed her eyes in despair and was about to push herself up off the sofa when she felt Bernie’s hand close over her own, turning it slightly so that their fingers could lightly intertwine. She opened her eyes again as her breathing hitched and turning her head slowly she saw Bernie biting her lip, a frown on her forehead as she struggled with what to say. There was a long, breathy sigh.

“I never considered that I would be attracted to you…when I first worked with you on AAU,” Bernie said softly. “I mean, I could see how attractive you were, but I would have run a mile there and then if I’d realised how much I might grow to ‘like’ you.” She took another shaky breath. “ I mean it when I say that I don’t want to hurt you….and if that means that shutting my feelings for you away…I can do it..I’ve done it before. Most of my life, really. I’ll even move wards again, or hospital, if that would make you happier.”

She felt a tightening of Serena’s hand in hers as if she was scared she would bolt through the door if she relaxed her grip, and she heard Serena’s voice close to her ear.

“Now you just listen to me, Berenice. I’m not the sort of person that runs from anything just because it scares me, and I will not have you acting like I’m some young girl in need of protection from a big..bad…..”

Serena was the one who started giggling first as she realised where her words had taken her, but it wasn’t long before Bernie joined in, stopping just short of the startling bray that she was known for throughout the hospital. They both relaxed and fell backwards against the sofa gasping for breath. When she was back in control and able to breathe normally Serena sat upright, a smile on her lips and looked down on Bernie who was still giving the occasional snort. She stood up and held her hand out for Bernie to hold as she helped her to her feet. Some of their previous solemnity returned as Serena used her other hand to brush a few strands of soft blonde hair out of Bernie’s eyes.

“I’m hoping you understand when I say that I don’t want you to disappear on me. What I do want is to find out what this is..or could be, if that’s something you might be hoping for too?”

Bernie felt her heart flutter at Serena’s words and at first all she managed was a small nod of the head. Then she pulled Serena a little closer as she said, almost bashfully,

“So, maybe you’d like me to take you on a date, do you mean?”

Serena’s smile grew wider.

“Yes, a date sounds like a very good idea.”

They stood there grinning at each other for a while, until Bernie started to move towards the hall, with Serena following behind. They finally loosed hands so that Bernie could slip her coat back on, and Serena moved to open the door for her, but not quite wide enough for her to slip through. Bernie looked at her quizzically and Serena found herself blushing as she took a step towards her, sliding her arms around Bernie’s waist, resting her head against Bernie’s cheek.

“I..I know tomorrow, at work, will feel a bit strange, but we can still keep things…professional, can’t we?”

Bernie nuzzled her nose into Serena’s neck for a moment before pulling back to meet her eyes.

“Absolutely Ms Campbell, I wouldn’t expect anything less.”

And with a small wink she moved out of Serena’s soft embrace and was through the door and heading for her car before Serena could respond. As she closed the door on her, Serena leant her forehead against its cool surface as a flush of warmth crept over her body that had nothing to do with the menopause, and everything to do with the woman who had just left. Smiling, she picked up the two mugs of now cold tea from the table in the lounge and took them into the kitchen. She toyed with the idea of making herself a snack or pouring herself a glass of wine, but decided against both, choosing instead to opt for a quick shower and an early night. And perhaps a little bit of relevant research on her laptop.

For all that Bernie had assured Serena that they would keep their feelings very much hidden and maintain a businesslike manner at the hospital, she could not deny she was very nervous as she ran up the stairs to AAU on Monday morning. When she had got back to her flat yesterday it was less than thirty minutes later that she received a text from Charlotte saying she was safely home and asking to skype with her as soon as possible. Before long they were face to face, and Bernie was worried something was wrong and said so. Charlotte’s wide grin filled the screen as she asked, very pointedly, how things had gone with Serena. Bernie started to bluster, having been caught totally unawares.

“I don’t know what you mean..I told you I was going to pop in on the way home to see if she was alright. It was a big thing..going there to meet Jason. I can still remember how I felt the first time..”

“Mom. Mom..” Charlotte had to shout to get her to stop, and as her voice faded away Bernie felt her cheeks grow warm, and knew that she’d been rumbled.

“Thank you,” said Charlotte still grinning. “You might think you were being very subtle, but with all the glances you were throwing her way and that she was returning, it was obvious to me..and Jason I might add, that there was something between you. You fancy her, don’t you?”

Bernie was sure her cheeks were now as red as Serena’s lipstick and she looked agonisingly at her daughter.

“It can’t have been that apparent, surely? And you say Jason noticed? Oh lord…”

Bernie dropped her head down, a sense of dread washing over her. What if Jason texted Serena and said something? Serena would be mortified.

“Mom, look at me..it’s not as bad as you think. Deaf people are very quick to pick up on visual clues because we watch faces constantly for changes in expression. So it’s probably not something that most would even notice. And I told Jason that it would be best not to say anything to his aunt at the moment, that he needs to wait until he’s got to know her better. So please don’t panic, or run and hide. And mom? For what it’s worth, she seems lovely.”

That conversation had calmed Bernie down a little, but as she stood in their office on the ward, she felt her anxieties resurface, trying to decide whether to be sitting at her desk when Serena arrived, or whether she should get out of there to check on the patients, to try and avoid any face to face awkwardness. In the end the decision was taken out of her hands when Ric called her up to Keller for a consult, and by the time she returned, Serena was at her desk sighing over the roster for the following week, because the new batch of F1’s were due to start, and Morven , the official trainer, had suddenly asked if she could leave early to help her sister arrange their father’s birthday party.

Hearing the exhalation as she walked in Bernie said quietly, “anything I can do to help?”

Serena’s head shot up so fast that Bernie feared she might suffer whiplash.

“You need to wear louder shoes,” Serena said tartly, her heart still thumping with the shock.

“Sorry,” Bernie muttered, “I didn’t mean to startle you. I simply wondered what you were sighing over.”

As she calmed down their eyes met, and Serena gave a soft smile that Bernie readily returned. She explained about trying to jiggle the rota to accommodate Dr Digby’s request, and looking over Serena’s shoulder, Bernie frowned slightly as she looked at the shifts for that day.

“Why don’t you let her swap the whole day with me? I don’t mind supervising the newbies for one day.”

“Isn’t that a little below your pay grade Ms Wolfe?” Serena asked, a twinkle in her eye. “Plus, I don’t want you scaring them off before they’ve barely started.”

Bernie gave Serena’s chair a slight shove as she moved back around the desk to sit down in front of her own computer.

“Cheeky,” she said as she leaned back. “Well, the offer’s there, take it or leave it.”

Serena looked at her and raised an eyebrow, before she sighed again, this time gratefully.

“If you’re sure you don’t mind, that would definitely help…thank you.”

Bernie gave a small shrug.

“You don’t have to do this alone anymore, remember? That’s part of the reason I’m here.”

Serena’s throat constricted as she looked across at Bernie, struck by the way the sunlight coming through the small window on her right was shining on her messy, blonde hair, making it look like a halo. She gave herself a mental slap and told herself to ‘_get a grip’ _as she pushed herself up from her seat grabbing a file from the desk.

“Well, Hanssen requested my presence in his office at least fifteen minutes ago so I’d better be off before I get another summons, or worse, he appears on the ward.”

Bernie nodded in agreement, but Serena still didn’t move from the doorway.

“I…um, don’t think I’ve even said good morning,” she said quietly. “Are you okay?”

Bernie finally raised her head to meet Serena’s gaze and gave her a small smile seemingly very much in control even though her heart was beating very erratically.

“Fine. How about you?”

Serena managed a rather high-pitched “fine” in response but was still having trouble making her legs move in the right direction when Fletch appeared behind her asking for Bernie to come and take a look at a young man who’d just been transferred from the ED, effectively breaking the spell. Bernie stood and as she pushed past Serena she placed her hand briefly on her forearm and murmured “talk later, yes?” before she swiftly followed Nurse Fletcher out onto the ward. With a slight wobble, and yet another sigh, Serena headed for the stairs, deciding that walking up to the top floor would give her a little more time to focus her thoughts on the job in hand.

It was well after lunch before Serena returned to AAU, clutching what was possibly the last sandwich that Pulses had to offer, sinking onto her seat in the office with a groan. She tossed the sandwich onto the desk, not really interested in eating it if truth be told, and covered her face with her hands. Bernie had spied her from the other side of the ward, and making her apologies to the patient that she had been speaking to, she quickly traversed the floor arriving through the door to the office as Serena rested her elbows on the desk, head still in her hands.

“Tough meeting?” she asked innocently.

“Bloody hell Bernie….what did I say earlier about louder shoes for god’s sake? You’re going to give me a heart attack.”

Bernie raised her hands in front of her, palms facing towards her irate co-lead as if in self defence.

“Sorry, sorry…shall I go out and come in again? Perhaps I could knock, or give a throaty cough to offer a small warning.”

Serena was feeling short tempered enough to have a hissy fit, but when her eyes finally met Bernie’s, she realised that she was being teased. She took a deep breath to steady herself before she spoke.

“No, I’m the one who should say sorry. I’m just a bit exhausted today, I didn’t sleep that well last night.”

Bernie sat down in her chair with a bump.

“I hope that wasn’t just because of me…of the conversation we had. I meant it when I said that we can draw a line under it, if that’s what you want.”

Serena eyes softened and she gave Bernie a shy smile, deciding to be truthful.

“I won’t deny that you were in my thoughts a lot, but that wasn’t the main reason. I’ve just got to work out the best way to juggle work, learning a whole new language in the hope I can build any sort of relationship with Jason, and then worrying about Elinor. I don’t feel as if I’ve paid her enough attention recently, and seeing you with Charlotte made me realise that she’s always the one I sideline because I think she can manage without me, especially when I’m busy. And today the board are driving me crazy, wanting reports left right and centre, meaning that the medical side of my job gets pushed to one side. And that’s what I’m best at, what I enjoy the most and I’m getting further and further away from it.”

She looked at Bernie apologetically.

“And rather unfairly, you’ve been in the firing line. I’m sorry.”

Bernie stood up and went to perch on the side of Serena’s desk, reaching tentatively for her hand, stroking the backs of her fingers.

“It’s okay…I have a very thick skin, something I developed fairly quickly in the army. Otherwise I’d have spent the first year in barracks curled up in my bunk, because some sergeant major had yelled at me that I would never be strong enough to even complete basic training.”

They sat in silence for a few moments before Bernie continued.

“You know, you don’t _have_ to be a slave to the Trust at Holby, not if it’s making you unhappy. Perhaps it’s time to think about what you really want for yourself, and not just what other people expect of you.”

Serena looked at Bernie in astonishment, as if it had never occurred to her that she could say ‘no’ to the pressures that the board put on her every day. Bernie stood up, giving Serena’s fingertips a gentle squeeze.

“Now I should get back to the patient I so rudely abandoned nearly ten minutes ago when I saw you come in here.” She took a few steps towards the ward before turning on her heel to say one more thing.

“I’ve booked us a table at that little Italian place just off the High Street on Wednesday evening, if you still want to come? No pressure, just let me know if you’ve changed your mind.”

She gave a small smile before she left and Serena smiled at her retreating back. There’d be plenty of other things she would cancel or postpone before she would consider putting off their dinner date.

Having heard nothing to the contrary, Bernie was trying to get her head around the fact that in less than an hour she was going on a date with Serena Campbell. Normally, choosing what to wear was not something she agonised over. But this felt different, she wanted to impress Serena, had even considered going to buy something new, until her daughter had told her to stop over-thinking it. It was just a meal, in an average restaurant with a friend..who would probably be freaked out if she turned up ‘dressed to the nines’. So she stood in front of her mirror smoothing down the white shirt she was wearing over her usual skinny jeans, wondering if she should iron it again. She completely ruined the careful styling of her hair by running her hand through it in despair at the nervous wreck she had become. She groaned and headed for the kitchen to pour herself a glass of water to steady her nerves. She would much rather have had a tumbler full of a good malt whisky, but as she had offered to pick Serena up, and was fairly certain that a bottle of wine would be in evidence over the evening, she had decided against that. She glanced at her watch for the umpteenth time and moved swiftly into the hall to collect her bag and coat, needing to leave immediately if she didn’t want to be late.

Serena, by comparison, was feeling a lot less stressed that she had thought she would. That wasn’t to say that she hadn’t tried on numerous outfits already, but was quite happy with the soft jade sweater she had chosen to wear over a mid calf black skirt. She did want to show Bernie that she had more in her wardrobe than the flowing blouses and flappy trousers she wore to work everyday, and was satisfied that her choice was different enough without being overdressed. She did rather hope that whatever Bernie was wearing, those sinful tight jeans would be part of it. She paused in front of her mirror as she was about to add a final coat of lipstick, and smiled to herself.

‘_Whoever would believe I would be fantasising about the figure of a woman..’ _she thought with a slight snigger, and then jumped as her phone beeped, announcing that Bernie was waiting in her car on the drive. Putting her lipstick back into her purse she took one last mouthful of her glass of wine that was standing on the dressing table and with a delicious feeling of butterflies in her stomach she went downstairs.

When they were finally sitting in the restaurant waiting for their dinner to arrive, Serena was hard pushed to remember anything past the moment she had opened the door to see Bernie waiting on her doorstep. She could remember them both smiling awkwardly at each other, but how she got into the car and the journey here was enveloped in a sort of mist in her mind’s eye, and even the ordering of their meal was so jumbled she wasn’t quite sure what was going to be placed in front of her. What she did remember fortunately, was the rather nice bottle of red wine that was now sitting on the table, and she gratefully took another large gulp before looking into Bernie’s eyes.

“I think I should tell you that I took your advice and as of 5.00pm today, I am no longer CEO of Holby City Hospital. So it’s due to you I have escaped from the tyranny of the boardroom. Thank you.”

Serena raised her glass and took another good swig of wine, and Bernie couldn’t help but smile back, noticing with delight how bright and sparkling her eyes were. She picked up her glass too, and clinked it gently against Serena’s, before taking a small sip.

“That was all down to you Serena, I merely made a suggestion. But if it’s made you this happy, I’m very pleased I did.”

She looked from underneath her fringe, their eyes locking for one sweet moment until she dropped her gaze, feeling slightly bashful. She found it odd that she could make life or death decisions in a matter of seconds, appearing supremely confident in her working life, so much so that no one would ever have described her as being shy. She did wonder if that was why the army life had suited her so well, for so long. There were few opportunities for emotional outbursts, and there always seemed to be a set of rules or protocols to hide behind, for times when she had felt out of her depth. Like right here, right now facing one of the most attractive women she had ever met and not having a clue what to say next.

“Cat got your tongue?” asked Serena teasingly. “You should have another drink, it always helps to relax me in tricky situations.”

Bernie fished in her pocket to jangle her car keys in Serena’s direction.

“Driving…remember?”

Serena shrugged her shoulders.

“We could always call a cab. Collect your car in the morning.”

Bernie shook her head.

“I’m working tomorrow, or is that something else you’ve forgotten.” She raised an eyebrow. “Just how many drinks have you already had at home Serena?”

Serena pulled a face.

“Just a couple…I was celebrating my freedom.”

They both looked at each other, Bernie raising her eyebrows, and Serena blushed.

“Okay, okay, I’ll slow down. I don’t want to spoil this evening for either of us.”

She reached out her hand across the table, just as the waiter brought their dinner, but instead of snatching it away she held her nerve and waited for Bernie to reach out too, so that their fingertips were touching. They both felt as if it was as intimate as a caress and the shock of it travelled through their bodies, causing them both to flush with want.

The dinner was enjoyable, although neither of them were paying much attention to the taste, delighting rather in each other’s company as their nerves dissipated. Serena was still drinking a little more than she’d intended and by the time Bernie was ushering her out of the door and across to the car Serena was clinging tightly to her arm in an effort not to stumble. They were back outside Serena’s house before they knew it and Bernie watched as Serena fumbled in her bag for her keys, and laughed as she finally produced them with a flourish, ‘ta-da!” before dropping them on the floor of the car.

“Here, let me help,” Bernie said, as after much grovelling around Serena managed to resurface, rather red-faced, clutching them triumphantly.

Bernie took the keys from her and went around to Serena’s side of the car to help her up to the front door, opening it and assisting her inside before handing them back. She cleared her throat and blushed.

“Ahem…I.. I never did say how lovely you looked tonight. It was quite a revelation to see you in a skirt, I rather liked it.”

Serena huffed and tried to appear as if getting compliments from Bernie didn’t turn her insides to mush.

“If I had legs that went on for days like you do, you’d be seeing them a lot more often.”

There was a short pause as Bernie’s brain tried to deal with the thought of seeing much more of any part of Serena Campbell. She took a step closer and curled her arm around Serena’s waist.

“I had a wonderful time tonight,” she murmured quietly, close to Serena’s ear. “Thank you.” And she pressed her lips to Serena’s cheek.

Serena’s breathing hitched and she dropped her head down onto Bernie’s shoulder.

“So did I,” she said, her voice reverberating into the hollow of Bernie’s neck and she placed a soft kiss there, making Bernie’s stomach flip.

She started to move away, towards the still open door but Serena grabbed at the arm that was still resting against her.

“I was hoping you might stay,” she said, pausing as she felt Bernie’s body stiffen. “At least for a little while longer.”

Bernie sighed, and Serena started to gabble.

“I know you think I’m drunk, but I’m not. Well, not _that _drunk, maybe a little tipsy…but not so far that I don’t know what I’m doing. Please?”

Bernie sighed again and rested her forehead against Serena’s.

“It’s not that I don’t _want_ to, I do, desperately…but I need to be sure that you’re sure, if you understand me.”

Serena raised her head and Bernie was startled to see a hunger in her eyes as her hand reached past Bernie, pushing the door closed.

“Will this convince you?”

And Bernie felt Serena’s lips against her own, hesitant at first, soft and then insistent and she allowed herself to respond, curling her free hand up and around her back pulling her into her body, moaning softly into the kiss as Serena’s hands pushed up into her hair. As a second, louder moan escaped her lips she broke them apart, vaguely hearing Serena’s muttered ‘Sorry’ through the sound of her blood rushing through her ears.

“Don’t be,” she managed to gasp, “I’ve been wanting to do that for weeks.”

They pulled apart, grinning wildly at each other.

“So you’ll stay?” Serena asked excitedly, pulling her towards the lounge. “Sit down, and I’ll go and open a bottle of something. You could drink whatever you want if you’re not driving home.”

Serena gave her a wink as she headed into the kitchen, and Bernie’s heart felt as heavy as lead as she followed her, arriving in time to put her hand on Serena’s as she was reaching for the corkscrew.

“I can’t stay the night, you know that. I have work tomorrow and I don’t want to be creeping out of here at some ungodly hour like a thief in the night because I have to get home to change. And…and if _you_ drink anymore I would be worried that anything else that might happen wouldn’t be..special enough.”

She saw the flash of hurt and disappointment in Serena’s eyes and she gathered her into her body with a fierceness that surprised Serena.

“Look, I’m not that more experienced than you at this. So I want to be certain that when… or if, we get to spend the night together, that the only thing that we’re drunk on is each other. And yes, that sounded as cheesy to me as I’m sure it did to you, but I’m trying to do the right thing here. You do get that..don’t you?”

Serena leant her head back so that she could look at Bernie and rolled her eyes in frustration.

“God, you’re annoying when you’re trying to be noble. But let me get just one thing clear…there is no ‘if’ about it. Do you get _me_?”

And smiling she leaned forward to capture Bernie’s lower lip between her teeth , tugging slightly before letting go and walking Bernie backwards towards the hall. She pushed Bernie against the door and ghosted her lips down her neck as her right hand worked it’s way underneath the now very crumpled white shirt, making Bernie hiss as her palm came to rest against the bare skin of her spine.

By the time she moved her mouth back up to hover near Bernie’s lips again, her eyes were glittering.

“So, I’m thinking that Saturday night it’s my turn to treat you to dinner…what do you say? Nobody here has to be in work on Sunday as I recall, which should make some decisions a whole lot easier.”

And before Bernie could respond she kissed her again, holding her in place against the door by the pressure of her body, her hands planted either side of Bernie’s head. Bernie felt as if the room was spinning and then suddenly Serena moved away, leaving Bernie to sag forwards trying to catch her breath. Serena swiftly opened the door and guided her through it.

“See you in work on Friday? I should have the details for our second date all worked out by then.”

She closed the door on Bernie and sank to the floor, her legs shaking so much with desire and adrenaline that they could no longer hold her up. But the smile on her face was going to stay fixed there for quite some time.


	9. New Experiences

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The start of at least 2 chapters of smut with very little plot progression Note the rating change....

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter summary says it all. It was inevitable....
> 
> And thanks to everyone who have left such wonderful comments and to all who have taken the time to read it so far.

Chapter 9 : New Experiences

Bernie had virtually crawled to her car, trying to work out exactly when she had lost control of the situation, but gave it up as a bad job when she realised that she didn’t actually care. She waited for only a short while before driving away even though she wasn’t convinced her legs were connected to her brain, half expecting the door to re-open, framing Serena with the light from the hallway. She knew if that happened she would be back in the house as quickly as possible, functioning limbs or not, so she summoned up all her willpower and sped away. By the time she pulled up outside her flat she still had to take a few moments to calm herself before clambering out of the vehicle to walk across the car park. The drive had resulted in some very squirmy moments as her mind replayed the sensation of being pinned against the door by Serena, and she could still feel her hand pressing into the small of her back making her wonder if she had been branded. The area it had covered still burned and itched to be touched again. As she let herself in, she dropped her bag and keys onto the small table by the door and headed straight for the shower. If she was to get any sleep tonight there were things she most definitely needed to attend to. The warm water running over her naked body made her wonder if Serena was taking matters into her own hands too, and the image that came into her brain made her groan as her fingers slipped between her thighs. Even by her standards this would be a very quick shower.

When Serena awoke the following morning she stretched luxuriously in her bed, grateful that she didn’t have to get up, even though her alarm had gone off. She never changed the time that it sounded, loving the self indulgence of simply lying there knowing that the morning was her own. She closed her eyes again and her lips curved into a smile as a face surrounded by blonde waves came unbidden into her mind, and a flash of heat in her lower belly reminded her of how much she had used that image last night. After another ten minutes of fantasies she rolled her hips and sighed. It was no good, she may as well get up, her brain already too active to allow further sleep, and she did need to plan for Saturday, particularly as she would be working for half of that day. An hour later saw her fully dressed, perched on a stool at the breakfast bar in her kitchen with the laptop open, a pen and pad to her right and a strong, hot cup of coffee in her hand.

‘_First things first…do we dine out or at home?’ _

She started by searching TripAdvisor for comments on local restaurants and one in particular caught her eye. Clicking on the link to the website her smile grew wider even though it was a little further afield than she’d thought of venturing.

‘_This could be a perfect solution, especially as I’m going to need most of Saturday afternoon just to get ready, so having to cook as well isn’t really an option.’_

Picking up her phone she rang them straight away. There was no point in getting too pleased with herself if she found out they were booked solid. It was a Saturday night after all. When she had finished talking to them she was grinning like a Cheshire Cat. They’d be dining slightly earlier than she had planned, but if the evening went as well as she was hoping, then she felt sure the extra time they would have _after _their meal would be put to good use.

They both arrived early to work on Friday morning. Serena because she was on a shift that would mean she finished mid afternoon, and Bernie honestly couldn’t wait to see Serena again. She was hoping to already be in their office when Serena arrived, but they met up in the queue for Pulses. Giving each other a shy smile across a few heads Serena indicated (as she was nearer the front) that she would order for Bernie too. She handed over Bernie’s coffee as they walked towards the lifts and then apart from a muttered ‘thank you’ and ‘you’re welcome’ nothing else was said until they arrived on AAU.

“Would you mind taking my coat into the office?” Bernie asked. “Then I can go and get changed into scrubs straightaway.”

Serena rolled her eyes, but took her coat from her without comment. She only ever changed into scrubs at the last possible moment, for a variety of reasons. But the one that loomed largest was the fact that she never felt entirely comfortable with her body shape when she was wearing them, and as she hung their coats on the pegs in the office a flash of panic overwhelmed her.

‘_Oh good grief, what if Bernie is appalled at the sight my body when we’re in bed together?’_

If she thought scrubs were unflattering, there would certainly be nowhere to hide in the bedroom. She took a deep breath to calm herself.

‘_No matter,’ _she thought, ‘_I’ll nip out later and buy a nightgown. One that will cover a multitude of sins.’_

As the door to the office opened, she whirled around her face crimson, certain that Bernie would be able to read her mind. Fortunately it was only Nurse Jackson who wanted her to come and check on a patient who seemed to be deteriorating fast. Dropping her bag on the floor, and placing her coffee on the desk she followed quickly, just catching sight of Bernie pushing through the doors of AAU out of the corner of her eye. She gave her the briefest of nods and hurried over to reassess the elderly gentleman who had been admitted during the night.

As was the way of things it was nearly 2 hours before Serena got to return to the office long enough to sit down. She assumed it was Bernie who had removed what would have been her stone cold coffee from the desk, and pushed herself up to go and make a cup of instant. She had barely taken one step when the door opened and Bernie stood there, clutching two coffees, one of which she held out to Serena.

“I’m hoping you have time to drink this,” she said, “because if I drink another two cups I’ll be bouncing off the walls”

Serena grabbed at the cup, laughing as she did.

“Oh you beauty,” she exclaimed, “I was just considering making do with whatever was available in one of the cupboards in the staff room, but this is so much better.”

She took a large gulp and closed her eyes, moaning in delight at the taste. When she opened them again it was to the sight of Bernie looking slightly wide-eyed at the sound she had made, and she felt herself go a little pink. She sat down on the edge of her desk and cleared her throat.

“So, how was yesterday? Anything major happen that I should know about?”

Bernie shook her head.

“No, all pretty standard stuff I think. I do however have a potential aneurysm of the splenic artery on the way up from ED, and I’m wondering if you’re free to join me in theatre? You know how tricky this could be.”

Serena nodded in agreement.

“I’d be happy to, just as long as I have time to finish this.” And she inclined her head towards her coffee, smiling as she did.

Bernie smiled back, as she placed her own coffee on the desk.

“No problem. I’ll go and do the initial assessment while you drink. I’ll meet you in the scrub room of theatre 2 shortly.”

They went into it knowing it wouldn’t be easy, and there had been a couple of close calls, but as always they worked well together and for now, the patient looked to be on the road to recovery. Back in the office Serena started gathering her stuff together, as she wanted to get out of there before she could get trapped by any emergency. Bernie watched for a few moments and then plucked up enough courage to ask the million dollar question.

“Is it?... I mean…Have you?...you know, made any decisions or…plans yet?”

Bernie was looking more embarrassed with every second that passed that Serena didn’t reply. She found it hard to keep a straight face but loved the sense of power it gave her, the longer the silence went on. Just as Bernie was considering giving it up as a bad job, Serena relented.

“Am I to assume we’re talking about tomorrow’s date?” she asked, quietly.

Bernie nodded.

“It…it would be a help to know where to meet you, and at what time.”

Serena walked behind Bernie where she sat at her desk, and leant down to rest her cheek close to hers as she whispered in her ear.

“Then listen carefully. Firstly you won’t need to meet me anywhere, I shall be coming to pick you up. I’m sorry it will be a little early but I need you to be ready by 5 o’clock, we do have a little further than usual to travel. Dress? Probably best to aim for smart casual, but unfortunately no jeans allowed, however much I personally would love to see them.”

She placed her hand on the desk in front of Bernie and then let it fall onto her upper thigh, giving it a squeeze before straightening up, heading for the door. Holding the handle Serena took a deep breath and made sure that Bernie was looking at her as she continued.

“And..um, you won’t forget to pack a small overnight bag will you? Just so you are prepared..for any eventuality.”

And then with a wink she was through the door in a flash, leaving Bernie very glad that she was sitting down. She had guessed that there was a likelihood that they would be spending the night together, especially after Serena’s actions and words on Wednesday evening, but she was still surprised at how confident Serena seemed to be as to how their relationship was progressing. They hadn’t really spoken about the kiss, and she had to admit that circumstances at work today had meant they had behaved very professionally towards each other, with only the occasional lingering look across hospital beds or the operating table. Her mind started to wander as she imagined herself in Serena’s bedroom, waiting for her, and she squirmed a little as she felt a growing warmth between her legs.

‘_Stop it,’ _she warned herself. ‘_Serena might be implying things right now, but the reality could be very different. One step at a time soldier.’_

Nevertheless, as she reached for one of the files on her desk, she was already thinking about what to wear to maximise her chances.

By the time Serena’s shift came to an end early on Saturday afternoon, she was already feeling nervous. Her impeccable planning meant that she had nothing else to do but go home and have a nice long soak in a bath and then take her time getting ready so that she could hopefully wow Bernie with her choice of outfit. Trouble was the thing she most wanted to happen was out of her control. As much as she believed that Bernie wanted the same thing she did, it was a huge step in a relatively short time, and she couldn’t predict that Bernie might decide they needed to wait a little longer. Or even change her mind about them being a couple outside of work. What if they found that they were incompatible in bed? What if she herself found she didn’t like sex with a woman, however much she cared about Bernie? Groaning inwardly she gathered up her things, said her goodbyes to her staff and headed home.

‘_Stop overthinking everything,’ _she told herself angrily. ‘_One step at a time.’_

Serena texted Bernie (with shaking fingers) from the car park in front of her flat to say she was here, but there was no rush. So it was a surprise to see Bernie hurtling from the entrance less than thirty seconds later with a small backpack in her hand before she landed with a thump in the passenger seat beside her. There was a small embarrassed silence until Bernie gave a nervous chuckle.

“Sorry, I’ve been watching out of the window for your arrival. I was already out of the door when I got your text.”

She looked at Serena from under that infuriating fringe and smiled. Unable to stop herself she leant across the gap to kiss her lightly on the cheek, and before she could move away Serena grabbed her shoulder and returned the kiss, this time on the lips. It was gentle, but lasted longer than she had intended, unable to tear herself away. When they finally broke apart they were both smiling, and as Bernie buckled herself in Serena let out a sigh.

“Okay, I have to admit that I feel slightly less nervous after that. Are you ready to be wined and dined Berenice?”

“Indeed I am, so lead on Ms Campbell.”

Bernie was quite surprised when they pulled up outside what appeared to be a public house in Kingham in the Cotswolds. As Serena had warned it was a long way to travel for a meal, although she couldn’t deny it looked delightful and she was sure that Serena would have done her research before booking so was certain as she could be that she wouldn’t be disappointed.

After being seated at their table Serena excused herself for a few minutes, taking Bernie’s coat with her, giving Bernie a chance to look at their surroundings and the menu, which looked delicious. She felt quite bad when she saw the choice of wines available, and wondered if she should offer to drive back so that Serena could partake of a couple of glasses of her favourite tipple. All rational thought was wiped from her mind, as she saw the lady in question walking across the room towards her, obviously having left both of their coats in a cloakroom. She was dressed in a figure hugging soft green jersey dress, with a deep ‘V’ neckline which had Bernie’s eyes riveted on her cleavage. After the waistline the skirt flowed more freely, but did nothing to disguise the shapely hips beneath. Serena felt herself pink with pleasure at the look on Bernie’s face, her mouth almost forming an ‘o’ shape as she scrambled to her feet to pull out the chair for Serena to sit on.

“You look…stunning,” she said breathlessly as she reclaimed her own seat.

“Thank you,” murmured Serena, obviously pleased at the reaction her appearance had provoked. “I confess I’m rather taken with your outfit too.”

Bernie was in a simple but classic black pant suit, and had teamed it with a soft blue top that clung very seductively to her beautiful figure.

It was Bernie’s turn to blush, and she hid it by burying her face into the menu.

“This looks superb,” she said. “But so expensive…you must let me share the cost.”

Serena raised an eyebrow and gave her a glare.

“I think you should remember who’s treating who,” she said sternly. “Please do not suggest that again unless you want to be in my bad books.”

Her face relaxed slightly as she reached across the table to touch Bernie’s arm.

“It makes me happy to do this for you….for _us. _Okay?”

Bernie felt her eyes filling up and blinked rapidly to get rid of any tears before she nodded her agreement. “Thank you,” she whispered.

Bernie was correct, the meal was wonderful and the time passed by so fast. She was astonished when the desserts were placed in front of them to see that they had already consumed a bottle of finest Shiraz, and she was fairly certain that she had only had 2 glasses, which meant Serena must have consumed at least two herself. She felt concerned that Serena might be a little over the limit but didn’t want to ruin what had been a perfect evening so far by pointing this out. As Serena took her first mouthful of chocolate mousse, she positively groaned with pleasure, and any thought of bringing the mood crashing down was obliterated from Bernie’s brain.

‘_After all,’ _she thought, when her mind cleared enough to allow rational thought, _‘it’s early, and we’ve had some very good food. I expect within an hour her alcohol levels will be virtually normal.’_

The conversation so far had flowed easily, and although there was an occasional dark look shared between them, both had been able to put the possibility of a more intimate end to the evening to the back of their minds. But as the waiter approached with the bill Bernie felt her breathing hitch as a flood desire washed over her body. She chided herself, closing her eyes for a moment to gain some composure, not wanting Serena to see any sort of yearning there which might put her under pressure, jumping when she felt Serena’s hand close over her own.

“Bernie? Are you okay to move?”

Bernie’s eyes flew open and she looked around, seeing no sign of the waiter.

“Oh..have you paid already?”

Serena smiled. “Yes it’s all settled, and I think they would like the table for the next sitting. Shall we go?”

Bernie blushed slightly and followed Serena towards the bar come reception area. She looked around to see where their coats might be, but couldn’t spot them. She was also still worried about Serena being sober enough to get behind the wheel and felt that she had to say something. She stopped and Serena turned around to see what was wrong, raising an eyebrow in a quizzical manner.

“Serena…do you think it wise to get into the car right now? I mean, we could sit for a while couldn’t we? Perhaps get a coffee?”

Serena knew exactly what Bernie was thinking and to keep up an act she forced a glare onto her face.

“What are you implying? That I’m too drunk to drive or make rational decisions? Do you really believe I would risk our lives by driving under the influence? How little you know me.”

And turning tail she marched out of the door.

Bernie was stunned, her brain screaming _‘no, no, no’_ as she chased after her, heading for the car. She pulled up short as she realised Serena wasn’t anywhere in sight. Whirling around she spotted her leaning against a wall of another part of the pub and giving a small sob of relief she strode over to her.

“Serena, please….I’m so sorry. I was just worried that…that….”

Serena raised her eyes to look at Bernie, a vaguely smug smile on her face.

“What? That I was so intent on having my way with you tonight that I was ready to throw caution to the winds?”

Bernie dropped her gaze down to the floor and began to twist her fingers together.

“I know, that was stupid of me…you wouldn’t do anything to put us in danger. I wasn’t exactly thinking straight. Wasn’t thinking of anything much..except you.”

She took a small step closer and Serena felt her warm breath on her neck as she bent her head to place a soft kiss there. Bernie carried on up her neck to Serena’s jaw line and moved her lips along to her ear to whisper seductively.

“Haven’t really been able to think of anything logical since I saw you in that dress. Do you have any idea what effect you have on me, looking like that?”

In the absence of a reply Bernie began to lay a series of butterfly kisses across Serena’s cheek before her lips hovered over Serena’s own, saw them part in anticipation. She waited for a moment, and then waited a little longer until she felt Serena push upwards in an attempt to make a connection. As soon as she detected that slight movement Bernie sank forwards, capturing that soft mouth with her own, her arms circling around Serena’s back, pulling her close. In terms of time, it didn’t last that long, but when they parted they were both gasping for breath.

“Am I forgiven?” Bernie asked.

Still trembling slightly Serena nodded, and she held up a key in her hand.

“I think your hand might be slightly steadier than mine to use this though,” she murmured, and she tapped her hand against a wooden door just to their left that Bernie had hitherto not even noticed. Frowning slightly she took the proffered key and opened the door, switching on a light as she walked through into what was a sumptuous looking room. Bernie gasped and turned round to see a slightly nervous looking Serena still hovering in the doorway.

“Is it okay?” Serena asked shyly.

“It’s fabulous. You…you are the most devious woman..thank god.”

She snorted with laughter.

“You’re also a bloody good actor, I was convinced you were furious with me..even thought you might have driven off and abandoned me.”

She noticed that Serena hadn’t closed the door and was looking anxious.

“Come here,” she said softly, and meeting her halfway she pulled Serena into a fierce hug, reaching behind her to push the door closed.

Somehow, without completely loosing hold of each other, they managed to navigate the room to reach a sofa in front of a small log burner that had previously been lit, to provide a decent degree of warmth. Snuggled in close together Serena laid her head against Bernie’s upper chest and gave a huge sigh of relief.

“You have no idea how fraught I’ve been, trying to keep this a secret. I wanted to tell you but thought it would be more fun to keep you guessing.”

She pulled her head back as a low grumbling noise reverberated from Bernie’s throat, looking at her in surprise.

“But from that ‘growl’ I’m thinking now that I got it all wrong. Could have saved myself a lot of stress.”

Bernie bent her head to gently kiss her.

“That was more a growl of approval. The secrecy and teasing I find I don’t mind at all really…given how it’s turned out. So, shall we relax here for a bit? I want to reflect on how much thought you put into this.”

Serena smiled and snuggled back into Bernie. After a few moments of close contact and feeling Bernie’s arms gently stroking down her back, she started to softly kiss wherever she could reach bare skin, loving the sound of sharp little gasps whenever she placed her lips along Bernie’s jaw. She felt Bernie’s hand move up her body until her fingers were pushing through her short hair, and then it was Serena’s turn to gasp as the same fingers grabbed a handful and tugged, forcing her head backwards. For a second she was gazing into Bernie’s eyes that seemed bigger and darker than usual, and then Bernie’s mouth was covering her own with a demand and declaration that left Serena in no doubt about where she wanted this evening to go.

When they pulled apart Serena gave a soft moan as she pushed herself upwards to try and recapture the moment, but Bernie drew even further away as her hand stroked down Serena’s cheek to cup her chin. She gave a small smile before speaking.

“I know that you arranged all of this because you wanted me to understand that you were ready for us to take this further. But are you really ready? Or are you simply doing what you think _I _want?”

Serena sighed.

“Since you’ve known me, when have I ever done anything just because it’s what someone wants me to do? Nobility is all very well Bernie, but my libido is going to kick you in the ass if we don’t progress past kissing tonight.”

“In that case,” Bernie said as she extricated herself from their tangled limbs and stood up, holding out her hand to pull Serena to her feet as well, “how about we get ready to find out just how comfortable the bed here really is?”

Serena had already brought their bags in from the car, so Bernie offered to make use of the en-suite first, arguing that she was pretty certain she could be undressed and ready a lot faster than Serena. She felt the hairs on the back of her neck start to rise, but when Serena caught sight of Bernie’s raised eyebrow and innocent look, Serena rolled her eyes and acquiesced. Bernie grabbed her bag and disappeared into the bathroom whilst Serena stood in front of the small mirror over the chest of drawers to start removing her own make-up, having already unpacked her new nightwear. Butterflies started dancing wildly in her stomach, and when Bernie re-emerged less than five minutes later she could feel her legs shaking.

“All yours,” Bernie said brightly, dropping a quick kiss to the nape of Serena’s neck, adding in a low voice, “don’t be too long.”

Serena hoped it wasn’t too obvious from her stumbling gait that her legs felt as if they’d turned to jelly. She’d already taken in the rather delightful sight of those very long slender legs disappearing into a pair of sleep shorts, and even the loose fitting t-shirt that covered her upper body failed to hide the unfettered breasts beneath it. By the time she pushed the door to the en-suite closed she nearly sank to the floor, but managing to stretch her arms out to grasp the edge of the washbasin she stayed upright. Serena was under no illusions that this was very much what she wanted, but had failed to take into account just how exhausting it was to feel this way. Her heartbeat already felt quite erratic and she was scared that the first touch Bernie made _anywhere_ on her body would produce an almost instant orgasm.

She took her time and when she was finally ready to emerge she had at least got her breathing under control. She looked critically at her image in the mirror and was disappointed to see that the lumps and bumps she was so conscious of were definitely very evident. She shrugged her shoulders.

‘_Well, it’s not as if it’s going to be that much of a shock to her. I guess I just have to hope the reality doesn’t send her running for the hills.’_

She knew she had to get back into the room before Bernie sent in a search party.

‘_She’ll be wondering if there’s a window in here she hadn’t noticed,’ _and she almost snorted with laughter at the thought of Bernie barging in to find her wedged in a little window in a bid to escape.

Taking a deep breath she slowly opened the door.

Bernie _was_ getting worried. She felt as if she had been waiting for hours rather than minutes and her anxiety levels were prompting her to run. It was fortuitous that she was already undressed and had no independent means of transport or she may have been tempted. Then she saw the handle of the en-suite start to move and it was her turn to feel breathless at the sight of Serena walking shyly into their room, stopping after a couple of steps.

“Sorry I took so long,” Serena said with a nervous laugh. “I’m rather prone to overthinking things.”

Bernie took a couple of long strides over to her and gathered her into a warm embrace.

“You’re not the only one,” she mumbled into Serena’s hair. “We’re as hopeless as each other.”

She led Serena to the edge of the bed, and they both sat down.

“I’d planned this meticulously, thinking that it would be so romantic, whereas it just feels the opposite of that. Very strained and….unspontaneous.” Serena pulled a face. “If that’s even a word.”

Bernie took Serena’s hand and brought it to her lips, kissing each finger separately as she spoke.

“Then no expectations….let’s enjoy….simply being here….together…knowing we care…..about each other.”

She turned Serena’s hand over and kissed the palm before guiding it to cup the back of her head. Serena grasped a handful of blonde curls and pulled her roughly into a long fervent kiss that built upon the tendrils of desire they were both feeling. The throbbing between Serena’s legs made her almost afraid to move, and when Bernie lips met hers again with a soft, warm and breathless sigh, she gave a small whimper.

“Shall we make ourselves a little more comfortable?” Bernie whispered as they broke apart again, and Serena nodded.

She was pulled gently to her feet and Bernie reached past Serena to throw the bedclothes back before lowering her gently to the mattress, her head on the pillow, lifting her feet onto the bed. Hovering over her Bernie waited for Serena to open her eyes and look at her.

“You are so beautiful to me,” she whispered, and then she was kissing her again, open mouthed, her tongue teasing Serena’s lips until they parted willingly. As she pushed inside, Bernie lowered her whole body slowly on top of Serena, and was overjoyed to feel her arch upwards to meet her.

Serena thought (although she acknowledged that thinking wasn’t really her strong point at that moment) that the feeling of their tongues intertwining and the pressure of Bernie’s body on her own might be one of the most wonderful things she had ever experienced. She was no shrinking violet when it came to sex and had always enjoyed the physical side of any relationship, but she couldn’t recall that she had ever wanted anyone as much as she wanted Bernie right now. Unable to keep still she was rolling her hips against Bernie’s, her hands anchored around her neck as if clinging to a lifebuoy, and Bernie was having to brace her forearms either side of Serena’s head to keep her balance. She ultimately lost her ability to match her movements to Serena’s, and one leg fell to the side, the other one slipping between Serena’s thighs.

There was a strangled gasp as Serena slammed her head backwards, breaking their kiss, and her eyes flew open to see Bernie gazing at her with a small cheeky smile on her face.

“Is that hitting the spot then?” she asked as she moved her body forwards so that her upper leg pressed even harder against Serena’s sex.

“Oh, god Bernie,” Serena groaned, her fingernails now digging deep into the skin just above Bernie’s shoulder blades, and her body shuddered as she felt herself on the brink of an orgasm. Bernie moved slowly and gently to one side in an attempt to slow things down. She wanted to prolong this experience for as long as she could. Serena’s eyes had closed again, and Bernie was mesmerised by the flush on her cheeks, the shaky breaths she was taking causing her breasts to push against the silky material of her nightgown. She ran a finger under the slender strap nearest to her, easing it carefully over her shoulder so that she could place a kiss where it had been.

“You know, this is a very sexy nightgown,” Bernie murmured, “but I’m a little more interested in what lies beneath.” She trailed her fingertips down Serena’s arm, her thumb grazing along the curve of her breast, and she teased her tongue along the edge of the material that was clinging to her body.

“What say we remove it? Is that something you’d like me to do right now?”

Serena’s brain was reeling from so many sensations that she didn’t register she’d been asked a question at first. She blinked her eyes open with a puzzled look on her face, and then felt her cheeks go red as Bernie repeated her question.

“I…er..I..um….” Serena found that speaking coherently was going to be a problem.

Bernie’s voice was low and seductive.

“I want to see you…how your body will respond to my touch on your nipples, down your stomach,” she moved her mouth close to Serena’s ear and whispered softly, “and between your legs.”

The guttural growl that came from Serena was a noise she didn’t think she had ever made before, and forgetting all her fears of Bernie seeing her less than perfect body she urgently nodded, raising her arms above her head to make it easier. She felt Bernie’s hand clutch the edge of her nightgown and then it was sliding up her legs, and she raised her hips to assist its journey. Bernie paused as her hand rested against the small of Serena’s back, pushing her upright as the fabric continued its journey up and off her body. They were pressed closely together and Serena’s arms dropped around Bernie’s neck as she pulled her in, their lips meeting in an urgent passionate kiss. Bernie slowly lowered Serena back onto the bed and as their bodies parted Bernie watched with undisguised delight as she saw her shapely breasts for the first time.

“Do you have any idea how I felt when I saw your cleavage in that dress this evening? I don’t know how I managed to look anywhere else.”

She took hold of first one and then the other of Serena’s hands and raised them so they were resting above her head on the pillow. Serena had closed her eyes again, unwilling to look at Bernie directly as she gazed at her, feeling her whole upper body flush with a mixture of desire and embarrassment. Bernie’s gentle voice penetrated the sound of her own blood rushing through her ears.

“Look at me, please, S’rena.”

Although Bernie’s hands ached to touch her, she wanted, needed to know that Serena was still okay before she went any further, and with relief saw her eyes flicker open. She smiled gently at her, and then found herself struggling to find the words.

“Is this…are you alright?..I mean..do you feel..”

Seeing the tongue-tied surgeon above her, desperately seeking her approval to continue, helped Serena to find her own voice.

“I swear to god Bernie, if you stop now I may never speak to you again. Please.. do _something_…” her voice grew a little hoarse as she whispered, “you’ve hardly touched me and I’m… so close.”

That admission made Serena close her eyes again and when she felt Bernie’s hand cup her left breast she groaned as soft lips kissed down the swell towards her nipple. A warm mouth encompassed it and a velvet tongue licked upwards across it sending a shot of desire directly to her clit, making it throb. Serena whimpered like a baby as suddenly the hand and warmth was gone, only to be transferred to her right breast which caused exactly the same reaction.

Bernie could hardly stop herself from laughing with joy as she watched the area around Serena’s nipples darken and pucker and she briefly captured each one between her thumb and forefinger, rolling gently, eliciting another moan. She abandoned Serena’s breasts with reluctance, but she believed her when she said that she wouldn’t last much longer and Bernie would feel distraught if Serena climaxed in any other way than by her touch. She lay down alongside her to place a hand on Serena’s stomach, watching it twitch as she dragged her nails downwards to the dark triangle at the apex of her thighs.

Serena had the impression that Bernie’s fingers were trailing fire, and when they paused she couldn’t stop her hips bucking upwards in an effort to keep her moving down, but Bernie used the same hand to press her firmly down onto the bed. And then Bernie’s lips were on her own in a bruising sensual kiss as her hand returned to hover above the wiry curls. Fractionally pulling back Bernie breathed into Serena’s mouth saying ‘relax, relax’ over and over until Serena felt her thigh muscles unclench allowing her lover’s hand to gently slide between them. As she carefully cupped her, Bernie could feel the heat radiating from Serena’s centre and her middle finger slid effortlessly between her folds that were coated with the juices of arousal. Serena couldn’t help her legs from stiffening at the touch trapping Bernie’s hand, or the strangled cry that issued from her, forcing her eyelids open with the shock of feeling Bernie’s fingers there. Bernie gazed into eyes that were dark with lust and as they shuttered closed again she pulled her finger along the length of her sex offering the slightest increase in pressure as it skimmed over her clit. Bernie recently the action twice more, not bothering to stop Serena from thrusting to meet her as she did, and on the third pass she effortlessly slid her finger inside to feel a fluttering begin as Serena hovered on the brink. She pulled out slightly and then in again, still with just the one finger in spite of knowing that Serena was so wet she could have easily accommodated more, and as she did she pushed the heel of her hand firmly against the swollen nub, making Serena squeal. A few more thrusts and Serena’s whole body went rigid, her hands clutching onto Bernie as what felt like the sweetest orgasm she had ever experienced swept over her.

Bernie carefully withdrew her hand and Serena groaned at the loss, turning onto her side to nuzzle into Bernie’s neck as she attempted to bring her breathing under control.

“My god Bernie,” she panted. “Is it always like that when women…are with other… women?”

Bernie kissed her tenderly as she suppressed a small chuckle.

“I think, my sweet,” she said lovingly, “that it depends more on how you feel about the woman that you’re with, rather then _every_ woman. A fact I’m putting all my faith in.”

She captured Serena’s bottom lip between her teeth and nibbled at it.

“You could say I’m counting on it.”


	10. They continue to learn...with their hands

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Serena and Bernie both learn new things about themselves and each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It appears I can write porn faster than plot. Normal, slow service will be resumed very soon..

Chapter 10 : They continue to learn..with their hands

They stayed cuddled together for a little while, hands stroking up and down arms and legs, small kisses peppered over faces and lips and Serena found it refreshing not to be sharing a bed with someone whose ultimate goal was their own sexual gratification. She fervently hoped that Bernie was as turned on as she had been, and took her courage in both hands as she draped her arm around Bernie’s waist sliding her hand underneath the t-shirt to feel bare skin with her fingertips.

“I’m trying to work out why you are still wearing clothes,” she said teasingly. “I didn’t take you for the shy type.”

Bernie looked at her and blushed slightly.

“You’re right, I’m not normally. But this is different…and, I didn’t want you to feel that I’m expecting anything from you right now. If you want to go to sleep, that’s fine.”

“What I want right now is to see you naked,” Serena said in a low voice. “You wouldn’t deny me that..would you?”

Bernie shook her head and shot out of bed pulling her top off in one swift movement. As she hooked her fingers into the waistband of her shorts, Serena sat up in bed and said, “Stop…let me?”

Bernie’s throat constricted as her hand fell away nodding her agreement, and waited as Serena swung her legs out of bed, placing her hands gently around Bernie’s waist. They stared at each other for what seemed like eons, and Bernie felt her legs begin to quiver as Serena’s eyes travelled downwards, pausing as she took in the sight of her breasts. They were smaller than Serena’s own and she noticed with delight that the nipples were already standing proud, as if begging Serena to touch them. Serena felt her own buttocks clench with the thought of taking possession of them with her mouth and her hands around Bernie’s waist tightened in response, pulling her fractionally closer. It both delighted and scared her that she was having such a visceral response to another woman’s body. She slowly, tantalisingly slowly, grasped the only piece of clothing left on Bernie’s body and began to drag it down over her hips. As the first glimpse of pubic hair she stopped again and looked up at Bernie’s face with a small knowing smile on her face, and Bernie had to put both her hands onto Serena’s shoulders, uncertain as to how much longer her legs would hold her up. Serena leant forwards to place a soft kiss on her lower belly and felt Bernie’s fingers dig almost painfully into her flesh. She continued pulling the shorts downwards until they were around Bernie’s ankles and it was the work of a moment for Bernie to kick them to one side. Running her hands up the back of Bernie’s legs towards her waist again caused Bernie’s legs to buckle, and Serena steadied her by grasping her backside firmly.

“Easy tiger,” she said and tugged her even closer until her face was buried in Bernie’s carefully trimmed pubes as she took a deep, shuddering breath.

“You smell wonderful,” she murmured, as she moved her head back, “but you seem to be shivering rather a lot. Maybe you should get back into bed.”

As she moved to give her room, Bernie sank gratefully back onto the mattress, her breath coming in shaky gasps as she realised that Serena Campbell, for all her novice lesbian status, was playing her like a fiddle. She felt Serena’s hand rest flat on her stomach before she began to rub in small circular motions that briefly brought her into contact with the underside of her breasts. Propped up on one elbow, Serena kissed Bernie just behind her earlobe, making her squirm.

“To my eyes you appear to have the figure of a very fit thirty something,” she whispered. “Do you think if _I_ did some basic army training that my body could look like yours, or do you have another explanation?”

Bernie mumbled something incoherently.

“Sorry, you need to speak louder,” Serena teased, her hand continuing its caress. “I seem to remember a suggestion not too long ago that I might be suffering some hearing loss.”

Bernie groaned and tried again.

“I’m just…lucky I guess…good genes?”

Serena’s brain was suddenly filled with an image of Bernie’s lower body encased in those skin tight jeans, and the fun to be had in peeling them down, exposing her firm backside, and she swallowed noisily.

“Yes..right,” she said breathlessly. “Well that’s a relief…never was too keen on working out.”

Bernie grinned, suddenly aware that the tables had turned slightly for whatever reason, and it was Serena now struggling to maintain her composure. She turned her head to look at Serena’s flushed face and raised an eyebrow.

“Maybe I’ll be able to change your opinion of work-outs before the night is over,” she said cheekily, and then yelped as Serena’s hand flew down to pinch the curve of her buttock where it rested on the mattress.

“That’s highly presumptuous of you to say. I let you know my feeling on the matter in the morning. Now…where was I?”

Serena’s hand returned to Bernie’s midriff, but this time she accompanied it with a series of kisses, growing gradually longer and more ardent. As Bernie’s lips parted, her tongue eager to explore, Serena’s hand moved up her torso until it was fondling one soft pliant breast. And when her fingers rubbed over a very prominent nipple, Bernie moaned softly into the warm cavern of Serena’s mouth.

“You like that do you?”

Serena’s voice had taken on a honeyed tone and she was overcome to know that she was the cause of the constant stream of whimpers issuing from her strong army major. Bernie had heard the question, but figured and hoped it was rhetorical, because the pleasure centres in her brain were overriding anything else. She was pleased on some level to know she was right, as the mouth she recently had such intimate knowledge of suddenly encompassed the same nipple. The tongue that had been intertwined with her own was now flicking backwards and forwards, sending the most exquisite messages shooting down her body to nestle between her legs where they pulsed and quivered. She barely registered that Serena’s hand had moved to stroke and cosset her other breast until her lips transferred over too and she groaned, loudly, both from frustration born of loss and the bliss of fresh impulses causing her clit to twitch. Bernie brought her hand up to try and hold Serena’s head in place when she felt it lifting away but to no avail, and she moaned softly at the loss. She opened her eyes to see Serena staring at her with a smirk on her face.

“Well, I feel I could have won a lot more arguments on AAU if I’d known that I could reduce you to this state,” she said.

Bernie’s eyes narrowed to almost slits.

“Too much talking..”

Serena leant down to kiss her gently.

“You’re not the only one who can tease you know.”

She kissed her again as her hand found Bernie’s right nipple that she rolled and pulled at, until the squirming of Bernie’s hips became so strong, that their mouths broke apart.

“They’re really sensitive aren’t they?” Serena observed with a sense of wonder and bent her head to kiss and suck each one while her hands gripped Bernie’s hips in an effort to keep her pinned to the bed.

“You have no idea…” croaked Bernie, who was beginning to understand that Serena the lover was also quite the talker. Which was fine, as long as she didn’t expect or assume that Bernie would be capable of coherent replies. As Serena realised this she gave one last kiss to each breast and traced a path with her lips back up to Bernie’s neck.

“Sorry for all the questions,” she murmured, “this is all so new and I want to make sure you’re happy with everything I do. I promise I’ll get better, if you decide this is something you want to do again.”

With eyes so dark that Serena could barely see their real colour, Bernie coaxed her voice into use again as she brought her hand up to stroke Serena’s face.

“You are doing fine…_more_ than fine, believe me. But right now I need you to…” she grabbed Serena’s hand and placed it low on her belly, “use actions, not words.”

A light bulb pinged on in Serena’s brain and her eyes widened.

“Ah, you mean you want me to..?”

Bernie groaned. “Yes, that’s _exactly _what I mean.”

Serena felt her heart thump with anticipation and not a small amount of apprehension. Finding out that you have an appreciation of women’s, well _one_ woman’s body, is startling in itself, and it’s not as if she hadn’t pleasured herself many times, so what she was about to do wasn’t exactly stepping into the unknown. Except it was.

Bernie watched as a range of emotions flitted over Serena’s face and she felt panic rising in her chest as it occurred to her that she might have pushed her too soon, and that this was a step she wasn’t ready for. She needed to put this right so reached for Serena’s hand that was still resting where she had placed it and lifted it slowly, lacing her fingers through hers.

“Lie down,” she said softly. “Just for a moment…next to me.”

Serena blinked in confusion, but did as she asked, slightly bewildered and momentarily lost for words.

Making sure that the duvet was pulled over both of them and angling herself so that she was looking at Serena, Bernie took a deep breath.

“It’s fine, you know, if you don’t want to take this any further..tonight. There’s no duty involved to..feel as if you _have _just because..”

She felt herself turn a little pink, talking a little faster.

“I’ve no experience to speak of at this, I just knew I found you extremely attractive, and I couldn’t believe my luck when it seemed as if you felt the same. And for me, this has already been beyond my dreams so I’m not asking for anything more. I...”

Her voice faded as it dawned on her that if Serena _was_ having doubts, then maybe they had moved too fast and any relationship, including their working relationship was now going to be extremely uncomfortable, if not impossible. She was so lost in a downward spiral of thoughts that for a few moments she didn’t realise that Serena was speaking.

“Bernie, Bernie..it’s okay, I promise it’s okay. Bernie! Please look at me…”

Serena put her hand on Bernie’s shoulder and gave it a little shake. She wasn’t sure what was going on in her head, but she could see that some sort of shutter had come down and she was inwardly cursing herself for her earlier hesitation. There was still no real response so Serena did the only thing she could think of to get Bernie’s attention. Raising herself up onto one arm she leant over to Bernie and kissed her. A soft kiss, nothing demanding about it, delicate but enough that Bernie could feel the warmth of her breath before she moved away. She opened her eyes to look at Serena and made a small movement towards her. Serena kissed her again, but this time it was more...she kissed her as if she wanted to be kissed in return. It was still gentle and yet hot and breathy, not trying to win any sort of battle but seeking a union, a closeness that Bernie couldn’t help but respond to. When they broke apart Serena was gently smiling as she pushed her hand through the hair surrounding Bernie’s face.

“I didn’t stop because I didn’t want to touch you, I was merely worried I wouldn’t get it right for you, that I wouldn’t be good enough…I was just over-thinking it.”

She rubbed her nose against Bernie’s in a sort of Eskimo kiss, before laying her head back on the pillow.

“Something I’m beginning to think we are both guilty of..hmm?

Bernie nodded shyly, but when Serena moved closer to begin to stroke across her waist again she found her voice.

“Firstly, I can’t imagine how you could disappoint me, whatever you chose to do. Anytime you touch me anywhere feels so right just because it’s _you._ But…I think perhaps we’ve both had enough new experiences for one night and that we should get some rest.”

Serena started to protest, saying it wasn’t fair, but Bernie put her finger onto Serena’s lips to silence her.

“We’re both tired, and everything else can wait. I’ll still be here in the morning.”

Serena still looked as if she wanted to argue and yet there was a sort of twisted logic to what Bernie was saying. Making a few grumbling noises, she merely rolled her eyes to register that she wasn’t entirely happy but on this occasion she would concede, which in itself made Bernie relax a little, knowing that Serena Campbell rarely allowed herself to be bested. She encouraged Serena to turn onto her side facing away from her and then scooted close enough to be able to rest a hand against her back and for their feet to be touching. Not exactly spooning, but maintaining sufficient contact to hopefully make Serena aware that she was going nowhere. Emotionally exhausted they may have been, but nerve endings were still fizzing, so it took them both a little longer to submit to sleep. Not quite in each other’s arms but as near as they could hope for.

The side of Bernie’s head by her ear felt warm, and vaguely moist, as she struggled to rouse herself from a dream she couldn’t quite grasp hold of but knew had been deeply unsettling. Turning her head to the side she finally focused on the beautiful and very close features of Serena, who, still sleeping, was sending little puffs of air in her direction. She gave a small sigh, as pieces of her dream started to return, the most vivid of which had been her chasing but never catching up with the woman she was sharing a bed with. Lying on her back she stared at the ceiling and closed her eyes in frustration. Last night had started out so well, and her discovery of Serena’s body had been glorious, everything she could have hoped for until…she gave another sigh, slightly longer and louder. She wriggled carefully towards the edge of the bed, trying her best not to wake Serena, but only got as far as sitting upright looking around for any of her nightwear when she heard a gravelly voice from behind her.

“What’s wrong? Where are you going…?” There was a small pause. “Get back here, you’re making me cold just looking at you.”

Bernie suppressed a grin at the commanding tone in Serena’s voice. Anyone would think she was the ex-army officer here and for a few seconds became lost in a world where their paths had crossed in the military world and how their meeting might have played out in another environment. She was brought back to earth by another peevish comment from the person beside her.

“Are you even listening to me? Get back in bed!”

Bernie half turned her head as she replied.

“I’m looking for my shorts and t-shirt because I need the loo, thank you very much,” and she bent down to grab something from the floor before standing to put on her shorts, giving Serena a good look at her very squeezable backside as she trotted towards the en-suite.

“Well don’t take long,” Serena called after her, still sounding grumpy. “You’re not the only one with a full bladder.”

She sat up, pulling the duvet close to her body, as she too scanned the floor for the nightgown she had been wearing the previous evening. She knew that Bernie had already seen her naked body, and she had to admit she had been surprised at how quickly she had forgotten to be self-conscious about it, in the throes of passion. But somehow, in the pale light of morning, and given that things hadn’t ended quite as well as they’d started, she felt nervous all over again about exposing her wobbly bits to Bernie’s gaze. When the door to the bathroom opened she had her modesty covered, and was seated on the edge of the bed jiggling her legs to take her mind off how much she needed the toilet. Jumping to her feet, she rushed past her with a muttered “thank god” barely taking in the fact that Bernie was still topless. She managed to yell one more instruction to ‘_get back in bed’ _before slamming the door behind her.

Bernie stood for a moment, somewhat bemused. She had been considering getting dressed straight away, but she should have guessed that Serena would want to address the previous evening head on. After retrieving and putting on the missing t-shirt from the other side of the bed she slid under the duvet and sat, hugging her knees until Serena returned.

“What time do we need to check out?” Bernie asked as Serena walked over to the bed. Serena looked at her, one eyebrow raised as she climbed in beside her.

“Not quite the greeting I was hoping for,” she said somewhat sarcastically. “Good morning to you too, and you in answer to your question, not until midday.”

Bernie flushed with embarrassment.

“I’m sorry…. Can I start again?”

At Serena’s nod she took a deep breath and tried to clear her mind of most of her anxieties.

“Hello you,” and she nudged her shoulder against Serena’s. “Did you sleep well?”

Serena’s head rested briefly against Bernie’s.

“Not as well as I’d hoped.”

Bernie cleared her throat.

“And er..why was that do you suppose?”

They both knew the answer but didn’t really want to be the one to say it out loud.

“Well, I had hoped for a slightly more…satisfying end to the evening…considering how well it had started.”

Bernie fudged the issue once again throwing the ball back into Serena’s court.

“Um, in what way do you mean?”

Serena’s eyes took on a dangerous glint as she turned her head to look at Bernie’s profile.

“Berenice bloody Wolfe, will you just look at me and then try to act as if you don’t know what I’m referring to! It was _your_ decision after all.”

Bernie gritted her teeth and swivelled her head towards Serena, with her eyes shut tightly. After a couple of deep breaths she opened them slowly, and felt herself blush again.

“You mean about me calling a… a halt to things?”

Bernie’s eye contact was already slipping away and Serena took pity on her. She put her hands on Bernie’s shoulders to prevent her from turning and pressed a shy, but not chaste kiss to her lips. She felt Bernie shoulders relax and Serena’s stomach did a little flip as she felt Bernie’s hands slide around her waist as she slowly deepened the kiss. When they pulled back a few moments later they were both breathing rather raggedly, and instinctively they rested their foreheads together.

“Sorry,” said Bernie a little shakily, “I really felt it was for the best.”

Serena gave a wobbly smile, “I know. Look, do you mind if we lie down again, I’m feeling a little chilly.”

She slid herself down under the duvet and Bernie followed suit. They kissed again, almost lazily, and Serena placed her hand on Bernie’s hip, pulling her a bit closer.

“I understand that your very annoying noble side decided I wasn’t ready to…. but you have to remember that I’m not a woman who can be coerced into anything I don’t feel comfortable with. Never have been. I enjoy sex, I hope you saw and felt that last night.”

Serena couldn’t stop the slight blush that crept over her cheeks and the warmth between her legs as she recalled the feeling of Bernie’s fingers.

“I’m not saying you were wrong but…. oh, I don’t know. It did seem like a big step, but it should have been _my _decision because I was willing to take it. A step I still definitely _want _to take.”

Before she could say anything else Bernie, who had raised herself up, launched at Serena. Her lips fastened over Serena’s preventing any further talk and Serena surrendered willingly to a kiss that started off roughly but soon turned into a sweet and tender declaration of Bernie’s feelings. Serena felt all the desires that had burned within her last night return with a vengeance, and her hand that had been holding Bernie’s hip pushed up underneath her t-shirt to press against bare skin, forcing their bodies even closer. As the kiss petered out with lots of little nips to each other’s lips, Serena gave a shaky laugh.

“I take it that you are now in agreement with me?” she said somewhat breathlessly. Bernie didn’t say anything, just looked at her as her hand moved up to palm one of Serena’s breasts through her nightgown, feeling the nipple harden under her touch. Serena sucked some air in over her teeth with a shudder, but moving faster than Bernie could have anticipated she manoeuvred herself up forcing Bernie back onto the bed.

“Nice try, Ms Wolfe, but this morning I intend to finish what I started last night. And first things first… you need to lose the clothes.”

She sat right back and stared hard at Bernie, raising an eyebrow when she didn’t move immediately to comply. Bernie was still trying to work out how the tables had been turned so swiftly, but instantly recognising the look that Serena was giving her as one that would brook no argument, she obeyed the order. Serena’s heart was pounding as Bernie’s body came into view, those surprisingly youthful looking breasts with their large nipples, the flat stomach that she couldn’t help but envy and the trimmed pubic hair making a neat triangle that pointed to where Serena fully intended to be before long. As Bernie began to lay back down, Serena found her voice again and asked her to lie on her front, and after a single hitched breath Bernie did as she was asked. Serena’s eyes roamed over the slender figure in front of her and came to a halt at what was possibly (in Serena’s opinion) Bernie’s best feature. She could now freely admit to herself how often she had watched Bernie walk away from her across the ward, her eyes firmly fixed on that backside. She loved Bernie’s skin tight jeans for showing off her legs, but her rear, when encased in scrubs that pulled tantalisingly taut when she bent over a patient…..

Serena was brought back to the present with a jolt as she heard Bernie muttering, her voice slightly muffled by the pillow.

“Sorry, what?”

“I said it’s a little unfair if you get to keep your nightclothes on, while I’m naked….and your body does help turn me on you know.”

Serena forgot about her earlier worries of feeling self-conscious in her current state of lusting after Bernie, and she quickly drew the nightgown over her head before resuming her study of the view in front of her. She gently trailed her fingers down Bernie’s spine, stopping as she reached the swell of her gluteus maximus, transferring her hand right down to Bernie’s ankles. She stroked up first one leg and then the other, this time stopping where the dark cleft between her thighs started. She smiled smugly as she heard Bernie mutter “Jesus, Serena” and saw her buttocks clench in anticipation of her next move. She bent her head and placed a soft kiss on each cheek in turn, feeling them quiver as she did, resisting the temptation (this time) to administer a swift slap. She ordered Bernie to turn over once again and she moved back up the bed to rest on one arm so she was looking down her. She noticed with pleasure the smile that spread over Bernie’s face as she took in the sight of Serena’s body, and felt her own desire build as Bernie reached out a hand to squeeze the breast closest to her.

“Don’t distract me,” Serena said weakly, trying to bat the hand away, noticing the twinkle in Bernie’s eye as she saw the effect she had generated. Serena closed her eyes briefly as Bernie’s thumb caressed her nipple, mentally shaking her head as she felt a warmth gathering between her legs. She managed to grab Bernie’s wrist and pushed her arm back to lie next to her head on the pillow.

“Unfair,” she hissed, “this is _my _turn.”

She glared at Bernie until she saw a fractional nod of her head, at which point she let her wrist go, and placing a brief kiss by her ear, she whispered “good girl” in a voice that made Bernie feel she was being very, very naughty.

Serena kissed her way down Bernie’s neck until her lips reached the edge of the scar between her breasts. She glanced up at her face, and seeing nothing to indicate that Bernie wasn’t happy she brought her finger up and gently traced it along the raised skin, startled to see her hand shake when she thought about how she may never have met this woman. She placed another kiss at the end of her finger’s journey and with a growing smile turned her scrutiny to Bernie’s breasts, watching how the rise and fall of them was becoming a little laboured under her gaze. She had found out last night just how sensitive they were and as much as she had enjoyed those minutes giving them such close attention she didn’t want to waste too much time there this morning.

Bernie was now in a state of almost delirium as her body ached for Serena’s touch and she pushed herself a few centimetres upwards as if offering herself, whimpering as she felt Serena’s hand brush against the side of her breast as she pushed her back down. Taking pity on her Serena stroked all around each breast in turn before drawing first one nipple and then the other into her mouth pressing each against the roof with her tongue before letting it go with a tiny flick at the tip.

She let her hand caress its way down her stomach, noting with utter joy that Bernie’s legs were twitching with expectation and that they had moved fractionally apart to afford her better access. Not wanting to cause any doubt this time, Serena tugged gently on the dark curls and slid three fingers down between her thighs to rest over the swollen, and distinctly damp labia. She was suddenly overcome with a desire to see her sex and knelt up, pulling Bernie’s legs further apart so that she could put her knees either side of one of them. Bernie’s eyes flew open at the move and she saw Serena grinning happily as she slowly pushed her fingers through her outer folds, withdrawing them almost immediately to look at the evidence of Bernie’s arousal glistening on her fingertips. The sudden loss of touch made Bernie give a low guttural moan and Serena’s attention snapped up to her face, their eyes locking as she waived her fingers in the air with a look of awe.

“_I _can make you feel this…turned on? Really?”

Bernie took a shuddering breath and nodded. “You have no idea..” she panted. “Serena…please?”

With shining eyes Serena turned her focus back and once again slid her three fingers effortlessly in to rest at the entrance to her vagina which made Bernie’s back arch, and the leg that Serena was straddling pushed upwards until the sole of her foot was flat on the mattress. The sudden movement had propelled Serena forwards parting her own swollen labia as she was pressed against Bernie’s thigh, and a small “oh” escaped her lips as she felt herself throb at the pressure. Swallowing hard she refocused as she moved her fingers slowly up the length of Bernie’s sex, and was rewarded with a small squeak as her fingers ran lightly over her clit. She dragged them back down, wanting to push at least one finger inside, but her nerve failed her at the last moment fearing she might hurt her somehow in her eagerness. She brushed back up transferring some of Bernie’s own wetness placing two of her fingers either side of clitoris while the third pushed against it making Bernie raise her hips to meet Serena’s hand. Serena soon got into a rhythm stroking back and forth over the extremely sensitive bundle of nerves and Bernie’s hand shot out to grasp Serena’s hip as she felt her orgasm building. Serena brain was so full of the sight of Bernie’s whole body starting to tremble that she hadn’t really noticed that Bernie’s thigh was causing a similar reaction in herself. Mere seconds after she had witnessed Bernie stiffen, her head pressed back onto the pillow as a rosy hue spread spread down from her face to her waist, she also orgasmed, completely unexpectedly, against Bernie’s thigh, liberally coating it with her juices. She fell forwards, swivelling her hips at the last moment to finish half resting on the bed and half on Bernie, as a breathy “fuck!” escaped her lips. They both lay there still twitching from aftershocks for a while, until Bernie, regaining the use of her limbs first, snaked an arm around Serena’s waist to pull her as close as she could.

“Bloody hell Campbell,” she muttered breathlessly into her hair, “that was… very, _very _good.”

When Serena didn’t respond Bernie bent her head to see if she was alright and was thankful to see a small, if slightly embarrassed, smile on her face.

“Are you sure? I mean, I.. I hope it was.” Her voice grew stronger. “I didn’t plan for me to come as well you know. I’m afraid your leg might be in a bit of a state.”

Bernie couldn’t help the snort of laughter that escaped from her, and she pulled Serena’s arm around herself so they were now face to face. She kissed her forehead, the tip of her nose and then her lips.

“If you recall where your fingers were a moment ago,” she whispered, “I’d say it’s more than my leg that is in need of a shower.”

Serena found herself blushing under Bernie’s soft gaze which Bernie thought was adorable and she kissed her once again.

“That’s where I’m headed now…is it too soon to ask if you’d care to join me?”

Serena felt her sex twitch at the thought, but nodded regretfully, not sure if her legs would be strong enough to hold her up if she was pressed close to Bernie within the confines of a shower cubicle.

“Perhaps that’s an experience for another time. I’ll wait until you’re finished if you don’t mind? I’m still feeling a little..wobbly.”

Grazing her lips over Serena’s, Bernie pushed herself out of bed and disappeared into the en-suite while Serena lay on her back listening to the shower spring into life and her mind started to roam with images of the water pouring down over Bernie’s delectable body…

She sat upright with a jolt, her heart beating rapidly and desire already returning to her belly. She needed to get some sort of control over her libido, and fast, otherwise looking at Bernie within the confines of their office or across a patient’s bed was going to become a whole other problem.


	11. The best laid plans...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a filler chapter, and I hope it manages to keep you interested. It shows how bubbles always burst when least expected.

Chapter 11 : The best laid plans…

Serena was startled out of her reverie by her phone ringing. Looking around rapidly to try and remember where she had put it down last night she was trying to think who on earth would be calling her this early on a Sunday morning. When she finally caught sight of it tucked into the back of the sofa seat, whoever had been ringing had already either rung off or her answerphone had kicked in, and the temptation to leave it at that was very strong. Especially as she knew it wouldn’t be long before Bernie came out of the shower, and she was rather hoping to continue their…conversation. But her innate sense of duty overrode that, and the worry that she might be needed somewhere made her pick it up to check the caller id. Two things surprised her when she did. One was that it was already nearly 9 o’clock, and the second was that the call was from Elinor. Biting her lip with anxiety she quickly rang back, and after only a few seconds she heard the annoyed tones of her daughter at the other end.

“Mother, at last! Where the hell are you? I’ve already phoned the hospital and they’ve confirmed you’re not on duty so why aren’t you at home?”

Serena took a deep breath before replying, already slightly reassured by Elinor’s tone that there was no life threatening urgency. She was distracted momentarily by Bernie emerging from the en-suite wrapped in a rather fluffy but short towel, and shrugging her shoulders in apology, she turned her attention back to her daughter.

“Ellie darling, how are you? I assume that you’re at home, so when did you arrive?” Serena gave a half laugh. “Please tell me I hadn’t forgotten you were coming when I arranged a short break away from Holby?”

Elinor’s voice took on the whiny petulant tone that Serena was only too familiar with.

“No, I didn’t tell you I was coming to visit, I thought I’d surprise you seeing how you’re always complaining you never see or hear from me these days. And lo and behold you’re not here. Why didn’t you tell me you were planning a weekend away. I could have saved myself the cost of the train fare.”

Part of Serena wanted to scream at her that she had a life too, she didn’t just sit at home on the off chance that Elinor would pop in, but restrained herself to a sigh of frustration.

“I’m sorry, perhaps I _should_ have told you my plans, but you come home so rarely these days it didn’t even cross my mind. At the risk of repeating myself when exactly did you arrive?”

“Last night around 9.30. There was hardly anything in the fridge, I had to make do with beans on toast!”

Serena could almost see the pout that was undoubtedly on her face right now, and she was thankful that she hadn’t got around to replenishing her wine rack.

“I went to bed around 10.30 thinking you’d simply gone out with Siân or some of your Holby cronies. I must have dropped off pretty quickly, so when I awoke this morning to find you hadn’t come home I began to get worried. And there’s no milk to even make a cup of tea!”

Bernie had been hovering by the bed, not sure whether or not to get dressed, but as she listened to Serena’s half of the conversation and her exasperated tone, she decided it was probably best if she did.

“Oh for heaven’s sake Elinor, I’m sure you’re quite capable of walking to the garage on the corner of Barnes Hill to pick up a pint of milk. I’m sorry if you were worried, but at least now you know I’m okay.”

She risked looking in Bernie’s direction, thinking how she was actually _more _than okay.

“How long are you planning to stay? I could take you out for something to eat when I get back, if you’d like?”

“Well that depends how long you’re likely to be as I’m intending to head back later. I don’t know where you are _or_ who you’re with. Oh god, please don’t tell me Robbie the Bobby has wormed his way back into your bed?”

Serena felt herself blush and started to rub her hand around her neck, trying not to focus on the fact that Bernie was stood a few feet away clad in only her bra and pants.

“I’m in a small hotel in Kingham in the Cotswolds, so I could be back in a couple of hours, after I’ve showered and dressed. And not that it’s any of your business really, but no, I’m not with Robbie.”

She heard Elinor make a small scoffing sound.

“So there’s someone new on the scene?” There was even a hint of admiration in her daughter’s voice as she continued. “I swear you have had more boyfriends or hook-ups, than _I_ have in the last twelve months. Is it worth my even learning his name?”

Serena could feel her irritation building, this wasn’t a conversation she wanted to have over the phone, especially when the person in question was in the same room, trying to pretend she wasn’t listening.

“Look Ellie, all these questions are just delaying me even more. We can discuss things when I get back, if you decide you can be bothered to wait for me. And for your information, I don’t have to justify how or who I spend my free time with, to anyone. Understand?”

Elinor looked at her phone and frowned. She was used to her mother being annoyed with her, it was something she’d grown to expect over the years, but she rarely sounded as defensive as she did right now. She gave a small sigh, and when she replied, Serena thought she sounded a little nervous and vulnerable.

“Yes, of course I’ll wait. I actually did come home to just see you, in case you don’t believe me.”

As usual, Elinor had succeeded in making Serena feel guilty that she wasn’t as caring as a mother should be. Her voice softened.

“Thank you, I do believe you. I’m sorry if you thought I didn’t. I’ll be back as soon as possible, I promise.” She was about to ring off when she relented slightly. Lowering her voice even more she said, “The question you asked before, about a name..it’s Bernie.”

Cutting the connection Serena looked at Bernie, who was now fully dressed, and gave a small shrug as she began to apologise all over again.

“This isn’t the way I wanted today to finish. I’d planned on us having lunch together and I’d even asked if this room might be available tonight too, if we both wanted it.”

Bernie raised her eyebrows as she walked over to Serena pulling her to her feet, so she could give her a brief hug.

“On a school night? I hate to think what time we’d need to get up tomorrow morning to be sure of arriving in time for our shifts. Not to mention having to get home to change first.”

She saw Serena’s crestfallen look as she pointed out the obvious flaw in her plan and she peered at her from under her fringe

“But then I suspect Serena Campbell always does like a challenge.”

They smiled affectionately at each other and Serena dipped her head in acknowledgment of her words. Bernie’s arms around Serena tightened as she gathered her even closer.

“It’s fine, honestly. My expectations for our date have already been wildly exceeded. Your daughter requires your attention right now far more than I do.”

She gave Serena a small, almost chaste kiss before letting her go.

“You go and shower and get dressed while I go in search of decent coffee and something quick to eat.”

So Serena sorted out some clothes from her case and headed for the en-suite as Bernie went to find sustenance. When she returned fifteen minutes later with a tray bearing two coffees, some fruit and a couple of Danish pastries, Serena was dressed and packing things back into her overnight case. She moved to sit by the table where Bernie had put their breakfast down, and taking a long drink she looked gratefully at her.

“I’m only dashing away because..well, it’s unlike Ellie to seem so needy to see _me_. If it’s just cash she wants she knows she can always go to her father. He finds that easy, gets him into her good books without ever having to expend too much energy. Anything involving other people’s emotions or problems and he doesn’t have a clue.”

Bernie made a sympathetic noise and laid her hand out on the sofa between them for Serena to hold.

“And I was being totally honest when I said it’s fine, I understand. When Charlotte was so ill, Marcus was there with me physically, but mentally we were miles apart. He spent most of the time laying as much blame as he could at my door because it happened while I was out of the country.” She grimaced slightly. “There was no question of blame, but it still got to me.”

Finishing her coffee she stood up.

“So come on, let’s get going so you can get home and stop worrying. Or at least be there to help sort things out.”

In less than thirty minutes they were on their way and were on the outskirts of Holby much quicker than either had expected.

Serena switched off the music they had been listening to and turned her head fractionally in Bernie’s direction.

“I’ll drop you home first,” she said, and Bernie interrupted before she could say anything else.

“No need.” she replied firmly. “It’ll only take me a short while to jog back to mine, so just drive straight home. Elinor’s waiting for you.”

Serena patted Bernie’s thigh to show her thanks, and when she pulled onto her drive Bernie was out of her seat as quickly as possible, to get to back of the car to retrieve her bag. Fearing that she would trot off before she got to say anything else, Serena also scrambled out just as Bernie reached up to close the boot. She put out her hand to stop her.

“Hang on, I need to get my stuff out as well.”

Bernie smiled and pointed to the floor where she had placed Serena’s case, making Serena sigh.

“My BMAM strikes again.” She touched Bernie’s hand with her fingertips and she responded by threading their fingers together.

“I wish we didn’t have to say goodbye right now. You could pop in and meet my daughter, if you wanted to?”

Bernie gave her head a gentle shake.

“I don’t think that would be a great idea. I might be wrong but I imagine that Elinor has enough on her mind without also learning that her mother has just spent the night with a woman. There’ll be plenty of time for _that_ conversation.”

Serena tightened her grip on Bernie’s hand and pulled her back round to the drivers side, between the car and a tall hedge, hoping they were a little hidden from the pavement. She smoothed her other hand down Bernie’s arm, looking at her rather coyly.

“At the risk of repeating myself, I’ve had a wonderful time. I can’t remember the last time I…I’ve felt so… thank you.”

Bernie’s smile grew a little wider as Serena struggled to express herself, and she pushed her firmly against the side of the car.

“It’s a good job you don’t need words to tell me that.”

Her free hand slid down the curve of Serena’s hip, travelling right round until it was cupping Serena’s backside, pulling their bodies closer together, making Serena gasp. She let go of Bernie’s other hand to bring both of her own up to grasp the back of Bernie’s head pulling her into a deep tender kiss, which made them both moan appreciatively. Their bodies were moving against one another, and as Bernie felt desire build she regretfully pulled herself away. Taking a steadying breath she spoke quietly into Serena’s ear.

“We’ll see each other tomorrow at work, and it won’t be ideal, but I’m sure we can find a bit of time to talk about things..to arrange another date?”

Serena saw the hesitant look that Bernie was giving her and nodded her head, managing to sneak in a couple more soft kisses before she too moved away.

“Okay. See you tomorrow.”

Bernie threw her backpack over her shoulder and walked swiftly down the drive, pausing to give a small salute before she disappeared from view. Serena bent down to retrieve her bag, and checking that the car was locked she headed for the house. She was just about to put the key into the lock when the door opened abruptly and she nearly fell into the hall. Clutching at the door jamb to steady herself, Serena was treated to Elinor’s back as she marched back into the lounge.

Trying to regain her equilibrium Serena called after her.

“Thank you sweetheart, I’m so sorry you’ve had to wait for me.” After leaving her shoes and case in the hallway she followed her into the front room.

“So, have you decided where you’d like to go for lunch? Or would you prefer a take-out?”

To say that she was startled by her daughter’s expression when she turned round to face her would be an understatement, but the words that were shouted at her left her momentarily speechless.

“Bernie is a WOMAN? How long were you going to hide that little nugget of information? How long has that been going on? No men interested enough in you so you thought you’d see how the other half lived?”

Elinor whirled back around so all Serena could see was her back. Stunned though she was, Serena wasn’t about to let that go.

“If you want an answer, I’m going to insist you at least afford me the courtesy of facing me.” Serena’s tone was very measured as she tried to hide how much her daughter’s outburst had affected her.

Elinor, her arms crossed around her body, slowly turned around, and rather than the angry glare or sullen look Serena was expecting, she could see that she appeared to be genuinely upset. Serena sat on the sofa and patted the seat next to her, and Ellie finally moved to sit stiffly beside her.

“I’m not quite sure why you’re so angry, I promise you I wasn’t trying to hide anything.”

Ellie scoffed.

“So why didn’t you tell me when I was talking to you this morning. I asked if there was new man in your life and you deliberately avoided the question. You knew the name Bernie was very ambiguous, and who is she anyway?”

“The reason I didn’t elaborate was because she was in the same room. I didn’t want to embarrass her… or myself, and _she _is my co-lead on AAU.”

“What? The army one…Major something or other?”

Serena rolled her eyes.

“Yes, Bernie Wolfe.” She paused briefly. “I take it you saw her get out of the car?”

It was Elinor’s turn to roll her eyes.

“Yes. And everything that followed. No chance you could tell me it was simply two co-workers having a getaway to de-stress after that little performance.”

Serena felt her cheeks redden, but she wasn’t going to be made to feel that any of it was wrong.

“I’m sorry if it upsets you to find out your mother isn’t 100% heterosexual, believe me, I’m as taken aback as anyone, but I’m not going to apologise for it. I wouldn’t have chosen this way to tell you, but I can’t alter it now.” She reached out to take hold of one of Ellie’s hands.

“I..like her..a lot. And this was the first time we’ve..done anything about it.”

Elinor screwed up her face in disgust.

“Eww. Too much information thank you. So you’re telling me this isn’t just some mid-life crisis you’re going through? Because it seems like it to me.”

Serena’s mind froze for a moment as she considered her daughter’s words.

‘_Could she be right? Is this coming from a place where I dread growing old…alone?’_

She mentally shook herself, knowing that even if there was the tiniest element of truth in it, she was not going to deny what last night and this morning meant to her, how right it had felt when Bernie kissed her and when she….

“Mom, Mom…are you listening? Good god, I might as well have gone to see dad if I wanted to be ignored.”

Serena stirred herself from where the unsettling thoughts had taken her and turned her attention back to her daughter.

“Oh, I’m sorry. Look, suffice it to say that I’m learning things about myself just lately that I never dreamt of before I started working with Bernie. I feel as though my world has turned upside down, but in a good way. Please don’t get worked up about this. I didn’t think I’d raised you to be judgemental of how others live their lives.”

Elinor had the grace to feel slightly ashamed of her initial reaction to seeing her mother kissing another woman.

“This isn’t about me thinking there is anything wrong with people who are gay mom. It’s simply that I never imagined you as part of the LGBTQ community, that’s all and I’m scared you don’t understand, that you’ll get hurt…again.”

Serena felt a tear in the corner of her eye and she blinked rapidly to stop it falling. She didn’t often talk to her daughter like this. They butted heads too often, a little like her relationship with her own mother, and it was lovely to hear that Ellie was concerned for her well-being. She pulled her into an awkward hug.

“Thank you. I promise I’ll be careful. But right now, but if you can accept that I’m happy with the way things are at the moment, let’s say no more about it. But now you need to be honest, and tell me what is the reason for this visit. You’re not in any trouble are you?”

Elinor felt a flash of irritation surge through her at her mother’s question. She always appeared to assume that she’d done something wrong, or stupid…or both, making her feel as if she was a little girl who couldn’t be trusted. But she swallowed her pride this time, as she desperately wanted her mom on her side so she forced herself not to make any snide remark.

“No, I’m not,” she stated. “But I am quite hungry and you know how bad-tempered that makes me, so could we order something in and talk after?”

Serena nodded feeling apprehensive, so she told Elinor to look through the takeout menus in the kitchen and order what she fancied, doubling up whatever it was so there was enough for two. She gathered up her case from the hall and took them upstairs to unpack, pausing for a couple of minutes to hastily send Bernie a text.

**I hope you’re safely home. Still haven’t got to the bottom of why she’s turned up out of the blue, but we’re going to eat and try to have a heart to heart afterwards. I should tell you we had a few words at first because she saw us kissing on the drive. I think she’s okay now and I want you to know that it has very little to do with you being a woman, more to do with how she views ** _ **me.** _ ** Which apparently is certainly not as a lesbian. Take care, and I’ll explain more tomorrow. S x x**

She pressed send and went back downstairs, purposely leaving her phone on the bed as she didn’t want to be distracted by anything for the next couple of hours. She wasn’t surprised to learn that Ellie had ordered pizza, wondering if students ate anything else these days. To try and make it a little healthier, and in spite of her daughters earlier insistence that there was absolutely _nothing_ to eat in the house, she managed to rustle up a three bean salad to go with it. At least the choice meant a fast delivery and in under an hour they had both eaten their fill, with a few slices to spare that Elinor marked as hers to eat cold tomorrow. Serena duly packaged it up and put it in the fridge. There was an awkward silence until Serena asked if she’d rather walk and talk and Ellie shook her head.

“No..I think I’d rather have the table between me and you when I tell you,” she ventured, her hands gripping the sides of her chair as if she was ready to run.

Serena’s eyes widened and she spluttered in protest.

“Good lord Elinor! You make it sound as if I’m going to throw something. And now I’m pretty terrified of what you’re going to say, so spit it out.” Then looking at her daughters face and seeing how pale she looked, she added in a quieter voice, “Whatever it is, I’m sure between us we can work something out.”

Elinor took a deep breath. What she had to say wasn’t probably as bad as her mother was currently thinking, but without her mom’s support and approval, there was no way that her dad would even consider it, given that it would be costing him (and her mom) money.

“I want to pull out of my university course,” she said in a rush. She saw her mother’s eyebrows nearly disappear from sight and hastened to finish before she could butt in.

“It’s not because I’m failing, or even because I can’t be bothered. It’s just that..it’s not making me happy, and I think I’ve found something that will change that. It still means a university degree, but if I want to study and learn from the best it will mean moving to a different one.”

Serena was stunned. Elinor was not perfect by any means, but she’d never been a quitter. And as far as Serena had been aware she was on track for at least a 2:1, or even a first, in English at Exeter University. She fought against her desire to ask if she she was crazy, and took a few moments to find a question that wouldn’t have them descending into a slanging match. There was however an edge to her voice when she replied.

“Right. Can I ask what has led you to this conclusion? I mean, I’m assuming that it’s not just because you’ve broken up with someone, or had an argument with your tutor.” She spread her hands and shrugged her shoulders to show her confusion.

Ellie too found her temper rising and her voice did too.

“Funny that the first thing you think of is that I’ve got all hormonal about someone and therefore can’t think straight. Pot, kettle, mother? Believe it or not I’m not as shallow as you imagine. It’s simply the course. I now know I don’t want to waste another eighteen months, studying for a degree that probably won’t get me the career I’m looking for.”

Serena decided she mustn’t get side-tracked by the barbed comment about her ‘sapphic awakening’ and swallowing her ire she asked her _exactly_ what that career might be.

“I want to be a journalist,” she said defiantly. “Last term we had an assignment that covered the use of English in the media and how important choosing the right words could be. We had to write two versions of the same story…one that was ‘fake news’ and one that was factually and honestly reported. It was the most excited I’d felt over an assignment since I’d got there. And mom? I was so good at it. Even my tutor said it was the best piece he’d ever seen since it had been introduced over five years ago!”

Elinor had got to her feet and was pacing back and forth as she spoke, her enthusiasm shining out of her. Serena had to admit she didn’t think she’d ever seen her so animated, but she had to try and be the voice of reason.

“Well. that’s wonderful but…do you really think that one piece of work is enough to throw your whole degree away for? Why not finish your English degree and then look at journalism if you still want to pursue it? I mean a good degree could open doors to get you a job anywhere.”

There followed another heated discussion, both of them having very valid points to make and both of them trying to not get too aggressive with their arguments. It was getting close to when Elinor needed to be heading for the train and they hadn’t really solved anything. Serena leant forward and closed her hand over her daughter’s forearm.

“What time tomorrow do you have a lecture?”

“I don’t have one, but I do have a tutorial at 2.00pm. I have to go back today, my ticket won’t be valid tomorrow.”

Serena pinched the top of her nose and frowned, trying to think clearly.

“Okay, how about you stay over tonight, and I speak to Hanssen about having tomorrow off so I can drive you back. Then, if your tutor is okay with it, I’ll come with you when you go to your meeting and we can discuss all of this with their input as well?”

Elinor scowled. “You just want to make it two against one.”

“No, I don’t. I promise I will keep an open mind, then we can discuss it again and come to an agreement, which may mean a compromise. I’m not trying to make your life difficult, I just need to be as sure as I can that it’s not some pie in the sky dream. And if Henrik refuses to give me the day off, I’ll pay for the new ticket. Deal?”

Still looking rather sullen, Ellie nodded and then announced she was going to bed. At the door she turned to throw one parting shot at her mother.

“Just imagine if you’d chosen the French degree that Mamé wanted you to, and then realised _afterwards_ that what you really wanted was to study medicine? Wouldn’t you have fought tooth and nail to follow what you knew was your passion?”

Serena was grateful that she didn’t slam the door behind her in a fit of petulance. In fact it gave her pause to hope that perhaps her daughter was growing up.

An hour later she too was in bed, having already received a reply from Hanssen confirming she could take the day off. She retrieved her phone to ring Bernie to bring her up to date, and to apologise for leaving her a little in the lurch at work, and was pleased when Bernie answered within three rings. Before Serena could say a word Bernie launched into a positive tirade of random questions.

“Serena? I’m so glad you’ve rung. How are things? I’m so sorry that I’ve made things difficult with Elinor. I should have let you drive me straight home, that way she would be none the wiser, and instead you’ve had to deal with things without me. I should have come in shouldn’t I and then she could have directed her disappointment at me...”

As she paused to take a breath, Serena leapt in.

“Good lord Bernie, for someone who says she struggles with words that was a bit full on. Could you calm down and let me speak?”

There was a huff, and a muttered “Sorry.”

“Firstly, I find I really didn’t care that she saw us. Maybe I wouldn’t have chosen to tell her quite so soon but in some ways I’m glad I don’t have to pretend around her. There’s lots of reasons and thoughts I have about us, but that’s not something I need to focus on right now.”

Then Serena went on to explain her decision to take tomorrow off, and why, and to apologise for the short notice. Bernie listened in more or less silence after her initial outburst, and when Serena had finished speaking, the silence seemed to stretch for minutes, making Serena anxious.

“Bernie..are you still there?”

“Hmm? Oh, yes sorry. I got lost in my thoughts…of course you must go back with her, she’s going to need your support. I don’t expect her tutor or the university will be over the moon at her ‘dropping out’, but if she’s as determined as she sounds I can’t see what anyone thinks is going to stop her. Sounds awfully like her mother in that respect.”

There was an affectionate tone in Bernie’s voice, and Serena found herself smiling in response.

“She made a similar comparison herself. So _you_ think she’s doing the right thing?”

“Well that’s not for me to say, but I do think there are occasions when we need to follow our heart rather than our head. We all make mistakes, and if this should be one of Elinor’s, then at least hope she learns something from it. I would rather have that, than have countless regrets because I was too scared to give it a chance.”

Serena found her eyes fill with tears, hearing something of Bernie’s journey through life in those words.

“Thank you. I’ll see you on Tuesday, when hopefully I will have my head a little straighter than today. You’re a good friend, Bernie.”

When their call ended, Bernie sat back on her sofa and took a deep breath. As much as she knew her feelings for Serena were stronger than ever, she could see that she needed to back off from their budding relationship. Serena had so much going on in her life at the moment, with Jason and now her daughter, that she didn’t need anymore stress because of her. Possibly she should remove herself from working in such close proximity to her for a while, to let the dust settle and to give her the time and space she needed. She had seen something last week in the opportunities section of the Emergency Medical Journal she had started subscribing to when working in the RAMC. A new trauma unit in the Ukraine was looking for trained emergency medical consultants from around the world to advise and work alongside the very skilled team that they already had in place. She was certain she could persuade Hanssen that it would reflect very well on Holby if they were to be involved. Maybe even pave the way to set up their own unit when she returned. She would have to talk it through with Charlotte, but as she had every intention of coming back she was hopeful that her daughter was now confident enough to manage without her for a few months. Whether she would still be wanted by the hospital…or Serena by then, would remain to be seen.


	12. Mistakes and Misunderstandings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bernie makes plans that don't involve Serena, whilst Serena tries to be the mother her daughter always wanted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did say that angst was on it's way, and here it is. There may only be a further two chapters to this tale, so don't say I didn't warn you.

Chapter 12 : Mistakes and misunderstandings

When Serena got up the next day she was already feeling tired and tense. She had spent longer than intended on her laptop last night, searching for information about the different financial aspects of a student dropping out, taking a year off or transferring to another course or university. All of them were very clear about the fact that the tutorial fees would have to be paid right up to the end of the term and possibly the university year. One bright spot had been that so far Elinor had not taken out a student loan. She and Edward had invested in a savings plan to provide for her future not long after she was born, and even when they had split up and later divorced, it had been the one thing that she had refused to let Edward wriggle out of. _She_ didn’t want his financial help, but there was no way she would let him out of his responsibilities to his daughter. And in all fairness to him, however acrimonious their divorce had been, this was one area that he never fought her on. So it meant that if necessary, Elinor could move to another uni without the weight of an existing loan round her neck.

She heard Ellie coming downstairs and made sure that none of the tiredness she felt was reflected in the tone of her voice.

“Morning,” she said brightly as she turned to look at her. She noticed some apprehension on her daughter’s face as if uncertain about where this morning’s conversation would take them, so endeavoured to keep her voice light.

“Come and sit down and tell me what you’d like for breakfast. I can manage toast, cornflakes, scrambled egg…oh, or porridge. And of course tea or coffee. Sorry I don’t have any fruit juice.”

“That’s okay,” said Ellie, a little bemused by this cheerful person in front of her. “Could I have a milky coffee, you know, like you get in France? And toast is fine, as long as you have some jam.”

“Coming right up.”

Serena knew that she was being a little OTT, but she wanted Elinor to feel that today was all about _her _and knew that before the day was out there would probably be an argument before compromises were made on both sides. She was suddenly aware that she was being asked a question, and had to ask Ellie to repeat it.

“I asked if you’ve managed to arrange the day off or not?”

When she replied in the affirmative Serena was heartened to see a wave of relief wash over her daughter’s face, and couldn’t help but pull her into a hug. The muttered ‘thank you’ into her neck made Serena smile and as she pulled away she briefly held Ellie by the shoulders to look at her, eye to eye.

“For the record I’ll be supporting you whatever you decide. Just promise me to listen to _everything_ they, and I say, and then give yourself a few days thinking time before you make a final decision. Nothing can be lost by staying there for the rest of the week and you might find you gain a bit of perspective.”

Elinor’s mouth opened and closed a few times before she managed to reply.

“Do you really mean that?”

“Of course I do.” She hesitated slightly before continuing. “I..erm, spoke to Bernie last night to explain why I wouldn’t be in work today. I didn’t want her to think it was because I was having second thoughts about..you know.. and I gave her a _very_ brief lowdown of your problem. And she helped me to understand that I needed to trust you a little more, because it’s your life we’re considering, not mine. And that she felt she’d learned more from the mistakes she’d made that she ever did when people tried to make her see things the way they wanted her to. So all I’m trying to say is whatever the final outcome, it won’t be wrong, just what seemed right at the time.”

The smile on Ellie’s face was in danger of splitting her face in half and her eyes were sparkling. She nudged her mom with her shoulder.

“I’m beginning to think I might quite like Bernie. Make sure you introduce me next time..okay?”

The woman in question was waiting anxiously outside Hanssen’s office, rehearsing the argument for her taking a secondment over and over in her brain. She was aware that she was relatively new to the Holby staff and that asking for this was possibly a little presumptuous given that it would cost the hospital at least locum fees to let her go. What it might cost Serena and herself on a personal level was less certain, but she honestly felt that she would be doing them both a favour in the long run. She cared about her so much, and even though she was worried that Serena wouldn’t understand her motives she was becoming more and more convinced that this was the best option. Somewhere in the very back of her mind, locked firmly behind a door that she had created, was the knowledge that it was all too late, that she already loved Serena. But Major Wolfe was a past master at hiding her emotions, and when she strode into the CEO’s office she didn’t doubt for one moment that she would be able to persuade him that her proposal could benefit the hospital as well as herself. The biggest battle would come the following day when Serena returned to work. When she left him thirty minutes later she was as confident as she could be that by the end of the week she would be packing for the Ukraine.

When Serena arrived home later than she’d expected or wanted, she was much calmer than she had been when she’d left it that morning. As she had thought, the university were very keen on trying to persuade Elinor to finish her current degree before moving on, but to no avail. And she had been impressed by how cool her daughter seemed to be when under pressure.

‘_Maybe we are more alike than I realised,’ _was the first thought that crossed her mind as she watched her daughter battle it out.

She had kept her own comments regarding the situation to a minimum, only asking for relevant details regarding the financial implications of swapping courses and universities, or when she felt that Ellie needed some moral support. She wouldn’t deny, if asked, that she would prefer her to finish this English degree, but was determined to show her daughter that she had her back. Finally Serena had suggested that she and Elinor went to have lunch to discuss the various proposals that were on offer, and promised that when Ellie returned to speak with them the following day, that the decision she came to would be one that she fully supported. They spent a long time in a small restaurant, both of them giving their point of view, and whilst it wasn’t exactly an argument there were a couple of times when it had turned into a heated debate. Finally they were able to agree on a middle ground where both had made compromises. Serena accepted that her daughter was going to apply to Cardiff University with the hope of starting one of their journalism and media courses in September, and Elinor agreed that she would stay on at Exeter to complete her second year of study. As they were saying goodbye, Serena’s normally aloof and fiercely independent little girl was being particularly emotional as she hugged her mother.

“Thank you so much for today. I know we have our differences but I can’t tell how it feels to have you supporting me on this.” Her voice dropped, and the wheedling Ellie of old resurfaced as she tried to persuade her mother to explain it all to Edward.

“You’ll handle telling Dad so much better than I would, and I couldn’t stand to hear him trying to lay the blame on you, or moaning about how much this will cost him..and so on. Please?”

Serena knew she was being played, but was still feeling buoyed up by the way the day had gone and agreed grudgingly to her request.

“As long as you realise that neither your father or I will continue to support you financially if you fail to get a place for September. You need to have a Plan B in mind to cover that eventuality, because I will stick to my guns on that.”

Ellie rolled her eyes in a way that would forever mark her as Serena’s daughter and with another brief hug they went their separate ways.

Climbing into bed after a quick shower, Serena looked at her phone, wondering about ringing Bernie, but as much as she wanted to reconnect with her she knew sleep was what she needed right now. Consoling herself with the knowledge that she would be seeing her in less than eight hours time, she lay down and drifted off to sleep, a smile on her lips as she dreamed of strong arms holding her safe.

Bernie’s dreams were less comforting, and she tossed and turned for most of the night as her head played out different scenarios of how she should inform Serena of her upcoming travels. It wasn’t yet a foregone conclusion, Henrik had been clear that he would have to put her request to the board before giving a definite answer, and that it might well be Friday before he could confirm or deny her request. She had asked him not to say anything to Serena until then, as she felt that she should be the one to break the news to her. Henrik had looked at her carefully before replying.

“Are you suggesting that Ms Campbell might be opposed to this secondment, even though it could only benefit AAU in the long run?”

When Bernie didn’t immediately reply and in fact turned a pink at his question, he cleared his throat and fixed her with an unwavering gaze.

“Is there anything else I should be aware of that you haven’t divulged to me Ms Wolfe?”

Bernie took a deep breath and held her nerve.

“Nothing that need concern you, no. I believe that a little break from each other would serve us both well in the long run. Clarify certain things. If I thought my absence would compromise the way the hospital and AAU functions then I would tell you.”

Hanssen raised an eyebrow but said no more, merely giving a brief nod of his head to signify that the meeting was over.

She given up on sleep early on Tuesday morning, and rather than hang around at home worrying, she had decided to get into work early to keep her mind occupied. So it had come as quite a shock when she walked into their office to see Serena already there, reading up on the cases admitted yesterday as she scrolled through emails. She looked up as Bernie entered, a welcoming smile on her face and Bernie’s stomach did a little flip at the sight of her. Trying to act as normally as possible she returned the smile as she hung up her coat.

“Well, aren’t you the early bird?” she said over her shoulder. “Are you trying to make up for leaving me to cope all alone yesterday?”

Serena responded with some teasing of her own.

“Oh, I’m so sorry. Did you find being in charge a little too much of a strain? I promise another time I’ll arrange for Ric to come and keep an eye on things, so you don’t get overwhelmed with the responsibility.”

Serena stood up and moved around the desk, pushing the door to as she came to a stop right in front of Bernie.

“Or were you wanting a more demonstrative way for me to say thank you?”

She came even closer until Bernie could feel the warmth of her breath on her neck, and she attempted to take a step back but was thwarted by the edge of the filing cabinet pressing against her thighs.

“Serena!” Bernie’s voice sounded scandalised. “The blinds are open…anyone could be looking.”

A sexy smirk spread over Serena’s face.

“You’re right, of course,” she said as she reached past Bernie to pick up a folder that was lying on the top of said cabinet, before turning on her heel to walk back to her seat. “But why would we bother to close them? Nothing to see here..” and she gave a breathy sigh as she opened the file.

Bernie felt as if her feet were encased in a block of cement, while her legs seemed to have all the stability of a barely set jelly. She was both simultaneously rooted to the spot and in danger of collapsing to the floor as if every bone in her body had dissolved. If it weren’t for her backside resting on a stable surface she was certain she wouldn’t still be upright.

‘_Good god, I spent weeks pining for her and managed to cope pretty well, but one night in the same bed reduces me to this.’_

They both jumped when the phone rang, and it was enough to jarr Bernie out of her musings and she grabbed the phone from its cradle. Serena listened, wondering if there was an urgent case that was heading their way, then relaxed slightly as it became clear, from Bernie’s side of the conversation, that it seemed to be a summons from above.

“Morning, consultants office…..oh, fine. I’ll be up as soon as I’ve changed…._both of us?_ Yes she’s here, but she’s trying to catch up…….but…..yes, I know but as I explained……surely I can pass on any message? Like I said she’s quite busy.”

Serena raised an eyebrow at that comment.

“No, no I understand…..yes I’m sure she can spare the time, but…..yes, fine. We’ll both be there in about fifteen minutes.”

Bernie sighed as she put the phone down and pushed her fringe from her forehead before letting her eyes meet Serena’s querying gaze.

“That was Hanssen, he wants to see us both in his office…I’ll just go and get changed, and I’ll meet you up there if that’s okay in….”

“Fifteen minutes, yes I heard. Why did you..”

But before she could say anymore Bernie was out of the door in a flash leaving Serena very puzzled as to why Bernie had tried so hard to convince Henrik she didn’t have the time to attend.

When she arrived on the sixth floor heading towards the CEO’s office she could hear Bernie talking her voice slightly raised. By the time she opened the door however, Bernie appeared to be alone and she turned towards her, a smile on her face even though there was a frown on her forehead. Then Henrik opened his office door and beckoned them both inside.

It’s nearly an hour later before they emerge, both of them looking bemused but happy. They don’t say a lot until they’re back on AAU and in their office, when Serena looks at Bernie and opens her arms inviting her in for a hug.

“Did you have any idea that he was thinking of asking the board for the funds to open a trauma unit, here..on AAU?”

Bernie moved awkwardly forward to allow Serena to close her arms around her for a moment before pulling away to sit on the edge of her desk.

“No, no I didn’t. It’s as much of a surprise to me as it is to you.”

“So this isn’t something you hatched up between you yesterday, taking advantage of my last minute absence?”

Bernie blanched, but recovered quickly.

“No, of course not.” She hesitated. “Are you sure you’re okay with this? I mean they’re going to be doing some major reconstruction work on _your _ward, if it gets approved?”

Serena looked at Bernie, and raised an eyebrow.

“Firstly this is _our_ ward,” she said sternly. “And secondly…you don’t seem as happy as I thought you would, given that trauma is your bread and butter. Is there something you’re not telling me?”

Bernie forced a smile onto her face.

“No, of course not. And I am happy, truly. I’m still in shock, and without blowing my own trumpet I doubt this particular project would have raised its head so quickly if I wasn’t on the payroll. It feels like a lot of responsibility suddenly being heaped onto me. I..I don’t want to let anyone down.”

Serena’s face softened.

“Oh, darling..you won’t be doing this on your own. I’ll put together the proposal to go to the board whilst Hanssen sources areas of funding we can tap into. I’ll need you to make a list of all the equipment you will need, plus the cost in training existing staff up to trauma standard. I doubt we’ll be able to find the extra money we’d need to employ already trained doctors and nurses.”

Bernie smiled more genuinely at Serena’s supportive comments.

“Sounds like we’re both going to be rather busy for a while.”

Serena pulled a wry face.

“I know. I’m afraid any more work night dates are going to have to take a back seat for this week at least. But there’s always the weekend?”

The hopeful tone in Serena’s voice caused a twisting in Bernie’s gut that made her feel sick. She hated lying to Serena, but right at this moment she couldn’t face telling her the truth, knowing that they’d have to work together for the rest of the week before she left for Kiev. Her early arrival in Henrik’s office had only given sufficient time for him to tell her that her secondment request had been swiftly approved and that he would not say anything to Serena about it at this present time. That he would allow _her_ to break the news before she disappeared for two months.

“Well, how about I tackle the ward rounds to leave you in peace to catch up, and even make a start on the paperwork? Then as long as nothing else comes along I’ll join you to do a little costing for the equipment I would like. Okay?”

Serena nodded and put out her hand for Bernie to grasp. She used her thumb to stroke across Bernie’s knuckles, and then, with a quick glance towards the ward she brushed her lips across them too.

“Keeping my hands to myself is going to be harder than I thought,” she said in a quiet voice.

Bernie squeezed her hand before loosing hold, and smiled gently.

“Good job we have a lot to occupy our minds then.” As she headed to the ward, she turned for a moment. “I’m finding it hard too Serena, never doubt that. I’m…just more used to hiding my emotions, because…”

“You had to?” Serena said gently. Bernie nodded, then took a deep breath.

“Come on Campbell!” she barked like a sergeant-major, “we have a job to do, so no slacking.” And with a brief grin she marched out of the office. Serena couldn’t help but wonder how stifling it must have been to have lived a lie for so many years, and her breathing hitched a little at the thought. But she felt there was something else happening here that Bernie wasn’t telling her, and that was worrying. She mentally shook herself.

‘_No matter. I have more than enough on my plate to keep myself busy for the next few weeks, and that’s without any surgery I may have to scrub in for. Eyes on the prize as they say.’_

What she wasn’t admitting to herself was that the only prize she really wanted was standing at the nurses station talking to Dr Digby.

The next couple of days were pretty full for both of them. Serena was drowning in paperwork and seemed to spent her time walking between her office and the lift to take her to meetings with Hanssen and other consultants. Even her evenings were spent pouring over her laptop as she read up on the management of trauma units and how funding would be needed above and beyond the initial investment, to keep skills and equipment up to date. Bernie had taken the brunt of the surgery cases that had been sent to AAU, and when there was the smallest break from that she too could be found in the office making documents full of the necessary costings to run the trauma bay. Serena had listened to many a phone call to her erstwhile colleagues in the RAMC, and loved hearing the clipped tones she used that must have been a feature of her army life.

By the time Friday morning rolled around, they had barely spoken to each other about anything outside of work, and Serena in particular was finding it difficult to not touch Bernie, or lean into her hoping for an arm to snake around her middle to give her a squeeze. Bernie was finding it more and more exhausting to avoid the conversation she knew she had to face up to today, and was cursing inwardly herself for not having had the courage to mention it as soon as they had been told of Hanssen’s plans. She was already in the office when Serena arrived and caught her rereading the brochure she had been sent from the military hospital in Kiev that she was heading to in the morning. She did consider trying to stuff it back in the drawer in the hope that Serena wouldn’t ask her about it, but realised that it was a pointless exercise unless she intended to disappear for two months without any explanation.

“Morning,” said Serena brightly. “What’s captured your attention so early in the morning?” Serena moved around the desk to hang up her coat before sitting down in front of her computer and groaned.

“I’m beginning to hate the sight of this machine,” she joked. “If you have any surgery today that you need help with, please consider calling on me. I’ll have forgotten how to wield a scalpel if I spend another week like this one.”

As her computer whirred into life Serena looked at Bernie who had stood up, the folder still in her hand, a solemn expression on her face. Suddenly worried, Serena frowned at her friend.

“What’s up? You look like you know that the world is ending.”

She laughed nervously as, still not speaking, Bernie handed her the brochure. She took a few minutes to glance through it, still not comprehending what it meant until she came to the letter inviting Bernie to work alongside them as they set up this ‘state of the art’ trauma unit. How someone with her reputation and knowledge could only be a huge asset to their team. Serena felt her heart begin to race as realisation kicked in, and her hands shook as she put the folder down, an agonised look on her face.

“Wow…it seems like..it would be your dream job?”

Her voice wavered slightly as she also stood up, one hand leaning on her desk in an effort to support her already shaky legs.

“I mean, I couldn’t…I wouldn’t…stop you…..if this is what you really, really want?”

Bernie took a couple of steps towards her as she tried to find her voice, her mouth so dry that when she attempted to say something it was just a hushed whisper.

“S’rena, I…..”

Serena was also trying to say something, but as they moved even closer together her eyes dropped to Bernie’s lips and before she could stop herself she leaned in to capture them with her own. Meeting no resistance she slipped her arms up and around Bernie as the kiss deepened, and felt a rush of relief as Bernie pulled her into her arms too, pressing their bodies together. There were faint murmurs and moans as their mouths moved against each other, but far too soon their lips parted as they both drew in gasping breaths and Serena rested her head against Bernie’s chest, still held in a tight embrace. Eventually they reluctantly pulled apart and except for a murmured ‘Sorry’ from Serena, neither of them spoke. Bernie drew breath as if she was about to say something when Fletch knocked at the door and entered without waiting, faltering somewhat as they both started at his presence.

“Oh, sorry. Am I interrupting something?”

They both shook their heads as Serena recovered first.

“Right, I have to go and see Hanssen. Can Ms Wolfe help you with your query, Fletch?”

“Yes, yes. It was her I was coming to speak to actually. I figured you’re still tied up with paperwork, right?”

“Exactly. See you later.”

She gave a brief smile in Bernie’s direction before she left, and Bernie’s stomach churned at the hurt she saw in her eyes. Stealing herself she turned towards the head nurse.

“Right Fletcher, how can I help?”

It was nearly mid-afternoon before Bernie and Serena’s paths crossed again and then only momentarily. Bernie was heading for theatre just as Serena returned to the ward, and they both came to a standstill. Serena put her hand on Bernie’s arm, and with a wild look in her eyes she whispered, “I don’t want you to go!”

Bernie throat constricted as she gently placed her hand over Serena’s.

“I have to go into theatre right now. A young boy has been stabbed. Will you wait for me in the office so we can talk? I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

Serena’s face lightened slightly at her words and she nodded before allowing Bernie to carry on. She would wait for the whole night if that’s what it took.

It was nearly 6pm and Serena was packing some files into her briefcase when the door finally opened and Bernie entered, looking tired and strained. She sighed and leant against her desk.

“Sorry, that was quite a battle in there. Touch and go for a while.”

“He’s okay though?” Serena asked, even though right at that moment she had zero interest in anything other than the two of them.

“Stable enough to be moved to ICU.” Bernie didn’t want to admit to anyone, including herself, how difficult she had found it, keeping her mind on the young life lying on the operating theatre when she was aware that this conversation had to take place. As Serena looked as if she was about to ask something else, and Bernie panicked and launched a deluge of words trying to explain.

“Serena, I’m truly sorry that I didn’t tell you earlier about this opportunity. I did want to, but I didn’t know how, and then Hanssen threw a spanner in the works with this trauma bay project and I….kept putting it off.”

“So you knew about this secondment before Tuesday?” A steely glint came into her eye. “Before our night away? Is this something you had planned all along?”

She tried to stifle a sob, but Bernie heard it.

“So you thought you’d have some fun with me and then clear off for the foreseeable future. You’re no better than anyone else I’ve been involved with, and I’m a fool for thinking you were.” Her voice that had been getting gradually louder suddenly dropped to a whisper.

“Do I really mean that little to you?”

Bernie felt as though her heart was breaking, and was beginning to doubt her own reasons for going to Kiev. She wanted to gather Serena into her arms and hold her safe, but she knew that it might undo her resolve so she swallowed hard before answering.

“God, no Serena, don’t ever think that. I….I care about you so _very _much. I just felt that things between us were happening so fast….. and you’ve had a lot to deal with in the past couple of months. I wanted to give you a bit of space to think about how you really feel.”

“I know how I feel,” Serena was almost shouting. “Do you think that buggering off to the Ukraine is going to change that?”

She sank down onto her chair and put her head in her hands,

“You know what…just go. You’re right…if nothing else I’ve learnt that it doesn’t matter to you how much this is hurting me. This is really about you and _your_ insecurities, so don’t try to pretend that it’s all for my benefit.”

What Serena had said shocked Bernie to the core. She took a moment to look inwards and found that there was more than an element of truth in those words. She made her way over to the chair opposite to Serena and moved it closer to her, tentatively reaching out with both hands to take hold of Serena’s.

“I’m sorry,” she began and almost wilted under the glare that Serena shot in her direction, but took heart from the fact that she didn’t pull away. “Hurting you is the _last_ thing I wanted to do. Please believe me when I…..I said I care about you. But you’re right. I think I’m doing this as much for me as for you.”

Serena looked at Bernie and saw the pain on her face.

“When it comes to emotions I’m a coward…always have been. It took me over twenty-five years and a brief but passionate affair to even admit my own sexuality. And part of me is still the scared young woman who accepted a proposal from a man I cared about. It was a long way down the line before I could accept that I was never in love with him.”

She took a shuddering breath.

“I want more than that for……us. And I need to distance myself for a while and I can’t do that when I see you everyday.”

She let go of one of Serena’s hands and brought hers up to Serena’s face, stroking her cheek gently, noticing the unshed tears in the corner of her eyes.

“You’re so beautiful, it sometimes takes my breath away and all I want to do is this…”

She leant forward and pressed her lips briefly to Serena’s. “And then I’m lost in the feel and smell of you and logical thought just flies out of the window.”

“And is that such a bad thing?” Serena asked in a voice broken with emotion.

Bernie gave a deep sigh.

“Right now…for me? Yes. You’ve made me understand how much this is hurting you and as I said, I’m sorry. But…wouldn’t a little pain now be worth it, if it led us to a place we both want to be?”

It was Serena’s turn to sigh and she did, raising her eyes to the ceiling in an effort not to be overwhelmed by the sadness she could see in Bernie’s eyes.

“You do know I shall be furious if you don’t keep in touch, don’t you? I shall expect texts and emails frequently, maybe even a phone-call or two. Any hint of ‘radio silence’ and I shall take the first flight over there to make your life hell. Is that understood?”

Bernie felt a glimmer of hope flutter in her chest.

“Does that mean you’re okay with me going?”

“No! Of course I’m not.” Serena hissed. “But if you’re being truthful about why you’ve made this decision, and you promise me that it’s not because you regret our night away, then….. I’ll try to understand.”

Bernie felt her lip begin to tremble as she wiped away the tears that were threatening to fall. Her voice wobbled as she placed her hands on Serena’s shoulders.

“Look at me, I want to be certain you are listening.” Serena eyes locked with hers. “You are the best thing to happen to me since I came to work here, and Saturday night was….was, more special than I thought possible. And the thought of you possibly realising, further down the line that it was a mistake, would tear me apart. So I need you to give _me_ this time, and yourself, to be sure it’s what we both want.”

Serena stood up and pulled Bernie to her feet.

“Make sure you text me the address where you’re staying, I don’t expect they’ll pay for a hotel for the whole time you’re there. Don’t you dare get so wrapped up in your work that you forget about me here, struggling with the business end of things. In fact, I should give you something to help you remember what you're giving up.”

Serena slid one hand around Bernie’s waist and brought the other up to cradle the back of her head as she pulled her forwards into the sweetest kiss Bernie thought she had ever experienced. She wrapped her arms tightly around Serena and couldn’t stop a soft moan as Serena’s tongue ran gently along her lips to request access, which Bernie gladly granted. For what seemed many minutes their tongues explored and danced around one another until gasping for breath they broke apart, both slightly giddy.

Serena held Bernie at arms length for a moment and then went back to her desk and sat down. Bernie walked slowly towards the door, and as she opened it she said softly, “Serena...”

Eyes firmly closed Serena shook her head. “If you’re going, go now…please.”

With tears pricking at her eyelids Bernie stepped out of the office and closed the door behind her.


	13. Trials and Tribulations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They both have good intentions but is that enough when they're 1600 miles apart?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more chapter to go, hope you're going to stay with me to the very end

Chapter 13 : Trials and Tribulations.

Before boarding the plane the following day, Bernie sent a text to Serena. She had spent a lot of the previous evening and a fair amount of the night, turning the validity of her decision over and over in her mind. And not just this decision, but virtually everything to do with the situation she now found herself in. She knew, without Serena pointing it out, that communication via the written word did not come easily to her. Good grief, _any _form of communication was a hurdle she was constantly ducking behind rather than jumping over. Then when you added strong emotions and personalities into the mix she became so hesitant and fearful of doing or saying or writing the wrong thing. At least when you were face to face with someone, it was relatively easy to spot the moment something you had said had been taken the wrong way. When using electronic media to get your message across it was a bottomless pit of possible misinterpretations that often had very little to do with the way you had expressed yourself and much more to do with the mood of the person who was reading it.

As if that wasn’t enough she was a martyr to over-thinking things, and the agony of wanting to initiate dialogue with Serena knowing that unless she was messaging her to say she had decided not to go, whatever she wrote would be tempered with the knowledge that it was going to cause some degree of hurt. She closed her eyes and tried to picture Serena standing right in front of her, waiting for her to begin, and strangely she suddenly found herself able to start typing.

‘**Well, here I am..waiting to be called to board the plane. I expect you’re waiting too, and I do realise that you have the worst of it. Hopefully in around four hours (barring delays) I will have arrived at my destination and then my mind will be occupied in meeting new colleagues and understanding my own place within the team. Whereas your weekend will be…I was going to say normal, but I think neither of us are sure what normal is anymore. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that Monday will be a little easier for you, but then I remember that I won’t be there to help ‘steady the ship’ or ‘share the load’. (Feel free to add any other cliché you feel is appropriate).**

**I want to apologise again, but I can picture you rolling your eyes, and see your blood pressure steadily rising, so I won’t.**

**If I don’t keep in touch as much as you’d like, don’t let that stop you telling me about what you’ve been doing, however mundane you think it is. I want to be able to imagine you on AAU holding the fort as effortlessly as you have ever done, especially before I turned up and threw a spanner into the mix. (Yet another cliché) Spend any spare time getting to know Jason a little more and above all don’t worry about me. My only wish is that you do things to make you happy…I want to imagine your smile lighting up a room. Whatever you think of me, please know in your heart that I will miss you. B x x’**

Bernie pressed send before she spent too long wondering if she had said too much or not enough. Hearing the call for her flight she gathered up the small amount of hand luggage she had as she headed for the gate, and for now she focused her eyes and mind on what lay ahead.

When her phone pinged, Serena was sitting in her kitchen nursing her second cup of coffee of the day. Not that she needed caffeine in her system, she’d barely slept and couldn’t imagine that changing anytime soon. Her so called rest had been littered with dreams of panic and running, it seemed, for her life. But there had been no-one chasing her, it was more that she was doing the chasing, and when she awoke it was blatantly obvious who the shadowy figure ahead of her had been. Then her mind went into overdrive, looking back over the last few weeks to see if she could pinpoint where things had gone wrong forcing Bernie to take to her heels, until she wanted to scream. In the end she had given up on sleep and grabbed her laptop to search for flights to Kiev that morning from the couple of airports she thought Bernie could conceivably be flying from. Considered the crazy idea that she might turn up at the right one to remind her what she was giving up..perhaps persuade her to stay. Even if she achieved the unlikely aim of finding her before she boarded, deep down she knew it would be in vain. It would be simply another way of prolonging her agony, because the army in Bernie would never allow her to shirk what she would see as her duty, having once accepted the secondment.

Leaning back in her chair, her eyes closed in frustration, she visibly jumped at the message alert. When she saw who it was from, her hands were trembling slightly as she unlocked her phone. She wryly thought that it was typical that only when she was on the point of leaving the country that Bernie could suddenly find her ‘voice’. She read it through more than twice, and part of her was overjoyed that Bernie had been the one to take the first step to contact her, rather than the other way around. Then those nagging voices that come with self-doubt started to creep in. Bernie had more or less said that she would be focusing on the exciting task ahead rather than looking back. Her breathed faltered slightly as she considered that perhaps Bernie would always crave this, the need to constantly challenge herself. When (or possibly if) she returned to Holby would her wanderlust only be sated for a specific length of time? The thought that she alone may never be enough for Bernie filled her heart and mind with sadness.

‘_If her children weren’t enough for her to want to put down roots, then what chance do I have? And I don’t even feel as if I have the right to ask that of her.’_

Serena looked at the message again and started to type her reply doing her best not to add to Bernie’s obvious feeling of guilt.

**It felt good to see a text from you. I’m afraid I can’t stop myself worrying but I will try to keep it under control. Part of me wants to reply that I’ll miss you more, but I guess that would be a little childish, wouldn’t it? I shall be waiting to hear you’ve arrived safely and settled into your new accommodation, and don’t forget to send me the address and maybe a couple of pictures? It will help me if I can visualise where you are. You mean a lot to me so above all else, stay safe. S x x **

Tears came into her eyes and she blinked rapidly, wiping them away with the backs of her hands.

‘_Come on Campbell, pull yourself together. You’ve survived worse than this and probably will again.’ _

Giving herself a shake she went back upstairs to get ready to face the day ahead. She intended to do exactly as Bernie had suggested and ask Jason if he was free to meet up sometime over the weekend. She had been a little lax in attending her sign language classes, given the distraction of discovering her attraction to women..well specifically one woman, so she knew that she would still be nervous about her ability to communicate clearly. But that was no reason not to try and she was keen to make him understand she took her new role as Auntie very seriously. By the time she was showered and dressed she was pleased to see a reply from him saying he would love to see her again. She arranged to pick him up from her local rail station to bring him home and cook Sunday lunch for him. He asked if she could find more pictures of his grandmother and herself when she was younger, and he would bring some photos of his mother to share with her. Serena got a lump in her throat whenever she thought of the sister that she never met, and felt slightly guilty about her own secure childhood. Couldn’t help wondering, when Marjorie had been told about her adoption, if she had struggled with the knowledge that her birth mother had given her away. She felt a tear run down her cheek at the thought, and she brushed it away angrily.

‘_Everything feels so raw. Thanks to Berenice bloody Wolfe I’m an emotional wreck.’_

She started to apply her make-up, and pretended she was putting on a mask to face the world.

‘_She’s not going to make me feel I’m not worth the trouble. If I survived Edward then I can survive this.’_

Bernie had been right about one thing. From the moment she set foot on Ukrainian soil she’d scarcely had time to think about anything other than the job in front of her. She had been met at the airport and driven straight to the hospital for a meeting with the manager and a couple of the doctors she would be working alongside. After the formal welcome she was taken on a whistle stop tour of the hospital and shown the construction site of what was to be the purpose built trauma unit. She was then taken to see the spartan looking flat that was to be her living quarters for the duration of her secondment and told that she would be expected to be on duty from 8.00am on Monday. They were surprised when she asked permission to work for the rest of the day so that she could familiarise herself with the place before starting work in earnest at the beginning of next week, but were more than happy to see the famous Major Berenice Wolfe in action. So after a quick shower and change of clothes she headed to their equivalent of Pulses to grab a coffee and sandwich, and in under an hour she was thrown into the thick of it in the Emergency dept. She was relieved to find that there wasn’t as much of a language barrier as she’d feared, as most of the doctors and some of the nurses had a more than adequate level of English, and were capable of acting as interpreters with some of the patients. Although she didn’t take the lead on any surgeries, she was invited to assist and advise when a couple of people had received traumatic injuries as a result of a RTC.

It was six hours later that she returned to her accommodation feeling exhausted, although she would never had admitted it to her new colleagues. She had grabbed another sandwich and tea on her way home as well as a couple of bars of chocolate, and she ate and drank mindlessly while slumped in front of her laptop. Her exhaustion was more emotional than physical and she was struggling with having to compose a message to Serena to let her know she had arrived safely. The knowledge that if she hadn’t been such a coward she would in all likelihood be curled up in Serena’s arms right now wasn’t helping. She also needed to let Charlotte and Cameron know she was okay too, so finally decided to send the same email to all three as a group, telling them she was very tired, gave her address details and promised she would be in touch in a few days when things had settled down a bit. She sighed as she pressed send, knowing that she had taken the easy way out, and sure that Serena would not be happy with such a perfunctory message. Crawling into bed she curled up into a ball trying to blot out from her mind that this time last week she had been in bed with Serena, feeling happier than she had for many months.

She was correct in the assumption that Serena wouldn't be ecstatic with her rather formal email, but at the same time she was grateful to know where Bernie was living and took heart from that. She had doubted that Bernie would tell her in case she was tempted to turn up at her door. Over the next couple of weeks Serena kept herself as busy as she could, always pleased if a text arrived on her phone from Bernie, and tried not to get upset that they were mostly work related, even if she continued to sign off with a couple of kisses. In vain Serena tried to engage with her by asking questions about what she was doing outside of work, had she made any friends for instance, or did she have a local restaurant she frequented? When Bernie refused to interact with her over anything that had to do with her social life she began to feel anxious. She couldn’t decide if her reluctance came from the fact that she was having a good time but didn’t want to upset Serena by admitting it, or if she was truly so involved in doing her job she had no time for anything else. Neither of these options made her feel better about them being so many miles apart and to avoid further disappointment Serena simply stopped asking, and by the fifth week of Bernie’s secondment the promised contact had dwindled to virtually nothing. But it wasn’t as if Serena had had much time to herself either. The proposal for the trauma bay had been completed with lots of blood, sweat and tears, resulting in many a sleepless night, and had finally been put before the board. Henrik had promised that he would let her know as soon he did and yet a week later and there was still no news. She had begun to hang all her hopes on this as a means of luring Bernie back. Surely, even if she had decided that their relationship was over before it had started, she would still feel she had a duty to return, as the main feature of their bid was that they had Major Berenice Wolfe to lead and advise on it and the prestige that would bring to Holby. Serena knew she was getting more and more irritable through lack of sleep and worry, so that even Jason, whom she was meeting with on a weekly basis, was beginning to query if there was something wrong with her.

When a few days later, Henrik came down to AAU to confirm that the green light had been given by the trustees, Serena felt a huge sense of relief.

“I wonder if you would mind letting Ms Wolfe know that everything is ready to move forward, so that the hospital would appreciate her return to be on time. I’m not inclined to agree to any extension to her secondment so I hope that I won’t have to pull rank on her.”

Serena was alarmed by his tone.

“Why? Do you expect there to be a delay? Have you heard something?”

“Not exactly, no. But the hospital in question has been very enthusiastic about her presence, and I would imagine they would quite like to keep her for longer if she agreed.”

Serena swallowed with difficulty, panicking at the thought of Bernie choosing to stay on any longer than was necessary.

“Then perhaps you should be the one to send the email? I mean, surely you would want to tell her the good news and make her understand that staying on is not an option. I don’t feel as though I could persuade her any more than you could.”

Serena began to fiddle with her necklace as she spoke, and could feel her face growing warm under Henrik’s scrutiny.

“No. I think it may have more impact coming from you. I know appealing to her sense of duty and reminding her of her contract is likely to work, but I hope she will return because she _wants_ to be here, not because she feels she has no choice. And, as someone who has worked closely with her, I think the personal touch is possibly what will work best.”

Hanssen started to leave but paused as he got to the door.

“Remind her of what she stands to lose….oh, and copy me into the email if you would.” And then he was gone.

Serena could feel herself trembling and she prayed that no one would arrive on the ward that would require her immediate attention. Henrik’s words had shaken her. The fact that _she _had been anxious about whether Bernie would return she could put down to her own insecurities, but to hear Henrik express the same fears made it all the more real.

‘_Does he know something I don’t?’_

Serena pushed herself away from the desk, feeling sick. She needed to get out of the office and away from the ward. Shouting that she would be back soon to whoever might be listening she all but ran into the corridor and headed for the stairs that would take her to the roof. When she burst through the doors at the very top she hurtled into the open air taking great gulps of it, as if she had been suffocating. Stumbling over the few steps onto the flat roof she gripped the handrail, staring with unseeing eyes at the hospital grounds and the city beyond that. Somewhere from the back of her mind came the memory of breathing in through your nose, holding the breath for a count of three and then exhaling slowly through your mouth was a good way of dealing with anxiety, and for the next few minutes she did exactly that. As her mind focused solely on these actions her breathing slowed and a semblance of calm washed over her as her hands relaxed their iron hold on the metalwork in front of her. Gradually an awareness of her surroundings returned and she heard herself give a shaky laugh.

‘_Thank god there was no one else up here, or anyone down there looking up. They would have been convinced I was about to jump.’_

Pretty certain that what she had just experienced was a mild panic attack she slowly moved away from the edge of the roof and made her way carefully back towards the door, still taking slow deep breaths. She decided that the best thing was to return to her ward and get on with the routine and very necessary chores, of seeing patients and making sure her staff were coping. A few hours delay in composing her email to Bernie was not going to make any difference to the outcome and Serena needed to be doing things that absorbed her complete attention. When she pushed through the doors to AAU she was relieved to find that everything seemed under control and that heads didn’t turn accusingly in her direction, meaning that she hadn’t really been missed. Walking over to the nurse’s station she smiled as Fletcher moved swiftly to the bedside of a patient who had just started to throw up. Swiftly following him she appeared at his side and received a thankful smile in return.

“Right nurse Fletcher, who do we have here? And how can I help?”

For the moment Serena Campbell was back in control and doing what she did best.

It had been another long exhausting day for Bernie, but that had been entirely her choice. After the first week in Kiev she had hardly ever left the hospital on time, choosing to work into the late evening rather than return to her flat and have her mind constantly churn over what she had left behind, or rather who. During the working day she could push everything she felt to the back of her mind, always able to focus on the job in hand, whether it was some poor sod lying on the operating table in front of her, or in a meeting ironing out some problem with the equipment or staffing of the trauma unit. But at night, unless she was physically completely spent, she spent too many hours thinking about her children, about Holby and of course about Serena. So many people had told her over the years how brave (or foolish) she was, putting herself in the front line, saving lives in the face of hatred and war, but the truth was she never thought of herself that way. It was her job, and one she was damn good at so why wouldn’t she choose to be where she could do the most good? Somehow though, this time she just felt weak. She wasn’t in Kiev to right the wrongs that humans inflicted on other humans…well not primarily anyway. The sort of injuries she was seeing here, she could see in Holby. So apart from helping to get the ‘state of the art’ trauma unit up and running which she was pretty sure they could have accomplished quite admirably without her, why on earth was she hiding in her room every minute that she wasn’t working.

‘_You know why, and don’t try to pretend you don’t.’_

Before she climbed into bed and pulled the cover up over her head she gritted her teeth and opened her laptop to check her emails. She had Skyped a couple of times with Charlotte, but in the main they had conversed via messenger or email. When she saw her inbox contained a message from Holby City Hospital she immediately thought that Hanssen was checking that everything was going well and to schedule, so she didn’t think before opening it. When she saw that Serena had in fact sent it she actually gasped and then laughed.

‘_That cunning woman, it’s as if she knew that I might put off reading any obvious missive from her.’_

She actually felt a sense of delight that Serena had tricked her, and she couldn’t really blame her for the subterfuge. She’d obviously used a generic computer, possibly one of the ones for booking appointments because as Bernie would freely admit the last twice she hadn’t replied to a personal message from Serena, only included her in ones that she sent to her children telling them that she was okay and hoped they were too. Deciding she may as well read it now that she’d opened it she frowned slightly when she saw that it had been cc’d to Henrik as well.

**Hanssen has asked me to let you know that the board has given the go-ahead for the trauma bay on AAU. **

Bernie’s frown deepened, wondering why Hanssen hadn’t contacted her himself. As she read on things became a little clearer.

**He wanted me to be the one to tell you because of the joint effort we put into the proposal so considered I should be the one to break the good news.**

‘_Not true about the proposal,’ _thought Bernie ruefully. Apart from facts and figures Serena had done all the collating and typing and re-typing until it was in a format to present to the board.

**He also seemed to think that you would mind less if ** _ **I** _ ** reminded you of your responsibilities here rather than him. I can’t think why, we seem to have lost touch over the weeks since you left, haven’t we?**

Bernie felt the cold finger of fear creep into her brain. Serena sounded…resigned rather than upset. Had she decided already that they were a mistake? Not that she could blame her, this mess had been all her idea.

‘_God…when will I realise that none of my ideas about relationships are ever worth listening to…’_

She pressed her fingers against her eyelids for a moment and then took a deep breath before reading the rest.

**Anyway..I hope you’re pleased with the outcome and rest assured that your return will be warmly welcomed by the hospital. The staff on AAU miss you, and I look forward to working with you again.**

**Please let us both know as soon as you have a definite date for your flight back. I will need to cancel any locum cover asap to minimise our wages bill.**

**Take care.**

**Serena Campbell **

Bernie couldn’t stop the sob that escaped her as she pushed the laptop to one side and let her head fall back against the wall with a thud. Her mouth was compressed into a thin line and her eyes were closed tightly shut. It didn’t stop the single tear that rolled down her cheek though. She slid down the bed and lay there for a while trying to work out what she should do next. She could accept, if that’s what it came down to, that she and Serena were over before they’d really begun, but she was right, she did have an obligation to her and Hanssen to see the trauma bay up and running and the sooner she did that the sooner she could look at her options. For Serena’s sake she felt she needed to just do the job and move on. Perhaps the QE hospital in Birmingham would have room for her in their world renowned military critical care ward, and it would at least mean she would be close to her daughter. Making the decision in her head didn’t help her feel any better though, and all she did was replay that wonderful night in the Cotswolds over and over in her head thinking of what might have been. Unable to grab more than a couple of hours sleep, as day dawned she took a lukewarm shower and then within forty minutes she was striding back to the hospital to get in a couple of hours work before she went to meet with the Administrator to ask to be released a few days early from her contract. Subject to flight availability she wanted to be U.K. bound within the next 48 hours.

Serena really didn’t expect an immediate answer to her message but she couldn’t help feel disappointment when she checked her emails the next morning. Not for the first time she told herself to ‘man up’ as she started the ward rounds, putting on a brave front as she talked to patients and joked with her colleagues in between new admissions and a straightforward appendectomy that she observed Dr Digby tackle very successfully. So when she got back to her office at lunchtime, clutching a coffee and a Danish pastry, she was quite astounded to see a message in her inbox from the Major. Taking a steadying breath she clicked on it and with a clenched jaw she read Bernie’s reply noting that it had also been sent to Hanssen.

**I was extremely pleased to hear that you have been successful. I say ** _ **you** _ ** Serena, because in reality all the hard graft was done by you and I’m sure it consumed a great deal of your time. I’m very grateful.**

Serena shook her head slightly at how formal she sounded.

**Of course I hadn’t forgotten that I’m expected back there in the next week or so, but I have spoken to the head of staff here after receiving your email yesterday, and he has agreed that I may return to Holby before the official end of my secondment, as my work here is more or less completed.**

Serena’s stomach flipped slightly at the news.

**Mr Hanssen, they will be sending you a notification of the end of my contract, along with an assessment of my work, and I think they require you to sign something that agrees to my leaving their employment earlier than planned.**

**I shall be flying back on Thursday morning and will be reporting for duty on Friday at 9.00am. I hope this is enough notice for you Ms Campbell, and I look forward to catching up with things then. You can tell everyone that I’ve missed them too. It will be good to see you all.**

**B. Wolfe**

Serena exhaled slowly, not having realised she had been holding her breath. She was both excited and terrified of seeing Bernie again but was upset at how officious and distant she sounded. She accepted that she was simply following the correct procedures and perhaps her own email had been of a similar vein, but worry was already creeping into her mind.

‘_She sounds so closed off again. Please don’t let it be because she’s decided she doesn’t want me..us, anymore.’_

She told her staff that she was going to speak with Hanssen and spent the next three hours in his office discussing and rejigging the work rota to accommodate Bernie’s return. Although she was seemingly an extra pair of hands again, they had to take into account how much time the implementation of the trauma bay would take them both away from AAU. When they were as satisfied as they could be, Henrik pushed back in his chair and studied Serena closely.

“I expect you are very pleased to know your co-lead will be taking up the reins again Ms Campbell. And yet you don’t look as happy as I thought you’d be.”

Serena stuttered slightly as she replied.

“What makes you…I mean of course it will make things..” she sighed. “It’s just that…well, when she cleared off to Kiev I’d only just got used to working with her, and now that I’ve got used to working without her again it feels like I’m back where I started.”

She looked at Henrik’s inscrutable face and shrugged her shoulders.

“Don’t worry about it. I’m sure that we’ll soon find a way through it, we do have a trauma bay to build after all. You know me Henrik, professional to the last.”

Henrik inclined his head in acknowledgment of the truth of her words.

“Indeed. You are one of the few people that can make my job a little easier. But, if you find yourself struggling…for whatever reason, then don’t hesitate to inform me. I wouldn’t want to lose either of you, but particularly _you_ Serena.”

The concern in his voice made Serena well up inside, and before he could see any tears she stood up, and thanking him she made her way back to her ward.

She gathered her staff and informed them of Bernie’s imminent return, nearly all of whom were very keen to be working with her again. Only Fletcher seemed less than enthusiastic about it, and when she had dismissed them, he stayed behind.

“Are you okay with this?” he asked quietly.

Serena raised an eyebrow.

“Yes. Why wouldn’t I be? We always knew she would be coming back, and we worked well together before didn’t we?”

Fletch nodded.

“Yes of course. It’s simply that…” he shrugged his shoulders. “I suppose I thought that you had been rather upset at her sudden departure, you know, on a personal level.”

“Nonsense!” Serena was a little louder than she had intended, and dropped her voice before continuing. “I admit I enjoyed working with Bernie and it was a shock when she left for the secondment but I’m confident we will be able to get things back to how they were soon enough.”

Nodding once again, Fletcher gave Serena’s arm a small squeeze before he moved away.

On Friday morning a rather nervous Berenice Wolfe walked through the doors of Wyvern Wing of Holby City hospital, a little later than she had intended having spent a good half an hour searching for some sellotape to help wrap the bottle of wine she had bought for Serena. She knew she was supposed to report to Hanssen first, but wanted to get the undoubtedly more awkward meeting with Serena out of the way. She honestly didn’t know what to expect but had rehearsed over and over in her head what she wanted to say. Unfortunately if Serena didn’t respond to her in the way she anticipated then she was stuffed as unusually, she had no plan B.

Bypassing the crowd of people waiting for the lift she galloped up the stairs and arrived outside AAU breathing heavily. She slid through the doors and made for the office before anyone could spot her.

She couldn’t decide if she was relieved or not that Serena wasn’t there, and quickly hung up her coat and put the gift onto Serena’s desk, before sitting in front of her own computer. She was still staring at it with unseeing eyes when the door opened and a very soft but croaky voice said “Bernie.”

Her head whirled round to see Serena standing almost frozen to the spot, and as their eyes met they both exhaled loudly, which prompted Serena to move forward, closing the door behind her. As she walked over to sit at her desk Bernie couldn’t quite gather her thoughts to make any sort of comment.

‘_God, how could I have forgotten just how captivating that face is.’_

Before she could utter anything Serena spoke again fairly brusquely.

“Welcome back. It’s good to see you.” She picked up the bottle and raised an eyebrow teasingly.

“What’s this?”

Bernie blinked a couple of times before finding her voice.

“It’s a…a gift. From me to you. And it’s good to be back.”

She tried to hold Serena’s gaze but biting her lip she slid her eyes downwards. Serena could see how uncomfortable she felt and wanted to help her get past these awkward moments, but then the memory of how much hurt she had felt kicked in and ignoring the present, (_after all it’s not as if I can’t guess what it _is) she simply leant back in her chair.

“Have you been to see Hanssen yet?”

Bernie shook her head, and the sight of those golden curls moving across her face nearly had Serena jumping out of her chair to run her fingers through them.

“No, I um…thought I, no, I wanted to see _you_..first.”

Serena gave a small huff.

“Surprising, given that you seemed to be actively avoiding keeping in touch, you could barely string two words together for me while you were away.”

Serena slapped her hand down on the desk and stood up abruptly, moving to lean against the filing cabinet in the corner.

“Do you have any idea how that made me feel? Just to be ‘included’ in emails to your children and Hanssen? Apart from a couple of texts I had nothing from you on a _personal_ level.”

Bernie felt herself bristle.

“Well, you didn’t spend a lot of time trying to keep in contact with me either, after the first two weeks.”

“You’re the one that left for god’s sake! And when I did ask you things about what you were doing over there you never responded! Just inserted me in messages telling everyone you were busy but okay thank you very much! What was I supposed to think, other than you’d lost interest…in me?”

Serena was finding it difficult to contain the bitterness she had felt and clamped her lips together to stop herself from getting even more upset and saying something really hurtful.

Bernie closed her eyes shut and thought how she never managed to get this right, all the words and explanations she had ready having fled her brain from the moment she had laid eyes on this woman again. She stood and walked towards Serena, turning at the last moment so they were now standing side by side.

“I’m sorry.” She spread her hands wide in a helpless gesture. “I was…am rubbish. I know.”

Serena turned her head away and clenched her jaw.

“And that’s it? I’m supposed to forgive and forget? Pretend everything is fine? I..I don’t know if I can do that.”

“No, Serena no!” Bernie was feeling panic-stricken. Never mind what she had planned to say she knew she had to try and reclaim even a little of what they had.

“I know I’ve done things wrong…I’ve said the wrong things…or perhaps just not said the _right_ things. I went away, knowing I was hurting you, and that was so wrong… but I think I hurt myself just as much…if not more.”

Serena’s eyes widened in surprise and she turned her head to look at Bernie, who this time forced herself to keep looking at her.

“All the time I was over there, when I wasn’t working all I could think about was you, Serena. It still is. It’s the reason I was doing at least 12 hour shifts because when I was all alone in my room I missed you so much it felt unbearable.”

Serena shook her head sadly.

“And yet you couldn’t bring yourself to tell me that..or ask how I was coping? I felt just as alone as you did, because even though I have friends here, I couldn’t talk to them about you, about how much I missed _you_! I’m still not sure how we put this right. How do we function now that we seem even further apart than ever.”

Serena felt something crumple inside and with a gasp she slid off the cabinet and onto the floor, which startled Bernie and she dropped to her knees to ascertain that she was okay.

“Serena, what’s wrong? Do you feel dizzy? Or sick?”

She reached out to check her pulse and Serena batted her hand away and groaned in frustration.

“Oh for heaven’s sake Bernie. For someone who is so quick to spot life-threatening injuries and have the best way to treat them mapped out in your head, even as you’re cutting them open in the operating theatre, you can be incredibly dim. I like you Bernie…I mean I _really _like you and right now I don’t know what to do about that. You seem to think you know what’s good for me, so any ideas?”

Bernie sat back and swivelled herself around so that she was next to Serena their shoulders touching. She placed her hand over Serena’s that was resting flat on the floor and gently intertwined her fingers causing them both to sigh.

“I did try to tell you I’m an idiot, and I’d repeat it but I’m sure you’ve already worked that one out for yourself.”

Serena made a murmur of assent as she rested her head against Bernie’s shoulder.

“Could we…is it possible? I mean would you mind…because well I think you know that….”

Bernie felt Serena shift slightly and heard a very low, but definite growl in her right ear.

“Bernie.” It was definitely a warning.

“Sorry, right, yes I know. I..I _more_ than like you too Serena, and I don’t want to ruin this anymore than I already have. So perhaps…we could go back to getting to know each other a little better, sort of dating, before…” Bernie ran out of words to use without causing even more hurt.

“Before we revisit the Cotswold experience?” Serena said much more softly.

Bernie nodded.

“Not because I didn’t enjoy it, because I did, I _really_ did, but I think we could have a connection that is more than just that side of things.”

“You mean sex,” said Serena in an amused tone, rolling her eyes.

Bernie felt herself turn a little pink, knowing she was sounding like an adolescent.

“Yes. And we do have a lot on our plate at work right now with the trauma bay and running AAU. I think it’s wise, don’t you?”

Serena took a long, slow breath.

“I suppose so. As long as kissing isn’t off the table completely I think I can go along with that.”

Bernie smiled, her heart feeling as if it was going to take up too much room in her chest.

“Even I don’t think that would be achievable Ms Campbell, you are far too delectable to deny myself that luxury.”

“Thank god for that! In that case Ms Wolfe, welcome home.”

And reaching up to curl her hand around Bernie’s neck she pulled her head down so that their lips met in a tender kiss, full of promise. It was both a better start and ending to their morning than either of them had believed possible.


	14. Begin Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Serena and Bernie try to put the pieces of their lives back together

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, a lot has happened since I made the claim that this would be the last chapter, and guess what? It's not.  
For various reasons I have taken much longer than I anticipated to finish this, mainly because my focus, like many of you I'm sure, has been elsewhere of late. So I decided to post what I already had and try to wrap it up with one chapter to go. But who knows?

Chapter 14 : Begin again.

It took a good few minutes for either of them to stop kissing long enough to remember exactly where they were. Breathing heavily Serena managed to finally find the willpower to push them apart.

“I’m pretty sure that door isn’t locked,” she said, “and if the amount of lipstick around your mouth is anything to go by, then I need to repair the damage to mine, pdq.”

Bernie was grinning stupidly, unable to tear her eyes away from Serena’s face.

“I should give yourself a couple of minutes before you do. I think we both have that ‘well-kissed’ look.”

Serena felt herself blush and a shy smile spread over her face. Bernie cleared her throat.

“Um, first things first. Am I right to assume you’d still rather people didn’t know about this…us?”

Serena gave an apologetic look and fiddled with her necklace

“Right at this moment? I think so, yes.”

When she saw a small look of disappointment cross Bernie’s face she added quickly,

“But I may well rethink that...quite soon. I’m not sure how good a secret it is anyway, my morose state while you were away has already put Fletcher’s ‘juicy rumour’ sense on high alert. Wouldn’t be surprised if he’s already running a book on the outcome.”

Bernie was about to say something when the phone in the office started to ring. Serena scrambled hastily to her feet before another member of staff decided to come in to answer it if she didn’t pick up in time. Smoothing down her hair that Bernie had recently been stroking her fingers through, she seamlessly switched into consultant mode as she lifted the phone to her ear.

“Serena Campbell,” she stated in a clipped tone.

There were a few moments silence as she listened, and when she spoke again her voice was professional but softer.

“Yes Henrik, she has arrived and was about to come up to see you. Did you want to speak to her first?”

Serena caught sight of a slightly worried looking Bernie levering herself up from the floor, and had to suppress a smile.

“No, of course she hadn’t forgotten. She simply wanted to drop off her stuff here first, and make sure that I, and the staff were fully on board with her return. She is well aware that her abrupt departure caused one or two problems.”

Bernie was busy trying to tidy her own hair with her fingers, which wasn’t really working, and she pulled a face at Serena’s words.

“Both of us?”

Serena’s hand flew to her throat and then flapped at Bernie, indicating for her to pass over her handbag.

“No, that’s not a problem. I’m relatively free until around 10.00. I’ll just need time to explain to the staff where both of their leads will be for the next 30 minutes or so, and to make sure there are no matters that need to be dealt with urgently.”

She propped the phone between her shoulder and cheek as she started to rummage through her bag for her lipstick.

“Yes of course….no, Henrik everything is fine. No, that doesn’t worry me anymore, I’m sure things will be back to normal on AAU in no time. Yes…we’ll both be with you in the next ten minutes.”

Putting the phone down on the desk she looked at Bernie who was standing with her hands on her hips.

“So you told Hanssen you were worried……about me? About working with me? Did you tell him why?”

Serena huffed.

“No, of course not. I..I didn’t say anything specific. I just warned him that there was likely to be an adjustment period, that things _might_ be awkward…at least to start with. He was concerned that any disagreements could affect the trauma unit, and I needed him to know that we had some communication problems. To be fair Bernie, I would have found things very difficult if you’d come back and said that you didn’t want to be more than friends.”

Bernie pursed her lips and exhaled, noisily.

“So that’s Henrik _and_ Fletcher with their suspicions.” She suddenly smiled and winked at Serena. “It appears we may have been kidding ourselves if we thought we were doing a good job of hiding our feelings.”

As Serena finished applying a new coat of lipstick, she paused for a moment trying to organise her thoughts.

“You know, maybe I _am_ wrong about still trying to pretend there’s nothing between us. I mean all the important people in our lives already know that we’re attracted to each other, like Elinor and Charlotte. I’m not sure if you’ve said anything to Cameron, but I’d be surprised if his sister hasn’t at least given him a hint…and oh, well, Jason, I probably do need to say something to him soon.”

“Oh Jason knows more than you think,” interjected Bernie. “He asked Charlotte pretty much the day he first met you if we were ‘together’. He picked up on how often we looked around for each other too, even when our attention was supposed to be elsewhere.”

After being momentarily alarmed at Bernie’s words, Serena shrugged her shoulders.

“Okay, here’s what I’m thinking. Because we’ve agreed to sort of start over again, I don’t want to make any big announcement but neither do I feel we should pretend, or feel we need to lie about it, particularly if someone asks outright. While we’re at work we need to be professional, even though I’m not going to be able to stop myself giving you a soppy look across the ward sometimes. Agreed?”

Bernie pulled Serena into a close hug.

“Thank you,” she whispered. “I really didn’t want to go back into hiding.”

She let Serena go, wiping a small tear that had collected in the corner of her eye.

“And, speaking professionally, I think it’s time to hightail it up to our CEO before he sends out a search party. And we might need to flag up our budding relationship too. I’d hate to find out there is a hospital policy about ‘close friends’ working together that might be frowned upon, especially if ‘the powers that be’ think we’ve tried to hide it.”

As they left the office and headed for the lift Serena felt a welcome sense of peace wash over her, knowing that they were both, more or less, on the same page. Following on from those agonising weeks of uncertainty and fear, she felt enveloped by a state of calm that twenty four hours ago she had thought beyond her grasp. Henrik formally welcomed Bernie back to Holby and outlined the work plan for the trauma bay. He stressed he wanted Ms Wolfe to primarily focus all her attention on that, and definitely not be scheduled for elective surgeries. He did however inform them that Serena had the power to overrule that directive as she saw fit, or if AAU were in need of any extra assistance.

He pressed his hands together as if in prayer and tapped them against his mouth before continuing.

“Ms Wolfe, I’m sure you realise that Ms Campbell had to deal with the gap that was left by your secondment, mainly on her own. I’m anxious that she feels fully supported now that you’re back, so I hope this won’t be difficult for you to accept.”

Bernie nodded her agreement.

“Of course Mr Hanssen. I will always respond quickly to any request for help from Ms Campbell. We both want what’s best for the patients and the hospital.”

She couldn’t resist looking fondly in Serena’s direction, and after a few seconds of gazing into her co-lead’s eyes, Serena took the bull by the horns and added her voice to the conversation.

“Mr Hanssen….Henrik…I, we think you should be aware of a fairly recent development in our,” she indicated Bernie and herself, “working, and erm..personal relationship.”

Henrik leaned back in his chair and looked at them carefully, betraying nothing of what he was thinking, which made Serena falter slightly.

“We are..” she paused to take a deep breath. “We have both realised we have..feelings..quite strong.. feelings for each other and..” Serena paused again, and Bernie seeing her struggling, took her cue and interrupted. She didn’t want Hanssen to think she was leaving this all to Serena.

“We are going to try and start..dating. We are not looking for your permission to do so, but we realised that given how closely we work together, that you needed to know. I..we, can assure you that we will be professional _and_ discreet and that it will not impact on the smooth running of the hospital.”

Serena gave her a grateful smile as they waited for Henrik to respond. Never one to speak without carefully considering his words they waited impatiently.

“There is no hospital policy, as I’m sure Ms Campbell is probably aware, that would mean you would be breaking your terms of contract. But I have to consider that whilst you were away Ms Wolfe I did occasionally observe a lack of focus in you, Serena. I wouldn’t want to see that repeated on a larger scale. If things don’t go the way that you are both hoping, can you really guarantee that it won’t affect your working relationship as well?”

Serena eyes flashed with annoyance, a little embarrassed that Henrik seemed to think he had noticed a change in her when Bernie was in Kiev and that it would be herself that would crumple if things went wrong. She jumped to her feet.

“If that ‘lack of focus’ as you call it was so evident, then why didn’t you say something at the time. Whatever you thought you saw could just as easily have been a result of tiredness! And I never once put a patient in danger, as you well know.”

She took a steadying breath.

“If something happened that meant we couldn’t work together, I hope you know me well enough to know I’d come and talk to you. And I’m sure that Ms Wolfe would too. As it is I have performed some of the best surgery of my life, working alongside Bernie, and I do not anticipate that to change.”

Bernie reached for Serena’s hand and pulled her back to her chair, as she joined in.

“I completely agree with Serena, so I would like you to know that you have my agreement, in advance and in writing if you prefer, that if you can prove that anyone's life has suffered or been put at risk _because_ of our relationship, then I will submit my resignation, immediately.”

Serena was slightly taken aback by Bernie’s declaration but managed to nod her agreement. Hanssen spent another few moments studying them.

“Thank you both, for your honesty. That is all for now, Ms Wolfe, you may return to your duties. Ms Campbell, I need to go over a few more points before Monday.”

Bernie wasn’t too happy about the abrupt dismissal, but she got to her feet, giving Serena’s shoulder a small squeeze, and left.

Serena looked at Henrik quizzically and he sighed.

“I’m speaking as a friend Serena, and I’m wondering if you fully appreciate the..scrutiny you and Ms Wolfe will be subjected to if and when your relationship becomes well known?”

Serena rolled her eyes and then looked at him directly as she answered.

“I thank you for your concern but I think trying to avoid the rumour mill is a pointless exercise that will make things far worse in the long run. We’re in agreement that we shall not be shouting it from the rooftops, but neither of us is going to hide it, especially outside of the hospital. I freely admit that this is new ground for me and…well, it’s a little scary if I’m honest. But I’m also very happy about it and you have my word that we will not do anything that will compromise you or Holby.”

Hanssen’s normally expressionless face broke into a small smile.

“In that case Serena, I’m very pleased for you both. Remember I am always here, there is very little I wouldn’t do for you. I hope you know that.”

Serena gave him a grateful smile and then left to return to AAU. Bernie was already changed into her light blue scrubs doing the ward round with nurse Jackson, and Serena couldn’t help but focus on that very firm derrière as she reached across a bed. Reluctantly tearing her eyes away she opened the door to the office and was startled when Fletcher followed swiftly behind, closing the door behind him.

“Sorry to interrupt Ms Campbell, just wanted to check that everything is okay, with you and… erm, Ms Wolfe? You know, having to share responsibilities, and things, again.”

His voice tailed off as Serena tried to look annoyed at his poor attempt to catch her off guard, but failed miserably and instead she merely nodded.

“All is good, thank you Fletch, nothing for you or anyone, to be concerned about. Except of course there is a trauma bay to be built, and to that end I need you to bring me the nurses’ rota for the next 4 weeks as soon as possible. Ms Wolfe and I need to work out when trauma training for anyone who is interested, can take place. I will be the go to person for anything regarding AAU, as Ms Wolfe’s focus will necessarily be elsewhere for the time being. Understood?”

Fletcher nodded and promised to get them to her by the end of the day, major incidents permitting. As he was turning to leave, the door opened and Bernie came striding in making him step back. His mouth curved into a smile.

“It’s good to have you back Ms Wolfe. Things just weren’t the same after you left, were they Ms Campbell?”

This time the sharpness in Serena’s voice left no room for misunderstandings.

“That will be _all_ nurse Fletcher, unless you’re looking for some double shifts in the very near future?”

Wiping the smile from his face, he made a hasty exit.

Sitting down Serena rolled her eyes at Bernie who moved across to sit on the edge of her desk reaching for her hand.

“We’re all going to have to make adjustments, some more than others,” she said, as she gently squeezed Serena’s hand. “But the novelty will wear off quickly, I’m certain. Something else will soon be more interesting than us for gossip, and I know all of the AAU family will be supportive.”

Serena gave a little sigh.

“I know, thank you for reminding me. I must remember that we’re not hurting anyone, and if anyone objects, it’s their problem, not ours. When we’re here we just need to do what we do best…save lives. Right?”

Bernie let go of Serena’s hand and stood up.

“Exactly. And in that case, shall we get on with it? I would appreciate a second opinion on Mr Taylor in Bed 3 if you have the time?”

Bernie returned to the ward with Serena following closely behind.

Serena had been hoping that this weekend might be a good time to go on that ‘first’ date, but it wasn’t to be. Bernie explained that having been away for so long she really felt she should meet up with both of her children. She had arranged for Cameron to come and stay over with her on Saturday and then they were both going to visit Charlotte on Sunday. She didn’t expect to be home before 9.00pm and would need to get straight to bed as her shift started at 7.30 the following morning. Serena hid her disappointment as best as she could and arranged for Elinor to come and meet Jason for the first time on Sunday. He was now settled into a routine of coming to Serena’s home for a roast dinner at least once a week and she was gradually becoming less self conscious about her signing ability, and he was getting more confident about using his own voice if she was struggling to understand. With Bernie now back in England she finally felt as though each corner of her life were all pulling together.

The following weeks felt strange for both of them. Serena in particular found it hard to switch off her newly found feelings for Bernie, especially now she was certain this was something she wanted to explore. It had seemed easy to agree to take things slowly when she was sitting on the floor of their office in the arms of the woman who had pulled the rug from under her feet, but when she was gazing at her across the ward, desperate for the reassurance a kiss would bring, she found it more difficult than she had imagined.

They fell into a pattern of only going on dates at the weekend, occasionally visiting stately homes and gardens with one of their children and Jason. Sometimes it was a simple leisurely walk in the countryside that surrounded Holby, and Bernie thought she enjoyed that activity most of all. It was so freeing to be away from crowds, holding hands without a second thought, no eyes turning towards them if she pulled Serena into a hug as she nuzzled into her neck. And certainly no one judging them if her desire overcame her and she pressed Serena against a tree, to kiss her, repeatedly. The very fact they were in a public space also helped to keep a lid on her need to take it further, which was building every day.

Serena on the other hand preferred the intimacy of a late night meal in a small restaurant, after a visit to the theatre or cinema. She thrilled at how their eyes locked across a table, her own flashing with mischief and promise that forced Bernie to look away. She loved watching Bernie eat, especially anything that might cause her to lick her lips and give a small moan at how good it tasted. That did all sorts of things to Serena’s stomach and she would feel compelled to seek out Bernie’s hand undercover of the table, shivering as their fingers entwined. The secretiveness of it seeming to add another layer of excitement that she found so romantic.

It had been on a night such as this that found them standing on Serena’s doorstep having walked home. As she unlocked the door, Serena turned around as she felt Bernie’s arms sliding around her waist.

“I suppose you’re going to get straight into your car and drive home?” Serena said quietly as she tried to damp down the pleading tone in her voice. “As usual.”

Bernie looked embarrassed.

“Well,” she said hesitantly, “I was hoping it would be alright if I came in for about an hour? I did drink more than I’d intended, and as it’s a Friday evening I don’t want to give the Holby police force a reason to pull me over…if you’re sure you don’t mind?”

Serena felt her heartbeat quicken and did her best to dampen down her evident pleasure that Bernie wasn’t going to dash away.

“Of course,” she said lightly, as she stepped away from Bernie to push open the door. “Sounds like a coffee might be in order then.”

“Perfect,” said Bernie as she followed her into the hall and held out her hand for Serena’s coat to hang up.

Serena made straight for the kitchen to switch on the coffee machine, and then leant against the sink taking deep slow breaths to stay in control. She was in complete agreement with their decision to get to know each other better, but she had never been very good at denying her sexual appetite, and everyday that passed it was getting harder to control. If she wasn’t so scared that Bernie might run for the hills again she would have made a move at least a couple of weeks ago, even though Bernie had been adamant it wouldn’t happen again. She was so lost in her thoughts that she jumped at the sound of Bernie’s voice coming from the lounge.

“Everything alright in there? Instant would have been fine you know.”

“Just coming,” she shouted back, her hands shaking slightly as she poured the coffee into two large mugs.

Bernie was sitting on the sofa, watching The Blue Planet, and as Serena handed her the coffee, she patted the seat next to her, indicating for Serena to sit down. With an inward sigh she did as requested, trying not to make it obvious that she was leaving a gap between them, not sure, for all her flirting in the restaurant, that she could cope if their bodies were touching. They sat for a while in silence, both staring at the TV, although Serena couldn’t have told you two minutes later what she had seen. Bernie gave her a sideways look, her face sporting a frown.

“Are you okay? We could switch it off and listen to some music if you’d rather.”

Serena gave a brief smile.

“No, it’s fine, I’m simply more tired than I thought.”

She put her barely touched mug of coffee down.

“Would you mind if I went on up? Stay as long as you need or want to. If you feel sleepy then Elinor’s bed is ready to fall into, it’s the first door on your right at the top of the stairs. Just make sure all the lights are off and the front door is locked whatever you decide. Sorry.”

Bernie stood up and pulled Serena to her feet and into a hug.

“Of course I don’t mind, and I’m sorry I didn’t realise. I won’t be here for long and I promise to leave the house secure, so don’t worry.”

She pulled back slightly, so that she could look at Serena’s beautiful face.

“I had a wonderful time tonight. I love spending time with you…away from work.”

Serena’s face softened.

“Me too,” she said quietly.

For a brief moment they gazed into each other’s eyes and then Serena moved forwards to kiss Bernie goodnight. It was only intended to be a soft brushing of their lips, but almost the instant that Serena’s mouth touched hers, Bernie tightened the grip around her waist and shoulders, and they both fell headlong into a kiss that was so laden with passion and longing that they had to break apart suddenly to gasp for breath. Feeling shaky Serena murmured ‘good night’ and turned quickly to run up the stairs and into her bedroom, slamming the door behind her. She sank down onto her bed, her head in her hands.

‘_This is getting stupid,’ _she thought. ‘_I’m sure she wants me as much as I want her, but that barrier she’s put up feels impenetrable. And I’m so terrified of losing her I don’t know what to do.’_

Sighing she got ready for bed, and as she slid under the covers she heard the front door close and she sighed again.

‘_And there she goes,’ _she thought sadly. ‘_Whatever she says, she’s still running.’_

Serena tossed and turned for nearly an hour but her brain wouldn’t stop thinking of the kiss and how her body had reacted to it. Every time she twisted from side to side her breasts dragged against her nightgown sending tingles down her body, and when she moved her legs she could feel the throb of desire deep in her sex. Eventually she pushed herself up on her arm and recklessly reached for her phone.

‘_Bloody woman, she needs to know what this..what she… is doing to me.’_

Bernie’s number was always at the top of her contacts and she stabbed at it waiting for it to connect, fully expecting it to go straight to voicemail, so that when Bernie answered with a concerned ‘Serena?’ she was struck dumb.

Bernie’s voice became louder and more anxious when she didn't reply.

“Serena? Are you there…are you okay?”

Hearing Bernie’s words shouted in her ear shocked Serena back into the moment and all her anger and frustration returned.

“No, of course I’m not bloody okay,” she snapped. “Do you think I’d be ringing you in the middle of the night if I was _okay_?”

“What’s wrong? What can I do? Is there anything you need?”

“**You**!” groaned Serena in frustration. “I. Just. Need. YOU! I’m sick of taking things slowly, I want to be able to touch you and show you how I feel without being scared you’ll back off even more. Half of Holby know we’re dating and half of _them_ couldn’t care less. The other half probably think that we’ve been ‘at it’ for weeks.”

She paused to catch her breath, and Bernie tried to say something.

“Serena, I’m…..”

“You dare say sorry and I’ll throw something at you the next time I see you!”

Then suddenly all the adrenaline left her her system and she visibly wilted and her voice softened.

“I’m lying here, and my body is screaming to be touched by you. You have no idea how turned on I am right now, all from that one goodnight kiss. This…this holding back is killing me Bernie, I want to ‘be’ with you again, and it frightens me that you don’t seem to feel the same way.”

Serena lay back on her pillow, her eyes squeezed shut against unshod tears and she loosed her grip on the phone as her hands grasped at the duvet. She couldn’t stop a small sob escaping.

“Oh Serena.” Bernie exhaled loudly. “Of course I feel the same…I’m obviously much better than I thought at hiding it.”

Serena’s hands started scrabbling by her pillow, feeling for her phone again.

“You what? So…you do still want me..like that?”

“Never, ever stopped.”

Bernie’s voice sounded deeper, stronger..more certain, and Serena suddenly froze. How could she still hear Bernie if she wasn’t holding her phone!

Opening her eyes she took in the sight of her best friend standing in the doorway, a mere 3ft from her.

“What?...How?” Serena spluttered. “I heard the front door close, I know I did.”

Bernie took a small step towards her.

“I slipped out to the car to grab the overnight bag I always keep in the boot,” indicating with a hand the oversized t-shirt and pyjama bottoms she was wearing. “That kiss affected me more than I wanted to admit as well, and I decided that in the morning I needed to be honest with you. See if you were on the same page.”

She smiled shyly as she moved to sit down on the bed.

“But I think you’ve covered that already, haven’t you?”

Serena pushed herself up and flung her arms around Bernie’s neck, tears finally spilling down her face. Bernie leaned away from her so that she could wipe her thumb over her damp cheeks, grinning as she did. Serena’s eyes flashed.

“Get in,” she ordered huskily as she threw back the cover. Bernie hesitated for a second, making Serena repeat her request.

“_Please_ get in. I don’t care if we go to sleep or lie awake talking or…” she swallowed nervously, “all I know is I want to feel you next to me…right now.”

Bernie nodded and moved around the bed to clamber in behind Serena, sliding her hands around her waist, drawing their bodies close together. Serena could feel Bernie’s breasts pressing against her back and she shivered with anticipation as Bernie pressed her mouth to the nape of her neck. She started to turn towards her but Bernie stopped her, whispering quietly into her ear.

“I’m here now, just relax…let me take care of you.”

She slowly moved her hand down Serena’s thigh until she could grasp the hem of her silky nightdress, not hurrying, wanting to give her plenty of time to think about it. When no word of protest was uttered and no hand covered hers to halt any movement, Bernie began to slide the material upwards, smoothing it over her hips until most of it was settled around Serena’s waist. She could hear and feel Serena’s breathing quicken as her hand carried on over soft skin until she was gently stroking the underneath of her right breast. Serena hummed and from the back of her throat came a soft deep moan.

“Is this okay?” Bernie murmured, pausing the gentle kisses she had been peppering along her shoulder to speak. “This _is _what you want, isn’t it?”

Serena’s answer was a small nod of the head, and another breathy sigh escaped as Bernie pushed her thumb higher until it was covering her nipple before dragging it back down again. Serena made another attempt to turn around, but Bernie held her in place.

“Please, Bernie don’t tease….it won’t take much.” Serena could hear the begging tone in her voice and she meant every word. She felt as if all the nerve endings in her body were linked directly to the focal centre between her legs. Bernie started to play with her breast a little more, fondling and squeezing the yielding flesh, pinching and rolling its stiff peak making Serena want to squirm if only she wasn’t too scared that too much movement would signal an early conclusion. And whilst one part of her was screaming for release, her mind was enjoying every moment far too much to want it to end. Then she felt Bernie’s hand move away from her breast to slide inexorably back down over her stomach and Serena pushed her head backwards towards Bernie, exposing her neck, and unable to resist, Bernie began to lick and suck and nip from her earlobe right to the base of her neck. As Bernie’s hand reached the wiry curls at the apex of Serena’s thighs she tugged at a few and Serena stiffened and made soft mewling noises. Bernie waited for her to relax again, her senses reeling with the smell of Serena’s arousal that was surrounding them. She blew gentle puffs of air as her mouth teased tantalisingly around her shoulders and neck which drove Serena wild. She whispered into her ear.

“Since the day I left for Kiev I have been dreaming of touching you again, the longing was so bad I felt I was going crazy. I knew that if I found my way back to you, I wanted to take you like this, from behind, so you couldn’t see my face, not knowing what to expect, or where I would caress you next.”

Serena’s moan filled the air and she tried to grab Bernie’s hand to push it lower but Bernie carefully batted it away.

“I know…I promise it won’t be long now.”

The blood was pounding in Serena’s ears and she jumped as one of Bernie’s legs pushed between her own and she felt a pinch on her inner thigh as Bernie swiftly pulled Serena’s right leg backwards over her own. She gasped as Bernie’s hand cupped over her mons and felt her whole body flush with desire as strong fingers glided easily through her labia to find her very wet core.

Feeling shy at the way her body was reacting to her building orgasm was a new experience for Serena, even after the night at the hotel. This felt more real, more intense…more intimate, happening as it was in _her _home, _her _bed. Bernie wasn’t the first lover she had invited there, but she couldn’t ever remember feeling so cared for, so worshipped. Bernie was breathing heavily against her neck, overwhelmed to find that Serena was so aroused by what she was doing to her. She continued to mumble her thoughts out loud.

“Did you know, at work, that sometimes I find it hard to look at you, fearing that you will see in my face what I have been imagining I would do to you.”

As Bernie’s fingers began to stroke up and around Serena’s clit passing either side of it before pushing back down into the silky depths, Serena couldn’t stop her hips bucking as she strove to keep herself in close contact with them. She was panting now and Bernie moved her head forwards to kiss along her jaw to where she had that adorable cleft in her chin, then pulled at her lower lip with her teeth. Serena reached behind her to grab a fistful of t-shirt as she felt herself teeter on the brink of her orgasm and could hear herself making small whining sounds. Bernie applied the pressure she knew was needed and with a strangled cry Serena’s whole body stiffened as she climaxed, her thighs briefly trapping Bernie’s hand between them. When they relaxed Bernie carefully withdrew her fingers which elicited another small whimper from Serena, this time for loss . Bernie’s other arm that had been resting underneath Serena was beginning to feel a little numb so she eased it away, causing Serena to slide onto her back.

Bernie gazed down at her in wonder, seeing her breathing slow, but still with an occasional hitch that matched the twitches going on in her abdomen. After a few more moments she leant over to kiss her and Serena’s eyes fluttered open, quickly closing again as the tip of Bernie’s tongue danced over her lips parting them. The ensuing kiss was languorous and slow and Serena felt as though she was floating. As they reluctantly broke apart, Bernie spoke first.

“Better?”

Serena couldn’t stop the laughter that bubbled up at such an unnecessary question, but she opened her eyes to look fondly at Bernie.

“Do you really have to ask?”

Serena turned fully onto her side so that she was facing Bernie and reached up to caress her face. Staring directly into her eyes she suddenly felt weak from the rush of emotions that swept over her and she pulled her close feverishly planting kisses all over her face and down her neck which went on and on until Bernie, laughing, held her still.

“Come on,” she said lightly, “it’s way past our bedtime…time to rest.”

Serena nuzzled into Bernie’s shoulder.

“You will stay though?” she asked tremulously. “Here..in bed, with me?”

“There’s nowhere else I want to be,” Bernie said softly.

“Promise?”

“Promise.”


	15. Final Words

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lots of smut and a little bit more angst, but not for long.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, first of all a big thank you to everyone who has stuck with this fic. I lost my way a couple of times and it hasn't quite turned out the way I expected but I hope you feel it's reached a satisfactory conclusion.  
(Every time I think that I've said all I have to say for this pair, another idea pops into my head so this isn't likely to be the last you'll hear from me.)  
It's also been lovely to see that some of you have worked backwards from this story, and it's great to find new comments and kudos on my earlier work. It's been said by many others, but knowing people enjoy reading something you've written is the best feeling. :-)

Chapter 15 : Final Words

Bernie had been the last to fall asleep, unwilling as she had been to stop looking at the face of the woman who had come to mean so much to her, as a colleague, as a friend, and now properly, as a lover. She watched for quite while and when she saw Serena’s eyelids begin to twitch as she entered rem sleep, she found herself hoping that any dreams that she was having would include her.

True to her nature however, she was already over-thinking their relationship. Logically she knew that they should never work, their past experiences of love and life were so different. Yet something inside of Bernie had seen a connection, a strong thread to Serena that had been pulling them slowly towards each. She couldn’t believe that it was down to such a violent act of being blown up, resulting in life threatening injuries, taking the gut wrenching decision to leave her beloved army, for her to find the sort of love she only ever thought existed in Mills and Boon novels. (Not that her brain actually registered the word ‘love’, that wasn’t something she wanted to deal with right now.) She had unconsciously decided over many years that the passion and desire for another human being that she believed they promoted was not something she was ever going to experience.

It wasn’t that she hadn’t ever been happy during the time she was married to Marcus. On balance he had treated her well, they had two wonderful children and she had never doubted that he loved her. Or in fact that she loved him. But she_ had_ known, underneath it all, that his love went much deeper than hers. It was only when Alex had awakened something in her that she had long kept buried, that she recognised that gratitude and love were very different emotions.

She tried to analyse why she hadn’t pursued Alex more rigorously once it was clear to her that her marriage wasn’t going to survive.

Had she really loved her?

She had told Alex more than once that she loved her. Under cloudless starry nights, sitting in the shadows of the military base where they were training local doctors after the army had withdrawn from Helmand, or in her bunk clinging together in the throes of passion and need.

Perhaps that was it, it was a love born of an awakening that had been buried for far too long, of desperation, wanting to connect with someone in a place that had only shown her what terrible things humans could do to each other.

She looked at Serena and smiled as a warmth built up in her chest, wanting nothing more than to kiss her, wake her up to show her again and again how important she was to her life. It had started with a small physical attraction, that had swiftly become friendship, easily accepting that they were both survivors of events that could and should have been devastating, but had only made them stronger. Independent, brave and bruised they had both fought hard to be the people they now were. Bernie allowed herself a flight of fantasy, imagining their souls had met and recognised each other. With this somewhat fanciful but comforting thought she felt her eyelids grow heavy and before succumbing to sleep she took great pleasure in admitting to herself that there was nowhere else in the world she wanted to be than here, sharing a bed with Serena Campbell.

Six hours later Bernie was surprised when she awoke to find that Serena was still sleeping soundly.

‘_Perhaps my BMAM technique wore her out a little more than I thought it would,’ _she mused.

It appeared that neither of them had moved around much during the night, or else they had instinctively gravitated back towards each other as the pale light of day had entered the room, they were still so close. The desire to kiss Serena arose almost immediately, but she pushed it away so that she could slide out of the bed and go to the bathroom. When she emerged a few minutes later she decided to head downstairs to make them both some breakfast and a pot of tea, assuming she could find where Serena kept everything without making too much noise.

In contrast Serena had never been the sort of person who could just leap out of bed seconds after waking. Even when Elinor was a baby who woke at least three times during the night she would need a good few minutes to pull herself together before managing to plod wearily into her room, with eyes that were barely open. Once she had returned to work it became a reason for bringing her back into the marital bed, in the hope of maximising the amount of sleep she would get. She had wondered on many an occasion since her divorce, whether this had contributed in any way to Edward’s roving eye. Having a demanding baby, and later a toddler wedged between them was not that conducive to a fulfilling sex life. Not that she could remember often refusing his advances, except in those early weeks following the birth. Twenty seven hours in labour and needing stitches, made sex feel like a duty rather than a pleasure for quite some time. It used to annoy her, the older she got, that she still felt it necessary to excuse his behaviour by making herself the reason for his failure as a husband

This morning though, as she began to stir, she felt more relaxed about her life than she had for months. As the memories of last night flooded her senses she stretched and cracked open one eye, hoping to spy a mop of blonde hair on the pillow beside her. Seeing the bed was empty she sat up, panic coursing through her, until she realised that the space beside her still felt slightly warm, meaning that Bernie could not have been gone for long. With that reassuring thought her breathing slowed, and she began to hear faint sounds from downstairs. She looked around the room to see if Bernie’s clothes were there, and then remembered that when she had appeared at her bedroom door last night she was already changed for bed, which would mean that her ordinary clothes would most likely be downstairs. A feeling of anxiety returned as she pictured the noises she could hear meant that Bernie was getting dressed before fleeing the house.

She was out of bed in a trice only pausing to put on her satin dressing gown, yet trying to move as silently as possible onto the landing, not wanting to embarrass herself by charging down to find Bernie doing something quite normal. She paused there, her ears straining for any further noise and breathed a small sigh of relief when she heard the sound of the radio, tuned to Radio 3, drifting up the stairs. She didn’t want to wait any longer to wish Bernie good morning, so she carefully continued down the stairs and into the hallway wanting to surprise her. As she approached the kitchen the strains of classical music stopped to be replaced with something a little more modern and Serena rolled her eyes. It was one of the things about Bernie that bewildered Serena, that a woman in her early 50’s could still be quite so interested in the current music scene. Serena had given up on popular music when she qualified as a doctor, apart from a brief interlude when Elinor was a teenager, but Bernie always seemed ready to listen to anything as long as it had a good solid beat.

When she arrived at the kitchen door and peered around it, the sight that met her eyes made her gasp, and she took a couple of swift steps back in case Bernie had heard her.

Standing at the counter with her back to Serena, Bernie was swaying her body in time to the music. She was still wearing the oversized t-shirt from last night, but the pyjama bottoms were gone and Serena was transfixed by the sight of those slender long legs moving sexily from side to side. As the music increased in tempo, Bernie’s hips began to swing in wider circles and Serena’s eyes felt as if they were on stalks as she considered the fact that Bernie could be naked from the waist down. Almost as if she could read Serena’s mind, Bernie brought her hands up above her head as she allowed her whole body to be overtaken by the rhythm, which made the shirt ride up to reveal her very cute backside encased in a smooth fitting pair of boy shorts. The small moan of appreciation that Serena couldn’t stifle made Bernie whip her head round and the initial look of shock on her face gave way to a shy grin as she saw Serena standing there with her hand over her mouth.

“You were supposed to stay in bed until I wooed you with breakfast,” she said with a small pout, indicating a tray that had two mugs, a pot of tea, a full toast rack, butter and more jars of toppings that Serena even knew she owned. “In case you were hungry,” she finished, suddenly looking a little uncertain.

Serena’s eyes flashed with a hunger that had nothing at all to do with food.

“Oh I am,” she purred as she started to walk purposefully towards Bernie, “but I’m sincerely hoping that toast isn’t the only thing on the menu here.”

Pinning Bernie against the counter she curled her hand around the back of Bernie's head to pull their lips together. It was a move born of lust and their teeth clashed as Serena’s tongue darted past them to explore the warm interior of Bernie's mouth. Taken completely by surprise Bernie uttered a small squeak of astonishment, but soon responded in kind. When Serena finally broke the kiss to take a much needed breath, Bernie attempted to take back some sort of control.

“Shall we…erm..take the breakfast somewhere before..”

“Shut up.” Serena growled as one of her hands slid around Bernie’s hips to dig into the firm flesh covering her buttocks. “The thirst I have right now will not be assuaged by drinking tea.”

She kissed Bernie again, a little more gently, but there was no mistaking the passion and need behind it, and her right hand joined her left to tightly grip her, pulling their bodies together with a sharp tug. Bernie slipped her hands instinctively around Serena’s waist sliding them over the silky material, feeling the soft curves beneath. Once again, when the need to breathe pulled their lips apart, Bernie tried to suggest a change of scene.

“How about we…um.. go upstairs, or even into the lounge?”

Serena snorted impatiently.

“My god!” she exclaimed. “For a taciturn army medic you’re definitely choosing the wrong moment to find your voice!”

She looked at Bernie with eyes dark with desire.

“All I want you to concentrate on is helping me to rid you of these ridiculously tight knickers.”

Serena tugged at the waistband, trying to push them down with just one hand, as the other travelled up under Bernie’s t-shirt, to cup a soft and pliant breast. Bernie groaned loudly as she felt Serena’s fingers working their way over her breast, but still managed to assist her in what Serena felt was the very necessary removal of her underwear, only for them to get stuck around her halfway down. She could hear Serena cursing from what seemed to be quite a distance, her own mind focused on the hand that had captured her nipple and was tweaking and pulling on it with great fervour.

With an audible grunt Serena managed to get Bernie’s briefs past her knees and felt Bernie shake her legs so that they finally dropped to the floor and could be stepped out of. She felt Bernie trying to undo her dressing gown but pushed her hands away, only wanting to concentrate and explore the body in front of her. Bernie sighed as Serena released her hold on her breast, but it was followed swiftly by a deep moan as her two hands grasped roughly at Bernie’s now naked hips. Serena’s dominant hand travelled further down and came to rest at the apex of her thighs. She felt Serena drag her teeth over the skin below her ear and then heard a seductive command…

“At ease… soldier.”

The hiss on the word ‘soldier’ made Bernie’s knees tremble, but ever dutiful she parted her legs immediately. As the trembling increased Bernie reached behind herself to clutch at the counter in an effort to remain standing. She whimpered as she felt Serena’s finger glide easily through her outer labia, already wet with her arousal. Eyes screwed firmly shut her brain could think of nothing but the the sensation of Serena confidently, easily, penetrating her, with first one and then two fingers. The hesitation that Serena had exhibited the first time she had brought Bernie to a climax was nowhere to be seen (or felt) so that when suddenly all movement stopped, Bernie’s eyes flew open in alarm. She found she was gazing directly into Serena’s eyes, saw the smirk on her face as her hand resumed its motion, and she couldn’t stop herself rising onto her toes with every upward thrust. The noises that issued from deep in her throat, she was similarly incapable of holding in, the feeling of being filled coupled with the base of Serena’s thumb striking against her clit each time, was exquisite. Bernie’s eyes closed again as she felt her orgasm approaching, faster than she had anticipated or indeed wanted. Her mind was thrilling to an image she had of watching herself being fucked by Serena Campbell in her kitchen, in her leafy detached. As the pleasure built she could hear her moans becoming one word that she was quietly repeating over and over..’_yes, yes…yes,_ until it was there, flooding her mind and body with a pulsating sweetness that she didn’t want to end.

Her head fell forward to rest against Serena’s and her arms, losing their strength, dropped from the counter to clutch onto Serena’s shouldes. Bernie felt a keen sense of loss as Serena withdrew her hand and her legs continued to shake as she felt arms encircle her waist, pulling her close.

“I’ve got you,” Serena whispered. “Do you want to sit down? I’ll help.”

Still panting slightly Bernie nodded and allowed herself to be guided towards the lounge, but then pulled up short stopping them both.

“No, I…I think I should…freshen up first.”

Bernie blushed a little and Serena loved to see it, enjoying that things were still so new between them that in spite of their age and professions, intimacies such as this could still make them feel like teenagers. She cleared her throat and smiled.

“Yes..of course..sorry.”

Now it was her turn to feel a little awkward.

“Look, why don’t you go back upstairs, and I’ll make some fresh tea and find something to eat as well. Apart from cold toast, is there anything you fancy?”

Pressing her lips to Serena’s cheek Bernie murmured “Just you,” before she headed for the bathroom on distinctly wobbly legs. Serena gazed hungrily after her, not quite believing what had just happened, and then mentally shook herself as she headed back into the kitchen. As she waited for the kettle to boil again she ditched the toast, and opened the fridge to get milk and a few strawberries that she had. Giving them a quick rinse she tipped them into a bowl and put them onto the tray with a small jug of milk and a pot of crème fraîche. She poured the boiling water into two mugs containing tea bags, and giving them a couple of minutes to brew, she dashed into the laundry room to strip off her nightgown and pull on a clean pair of knickers, before wrapping her robe back around herself. When she arrived upstairs and opened the door to her room she caught her breath as she saw Bernie sitting in bed waiting for her with a smile on her face. She placed the tray on the bedside table and then slid in next to Bernie, passing her a mug as she did. She settled the tray in the gap between them and offered her apology for not bringing the toast.

“Hope this is an alright substitute, I only had one slice of bread left and what you had prepared was a little _too_ cold. Even for me.”

Bernie grinned and winked at Serena.

“Believe me…I’m very grateful you made that sacrifice.”

They both giggled like schoolgirls and Bernie reached for Serena’s hand and intertwined their fingers as they sat in silence, drinking their tea. When there were just two strawberries left Bernie picked one up and dipped it into the cream and then offered it to Serena. Rather than take it out of Bernie’s hand, Serena merely opened her mouth in readiness, and mesmerised, Bernie leaned a little closer to place it between her lips. Serena bit down on it and noticed how Bernie’s eyes widened as strawberry juice dribbled from the corner of her mouth, forcing her to chase it with her tongue. Before she had barely finished swallowing Bernie had the last strawberry in her fingers, and she pushed it firmly against Serena’s lips. Taking a large bite, this time Serena let the red juice trickle down towards the dimple in her chin, and was rewarded by Bernie licking it herself, never taking her eyes from Serena. The next few seconds seemed to pass in slow motion as Bernie moved the tray off the bed to the floor..and then time speeded up again as Bernie’s mouth pressed against hers, her tongue seeking entrance, and Serena sighed softly as she parted her lips. Their tongues danced around one another, playing their own game of seduction and Serena could feel pulses of desire coursing down her body to her sex. They slowly sank back onto the pillow, still kissing. Whenever they broke apart their lips were never more than a millimetre distant, grazing softly against each other, as they inhaled each other’s breaths. Serena felt as though she was sinking into the mattress as well as being hyper aware of every point where her body was touching Bernie’s. It seemed as if she was being possessed by Bernie, her fingertips tingled when she trailed them through her soft blonde locks, her toes curling with the excitement she felt building in her belly. When Bernie pushed up onto her forearms to look at her she felt such a sense of loss she followed her, to stay as close as she could. Bernie gently pressed her shoulder back down and then she tugged gently on the belt that was holding her robe together.

“May I?” she asked, her voice husky with desire.

Serena nodded, stroking her own hand up and down Bernie’s arm, making the hairs stand on end. She felt the knot around her waist loosen and Bernie finally turned her eyes downwards as she parted the dressing gown and heard the hitch in her breathing as she took in the the sight of Serena’s nearly naked body beneath it.

“You little minx,” Bernie hissed with delight, “anyone would think you had planned this.”

Serena gave her head a small shake as she took a deep trembling breath.

“Mmm, hoping.”

The silky material slid back easily and she felt a rush of desire hearing Bernie give a small murmur of approval as she watched Serena’s nipples harden as cooler air rushed over them, and when their eyes met again Bernie leant back down to kiss her fervently.

Bernie could feel Serena’s fingers creep underneath her top, the tips digging into her skin either side of her spine, and she sat up swiftly to pull it over her head, so that when she resumed kissing, their naked breasts moved against each other, teasing and titillating. Bernie licked and kissed her way along Serena’s jaw and down her neck until she reached her pulse point. She stayed there for a while, lips resting as her tongue pressed flat to feel the blood rushing through her veins, registering the rhythm of her heart. When Bernie finally moved again she kissed her way down Serena's sternum and then halted again in the valley between her glorious breasts. Bernie acknowledged that these were where her eyes and mind rested when she thought about her instinctive attraction to Serena. They typified how she thought of her, bountiful and generous, warm, full and oh, so welcoming. Bernie nuzzled her nose from one to the other and Serena’s hands fell from Bernie’s back, suddenly lacking the strength to do anything than rest limply at her sides as she waited to find out where her lips would travel to next. There was not long to wait as Bernie’s mouth tracked its way across one breast to capture the nipple entirely within it, her tongue flicking back and forth across its very tip. Electricity surged through Serena’s body and she arched upwards with a sharp intake of breath sounding as if she had been stung, as the air was sucked through her clenched teeth. She could feel the smile spread over Bernie’s face as she gently rolled the nipple with her tongue before abandoning it to turn her attention to the other breast. This time Serena managed to stay flat, although Bernie was conscious of seeing her hands tightly grip the sheet below as if she were clinging to a cliff edge.

Serena felt as if all the nerve endings in her body were on fire, all sending needy messages to the centre located between her legs. The way Bernie was making love to her was like nothing she could ever remember, so deliberate and slow as if she were savouring every inch of her. When she moved away from her breasts Serena sighed loudly and opening her eyes she saw Bernie’s delighted grin as she began to wriggle down the bed kissing as she went. When she swirled her tongue into Serena’s navel there was another hiss and Bernie sat back on her haunches watching her face closely. She hooked her fingers into the waistband of Serena’s knickers and was torn between the need to yank them off swiftly so there would be no barrier to her descent down her body, and the desire to tease her for as long as she could until she would be begging Bernie for release. Her indecision proved fortuitous as she witnessed a fleeting look of alarm cross Serena’s face, and in under a second she moved back up the bed to rest her head next to Serena. Trying to keep her voice neutral she spoke gently.

“What’s wrong? Is this too fast? Or do you want me to stop?”

Serena squirmed and looked a little embarrassed.

“No. I..I don’t want you to stop…it’s just that..”

Bernie waited patiently, her fingers stroking Serena’s hair.

Serena sighed.

“Perhaps I got it wrong, but… where you were heading, I thought you were going to..you know.. with your mouth.”

Her hand waved in the direction of her nether regions.

Bernie chose her next words carefully.

“Well, you’re right, that _was _my intention….but it doesn’t have to be. If it’s something you don’t enjoy or are not comfortable with right now.”

She turned Serena’s head gently with her hand so that she could look at her properly.

“Believe me, I would never want to do anything that you didn’t want as well. Is it something you don’t like, or has no one ever… gone down on you?”

Serena blinked rapidly.

“Edward did…before I had Ellie.” She blushed slightly. “He was actually quite good…but he never seemed keen on the idea afterwards and..and that made me think that..I didn’t look..or taste right after giving birth.” She went a deeper shade of red, and Bernie felt (not for the first time) incredibly angry towards Edward.

“So I actively discouraged it with any others, didn’t want to see them look at me the way Edward had.” She gave a small sob. “I’m sorry.”

Bernie gathered her into her arms and held her close, stroking her gently.

“Oh my darling,” she whispered, “there’s nothing to be sorry about. And if you say no then it’s fine. But please believe me when I tell you that your aroused state, the smell of you, is one of the things that drives me crazy. And I seem to remember that not long ago, in a small hotel, you expressed a desire to see _me_ in all my glory. So… if nothing else, will you allow me to at least look?”

Serena nodded shyly, feeling both foolish at exposing her insecurities and immensely grateful to Bernie for being considerate.

Bernie kissed her slowly as her hand moved down Serena’s body and came to rest between her legs. She pressed the already damp fabric there with her finger and was rewarded with a guttural moan as she slipped to the side and straight into the wetness behind it. She removed it quickly and breaking the kiss she brought her hand up to show Serena.

“Look at me,” she urged and when Serena did, she very deliberately licked the tip of her finger with her tongue and a blissful look spread over her face.

“Finer than the finest wine,” she murmured and Serena felt her clit throb as a surge of relief washed over her. Seeing the change in Serena’s body language, her legs seeming to relax, Bernie hurriedly resumed the grip on her knickers and started to peel them off, Serena even helping by lifting her hips from the mattress. Bernie moved to the bottom of the bed to slide them off her feet and discarded them on the floor. She looked up at Serena and was pleased to see a more confident smile on her face, so she raised an eyebrow questioningly and was rewarded with a small nod.

Heart soaring, Bernie eased Serena’s legs apart and trailed kisses up from her ankle to her knees. She paused to again give Serena the chance to stop her, but Serena still seemed to be comfortable. She pushed one of her knees up, angling it so her foot was flat on the bed, and as she continued to nibble up her other thigh she heard a small sigh as she neared the top. She positioned herself as close as she could, and gently pulled Serena's labia apart to expose the glistening centre. Inhaling, Bernie gave a soft sigh of appreciation, and Serena’s fingers that had been resting on her own thighs dug deep into the flesh as she felt the warmth of Bernie’s breath against her centre.

She knew that Bernie was waiting, giving her time to adjust, but the desire to be touched completely overrode her irrational fears, and she moved her hands across to cup Bernie’s head, urging her forward. Eyes screwed tight she missed the delighted glance that Bernie gave her, but Serena couldn’t miss the shock of feeling her lover's tongue gently brush over her clit. The breathy ‘ohh’ made Bernie want to laugh out loud, and anticipating that her next touch might evoke a more physical reaction, she brought her hands up ready to press Serena’s hips to the bed. Serena’s hands were now back by her sides gripping the sheet tightly and as Bernie glided her tongue from bottom to top to suck the swollen nub into her mouth Serena had the sensation she was falling. She knew she was mumbling incoherently and one part of her brain tried to recall if she had ever blacked out before, due to an overload of pleasure.

Bernie used her one hands to assist Serena’s impending orgasm and still lapping at her clit she watched intently as two of her fingers disappeared into the well lubricated passage. Sensing that this was not the time for slow teasing strokes she began to thrust in and out rapidly, replacing her mouth with her thumb, so that she could watch Serena’s face as she climaxed.

Serena rushed towards the precipice with no hesitation, forgetting in the moment how to breathe, and Bernie saw her upper body arch from the bed, her eyes flickering open for a moment to meet her own, before they rolled back in her head and she sank limply back onto the mattress.

As Bernie felt the contractions start to slow she gently eased her fingers out and moved the short distance up the bed to lie next to Serena, caressing her face.

“It’s okay,” Serena mumbled, “I’m still here….just.”

Bernie gave a small chuckle.

“I’m very glad to hear it….if that was anywhere near as intense for you as it was for me, I’m amazed you can even talk.”

There followed a couple of minutes of silence as Serena attempted to restore some sort of rhythm to her breathing, which was proving harder than she expected, especially as Bernie was alternately kissing and nibbling at her ear. As her strength returned she moved onto her side to face Bernie, wanting to tell her how spectacular that had been, how wonderful she was, how much she loved her, but only got as far as opening her mouth before Bernie covered it with her own, and she lost all power of rational thought.

“Thank you,” Bernie whispered against her lips, and Serena mumbled something about ‘the pleasure being all mine’ before she felt a relaxed weariness overcome her. Bernie watched her closely as she fell asleep, knowing without a single doubt in her mind that she loved her in a way she had never loved before, and offered up a silent prayer to any deity that may be listening, not to let her mess this up.

><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><

And it seemed for a while, that whom or whatever had been listening to her silent plea that morning was on her side, as days turned into weeks with no major hiccup in sight. They were seeing more and more of each other, outside of work. Although there was no inevitability that it would lead to sex, it happened regularly enough to make Bernie believe that Serena felt happy with their relationship. But there was a small, niggling concern, and it was one that she couldn’t quite fathom out. Serena was rarely anything than professional at work. She never denied that they were a couple, but if you hadn’t known either of them prior to Bernie’s secondment in Kiev, it would be hard to pick up on the subtle differences when you saw them around the hospital. Bernie accepted that with the Trauma bay due for opening later that week, they had both been rushed off their feet with those preparations, but it seemed as if the only time they got to gaze at each other these days was across an operating table. Even on the odd occasion that they both went to Albie’s after work they appeared to be little more than good friends. True, they would sit close together, and lean on each other, sometimes with their fingers entwined, and more often than not they would leave together too. But Bernie began to feel that Serena was putting a sort of barrier between them. When they were alone she was as loving and as caring as she’d ever been in her actions, but the words didn’t flow quite as freely as she would expect, and that was what worried Bernie. Serena had always been able to express herself very clearly, ask any F1 who had been on the wrong end of her sharp tongue, but when they were alone she seemed to clam up. They could have been laughing and joking over something that had happened at work, or dancing around each other in the kitchen and suddenly their eyes would meet and after a few moments silence, Serena would let her eyes drop and move away. Bernie knew she couldn’t let it go for much longer, but was feeling sick at what she thought she might hear.

The official opening of the trauma bay went without a hitch, and the investors seemed very pleased with what they saw and heard. Serena was in her element as she reported on the intense and meticulous planning that had lead them to this day and there was great pride in her voice as she handed the floor to Bernie to give a small speech as to why she was convinced that hospitals needed to be much better prepared to deal with major incidents such as terrorist attacks, and why the NHS should be looking to the Armed Forces for advice and and training. After half an hour of socialising and being congratulated for their team work, a victim of a very nasty hit and run was brought into AAU, and the visiting dignitaries were given first hand experience of how the unit worked with great success, Bernie leading and Serena supporting through a very tricky surgery. By the end of their shifts they were both exhausted, and despite being invited to a dinner in honour of the success of the day they were both adamant that all they wanted to do was go home and relax. They walked slowly towards their cars and Serena looked at Bernie, noting the small frown on her forehead and the set lips.

“I know it’s been quite a day, but I wondered if you’d want to come back to mine? I mean, we could just get a takeout and slump in front of the TV for a while, and…and I’d be really happy if you decided to stay over as well?”

Serena felt unusually nervous about asking this, she was aware that something was off kilter between them and she was hoping that Bernie wouldn’t refuse. There seemed to be a long pause before Bernie responded.

“Okay…yes, I’d like that,” she said with a small smile, but Serena could still see an anxious look in her eyes. She gave Bernie’s hand a squeeze and leaned forward to kiss her cheek.

“Great. Do you want to come in my car, or will I meet you back at the house?”

Bernie decided she would travel in her own car as she wanted to pop back to her flat first. She did have a small number of items that she now left at Serena’s, but they were mainly casual clothes for weekend wear and she needed something fresh for tomorrow for work. They decided to opt for pizzas so there would be minimal clearing up to do and Serena rang the order through before leaving the car park, so she hoped Bernie wouldn’t be too long.

Once home Serena had a quick shower and then donned her nightwear, she was too exhausted to think about changing her clothes more than once that evening. Some of the tiredness she felt she knew was the amount of tension she had about Bernie, deep down she was terrified that she was building up to telling her that it wasn’t working for her, and that they’d be better off as just friends.

‘_And I’m not sure I could be…not now… I couldn’t bear to see her with anyone else..’_

As that thought hit home, her legs buckled and she had to grab hold of a chair to stop herself sinking to the ground. Taking some deep breaths she berated herself for being so melodramatic. There had been very little to suggest that Bernie was fed-up with her, just that rather sad hurt look that would come into her eyes occasionally, a little like a puppy that had been scolded.

Just then the doorbell rang and straightening up Serena went to the door, and found Bernie standing there with two large pizza boxes in her arms. She gave Serena a grin.

“My timing as always, is impeccable,” she said dumping the boxes into Serena’s hands as she walked through the door. “I see you’re ready for an early night. Mind if I dash upstairs to get changed myself? You can pour me a whisky while you’re waiting.”

She gave Serena a small wink and headed for the bedroom. Serena was a little bemused by Bernie’s apparent change of mood from the car park, but decided it was a welcome one and went into the kitchen to place the food in a low oven to keep warm while she poured herself a glass of wine, and the whisky for Bernie.

Even though Bernie had taken a very short shower before returning to the lounge in some jogging bottoms and one of her many t-shirts, she had been so quick that in just over an hour they had eaten their fill and replenished their glasses and were curled up on the sofa with Serena flicking through the channels in search of some mindless entertainment. Bernie nuzzled into her neck, giving little kisses that made Serena squirm and breathe a little faster.

“Watching TV isn’t the only way to relax you know,” Bernie murmured in that husky voice that Serena loved so much. She turned her head slightly, and raised an eyebrow in a very flirty manner.

“Are you trying to get me into bed?” she asked teasingly.

“Only if I can come with you,” said Bernie pretending to be coy.

Serena uncoiled herself and stood up holding out her hand for Bernie to take.

“Come on then,” she said, “but you’d better not mean that you want to sleep, because if you do, I’m relegating you to the spare room.”

Bernie stood up also and pulled Serena into a long, lingering kiss. Part of her knew she was putting off the day of reckoning, but she loved Serena so much she was more than keen to delay anything that might rock the boat. Plus, she found her so incredibly sexy she never had to ask herself if this was what she wanted…it always was.

Once in the bedroom it was a matter of moments before they were both naked, and Bernie had Serena pinned to the door, her back leaning against her dressing gown that was hanging there. Their kisses were becoming heated and frantic and Serena put both of her hands onto Bernie’s backside so she could grind their hips together. It never failed to amaze her how horny she could get in a relatively short space of time once she was naked with this woman, already wishing that one of Bernie’s hands were between her legs instead of resting on the door, either side of her head. As if reading her mind Bernie pushed herself away and dislodged Serena’s hands from her backside so that she could lead her over to the bed. Bernie wanted to make love to Serena this evening, wanted to pour her heart and soul into showing her how much she cared, didn’t want to take turns to fuck each other, hoped they might reach a simultaneous climax .

She guided Serena to lie on her back and then quickly covered her body with her own. They lay there luxuriating in the feeling of their bodies moving fractionally against each other, their mouths joined, and although their kisses were tender, Serena’s lips began to tingle from the pressure in the most delicious way. She moaned as she felt Bernie’s thigh push between her own and heard an echoing sound as she raised one of her legs so that Bernie could rub against it. Raising herself onto her forearms Bernie began to move slowly back and forth, making contact with Serena’s clit on every forward push, deriving an equal feeling of pleasure as she pulled backwards. She continued to pepper Serena’s face and neck with kisses and saw the moment when the skin on her upper chest started to redden which she already knew as a clear sign that Serena was on the brink. She began to quicken her pace, groaning as she felt her own orgasm building, and gave a small shriek when Serena’s hands dug into the cheeks of her bottom, pushing downwards to bring their sex into even closer contact. They were both panting heavily, and to Bernie’s delight Serena was keeping her eyes open, locked on her own, until momentarily they flickered as she came with a whimper, and mere seconds later Bernie climaxed too. Their eyes gradually slid away from each other as Bernie’s arms gave way and she collapsed sideways, her one leg still sprawled across across Serena’s stomach, where she could feel small after shocks rippling across her abdomen. They shared a languid kiss until Serena broke it so that she could curl her head against Bernie’s sternum to listen to her beating heart.

“That was perfect,” she mumbled. “You always find new ways to surprise me, to make me feel…important to you.”

Bernie kissed the grey brown hair on the top of Serena’s head.

“That’s because you are important,” she whispered, “very important.”

She felt the smile spread over Serena’s face as it rested on her chest and she thought finally, finally she will say what I’ve been waiting for and then I can say it too, and the world will be right again.

“Good,” Serena replied softly, gritting her teeth to stop herself saying more. “Will you spoon me? Just until I’m ready to nod off?”

A flood of anguish swept over Bernie and she felt a tear fall onto her pillow.

“Sure,” she said quietly, “turn around then.”

It took about 15 minutes for Serena’s breathing to slow and grow deeper to the point where Bernie was as sure as she could be that she was asleep. She slowly lay on her back knowing that welcome state was not on the horizon for her, annoyed with herself that she had let another opportunity to talk with Serena slip through her fingers.

‘_You’re still a coward,’ _she thought desperately, ‘_still hiding.’_

It was only just past midnight when Serena roused again. She stretched a little and knew that Bernie was no longer lying beside her. She lay as still as she could listening for any sound that might tell her that she was in the house. The panicky feeling that Bernie had left her, rose again in her mind. Truthfully it had never really gone away, she had just become really good at hiding it from herself. The blood rushing through her ears was drowning out any chance she might have of hearing anything but a loud bang, so she swung herself out of bed to go and check, pausing briefly to wrap her dressing gown around her. She stood on the landing outside each of the doors in turn, pushing each one ajar to listen more closely, but there was no sign of life. Tiptoeing down the stairs she found it all in darkness, but headed towards the lounge without switching on a light, not wanting to startle Bernie if she _was_ down here. Again, no sound reached her, but there was something that gave her a small crumb of comfort. Serena could _smell_ Bernie, a mixture of her shampoo and a sweetness that she always associated with her, one that she wished she could bottle and keep in a pocket so she could use it to comfort and ground her.

Her eyes were constantly adjusting to the level of light, and as she made her way through into the dining room she thought she caught sight of a figure just outside the patio doors and then the red glow of a cigarette tip as the person turned to the side. Serena walked purposefully towards her and opened one of the doors, making Bernie spin right round in surprise.

“Caught me..” she said apologetically, as the patio flooded with light at the door being opened. Serena saw in an instant that she had dried tears streaked down her cheeks.

“Oh Bernie,” she said sadly, “what on earth is wrong? And please, don’t insult my intelligence by saying nothing.”

Bernie shrugged and threw the cigarette to the ground before nodding towards the house.

“Shall we go inside? I’m feeling a little chilly now.”

They headed back into the lounge and Serena switched on a small table lamp before sitting on the sofa next to Bernie, but not touching her. Bernie sighed and ran her fingers through her hair. She took a deep breath and tried to find a way into the conversation she’d been having with Serena, in her head, for nearly two weeks. Her fingers were clasped in her lap, constantly moving and Serena longed to take one into hers, but managed not to…wanted Bernie to be able to focus.

“I…oh…Serena, I have to ask you…are you sure, do you still want this? Us?”

Serena was startled. She hadn’t known what Bernie was thinking but she was surprised at the question and even more surprised at the fear in Bernie’s voice.

“What? I mean…yes, Yes of course I do. What on earth makes you think otherwise? Have I said something or _done_ something that make you feel I don’t want you?”

Bernie shrugged and kept her head down.

“I keep feeling that…that you are distancing yourself from me. That you’re often frightened to look at me..properly, whether we’re in a crowd or it’s just the two of us. That you’re scared I’ll see what you truly feel about me, so you hide it…because you don’t want to hurt me.”

Bernie raised her eyes then and was taken aback to see Serena face change from bewildered to smiling almost laughing at what she’d said and she stood up, feeling angry that Serena found it all so amusing. Her knee-jerk reaction sobered Serena up in an instant and she grabbed at her hand to pull her back onto the seat.

“No.. no Bernie, you’ve misunderstood.” She relaxed her hold slightly as Bernie sat. “You..you are right, I have been hiding my feelings from you…but not for the reason you’ve imagined. It’s because I feel I care _too_ much, and that you’ll see it in my face and feel overwhelmed and…. run away.”

Bernie it was Bernie’s turn to look confused.

“Why would I do that? I promised you I’d never leave again, unless you asked me to. I’m sorry that my previous idiotic behaviour would still make you think that I would. And even if you did ask me to go, I wouldn’t just tuck my tail between my legs and walk off into the sunset. I’d fight tooth and nail to keep you close…surely you know I love you.”

Serena gave a very shaky laugh and closed her eyes as she leant against the back of the sofa, trying to calm herself, her heart beating nineteen to the dozen.

“Strangely enough, no…I didn’t know. I mean I hoped but…I kept thinking what if you don’t feel that way… and it’s just me? If I told you how I really felt would it be too soon? I wouldn’t have known how to cope …so every time I thought I might blurt it out I would look away, or change the subject or..or find a way to be somewhere else.”

She opened one eye to glance sideways at Bernie and saw that she was on the verge of tears. She took Bernie’s hand and stroked it gently.

“I thought that if I never said the L word it wouldn’t matter that much, not as long you stayed with me. I hoped that you would be able to tell by other things I said, like when I call you ‘my darling’, and by how many times I put out my hand to touch you, keep you close.”

Bernie gave a bit of a sniffle and jerked her head to the side to move her hair out of her eyes.

“You..erm, you’re a touchy feely sort of person with lots of people, and…and I’ve heard you say ‘darling’ to Ric.”

They were both beginning to realise how idiotic it all sounded

Serena sat up and turned to face Bernie.

“I’m really, really sorry that I didn’t have the courage to say it, that I didn’t think you needed or wanted to hear it.”

Bernie managed a little smile.

“And I’m sorry that the way I’ve behaved in the past made you feel that way.”

Serena lifted Bernie’s hand and kissed the palm before pressing it to her chest.

“Can you feel that?” she asked Bernie, almost able to see their hands moving up and down with the force that her heart was beating. Bernie nodded.

“It belongs to you Bernie, and it always will. Whether you want me or not.”

They were both half crying, half laughing, and in a repeat of earlier that evening, Serena stood up first and pulled Bernie to her feet. They walked up the stairs with their arms around each other’s waists and once in the bedroom Serena slipped off her robe to climb naked into bed. Bernie quickly threw off the clothes she had pulled on and slid in next to her. Wrapping their arms around each other they kissed gently and repeatedly, stopping occasionally to check the other was okay, exchanging small smiles with the occasional hitch in their breathing. Bernie ducked her head slightly and mumbled something making Serena arch her right eyebrow.

“Pardon, Ms Wolfe?” she said, “you’re going to need to be a lot clearer in your diction if you want me understand what you’re saying.”

Bernie eyes narrowed slightly as she realised that Serena was having a playful dig.

“I said, _Ms Campbell,_ that for all the flowery words down in the lounge, you still haven’t technically said _it_.”

This time her diction was perfect and she raised _both_ of her eyebrows.

For a split second they stared at each other before they both started to giggle, resting their foreheads against each other.

“Well in that case, let me make it quite clear that I, Serena Wendy Campbell, do totally and utterly love you, Berenice Griselda Wolfe.”

Bernie gave her a mischievous smile.

“I can live with that,” she said cheekily, and then yelped as Serena moved swiftly to pinch her arm.

“As long as you’re sure,” Serena said firmly. “Because I for one do not want there to be _any _misunderstanding.”

Bernie urged Serena to turn around so that she could spoon her again.

“So..we’re okay?” she whispered into her ear. “You do trust me now?”

Serena closed her eyes and wrapped her arm around Bernie’s that was resting on her waist.

“Always.”


End file.
